Challenge and Adventure

Jeff and I went to Orlando last week for a church planting conference which was great and taught us a lot about church planting. But it was on our trip back that we learned much about ourselves and each other.

When we left the conference, Jeff decided to wait to get gas, not realizing that Florida toll roads don’t have easy access gas stations. So Jeff was in a panic because he was sure we were going to run out of gas. But we had our GPS which tells us where the next gas station is. The closest one was over 15 minutes away. But I’m not really that worried. I’m mildly annoyed that Jeff didn’t get gas already, but, hey, I’m willing to hike a few miles…it’ll make for a great story later. The GPS had us turn down some back road that Jeff thought looked like a scene out of “Deliverance.” Jeff, meanwhile is clutching his heart and gasping for air. After driving and driving, we finally get to the gas station that our GPS has taken us to, and the gas station is closed for remodeling. I just started laughing hysterically because it was so absurd. So we have to turn around and go back the other way, and Jeff is now really sure we’re not going to make it. We’re another 5 minutes away since we have to backtrack. And since the gas light has been on since we left, we are now well below empty. Jeff is still in a panic, but beginning to laugh a little at the absurdity of it all, and I’m telling him it’s no big deal if we have to walk to get gas. But we’re on a main road now, and I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be any serial killers after us (too many crime shows for me). We don’t end up running out of gas…anti-climatic, I know.

So we drive 13 more hours. It’s midnight, and we both haven’t slept all day. We hit TN, and we hit snow and ice. Since TN seemingly has only one snow plow, the roads had not been cleared off all that well. We’re driving on the interstate 2 days after the snow hit, and in some spots only one lane on the interstate had been cleared off and even that was questionable. Even though Jeff and I lived in Wisconsin for a couple of years, and we learned how to drive in snow/ice I was freaking out a little (ok, I was clutching the passenger door). Jeff didn’t seem to notice because he was busy pointing out the snow-covered landscape to me, and then he proceeded to point out all the cars and trucks that had slid off the side of the road. I’m not really noticing what’s around me so much (except for the jack-knifed semi-truck in the ditch) because I have my eyes glued to the road looking for patches of black ice and getting irritated that Jeff does not have his eyes glued to the road like I do. Meanwhile, there were some idiots out there who don’t have a clue how to drive on these kind of roads, and they were flying past us. Jeff told me to stop trying to tell everyone else how to drive, including a police officer who also flew past us. After an hour of this, we made it safely home…once again anti-climatic.

So what’s the deal? Here’s a man who cannot stand to ride roller coasters (relatively safe) but is totally calm driving on ice with life-threatening conditions with crazy people driving around us and is busy pointing out the scenery to me. And I’m willing to walk on back roads, where unseen dangers lurk, to get gas but get a little crazy over ice-covered roads (although I probably would have been fine if we’d just run off the road…)

After almost 18 years of marriage, we learned that I like adventure and Jeff likes challenge. And these are two very different things. A speaker at the conference said that during her and her husband’s church planting process (ie. roller coaster ride), while one of them was busy puking their guts over the side of the roller coaster the other one had their hands in the air loving life. So my husband doesn’t like adventure, and I hate challenges…I figure we’re pretty well-matched because life is made up of both…

An Honest Prayer

“Dear Father, my sin is ever before me. I have desired control and that has only produced fear. I have desired power over others and that has ony served to alienate them from me. I have desired my own comfort and that has only brought forth anger when my comfort was not achieved. I have sought the approval of others and have meticulously kept them from seeing my true self for fear of rejection. Idolatry plagues my heart! I am consumed with thoughts of self-aggrandizement(making others believe I’m better than I am), self-promotion and self-service.

In my deepest parts, I doubt that you are God and I want to rule myself. I cry out to you, Father. Only you can deliver me. Show me the cross. For without Jesus’ glorious robe of righteousness to cover my nakedness, I’ll die. Show me the love of my beautiful Savior who gave up his glory and even his life that I might be delivered from idolatry. May the work of Jesus ever stir me towards radical, joyful obedience. May he be my reason for living and my eternal source of joy, hope, faith and love. Amen.”

from A Prayer Life That Nourishes Your Relationship to God by Tim Keller

Jeff’s Christmas Letter 2009

Christmas 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! Usually Kim writes our Christmas letter, but we thought I could give it a try this year. During our time in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, our hearts were being led from a life in school world to a life in church world. Over a few years, we were becoming more and more eager to plant a new church. And then, oddly enough, in the summer of 2007, the Lord very obviously led us to Nashville to help with a school.

During the two years at Pioneer Christian, we learned a lot, met some wonderful people, and developed a heart for the families in the area. We went through a very difficult situation with a loving and gracious Father and a bunch of terrific people. Although the school closed in May 2009, our time at Pioneer was in many ways a beautiful time in our life as a family. And now for the last few months, we have been laying the groundwork for planting a new church on our side of Nashville. We’re looking forward to seeing what the Father has in store for North Hills Church. Long term, our desire is to encourage and support a growing network of new churches in our area. We’re grateful that the Father has invited us on this adventure, and it’s been encouraging to watch Him provide for us in every way.

We’re home schooling this year, and it’s definitely improved our unity and our conflict management skills. I’m incredibly thankful that I have been able to spend so much time around my family. Jesse is a compassionate, magnetic leader, a champion for the outcast and the forgotten. Jonah is a creative designer who believes firmly that what the world needs is more and better parties. Jake is an artistic lover of nature with tremendous insight into the world around him. Julia is a beautiful package of pure energy. She has the gift of gumption. Jeremiah is all brightness and joy, and he conquers everything around him with smiles and hugs.

Kim amazes me. Everything about her is touched with the grace of authenticity. Her awareness of her Abba’s love can be almost overpowering at times. As for me, I’m still becoming Jeff, becoming more and more grateful, becoming more open and aware.

If you’d like to keep in touch, Kim and I are both on Facebook. Kim writes a blog at
http://lovegracepeace.wordpress.com. I’ll be starting a North Hills Church blog soon. Our emails are darnell.jeff@gmail.com and lovegracepeace@gmail.com.

May you see your self and those around you through the eyes of your Father.

Grace and Peace,
Jeff

Need or Greed?

Last weekend, I was in the Sam’s/Walmart parking lot when I was flagged down by a woman walking around the parking lot. I had not parked yet, and I was in the middle of one of the rows when she motioned for me to roll down my window so that she could talk to me. I only rolled it down a few inches because I am extremely wary of people approaching me in parking lots…I’ve probably seen too many crimes shows on TV which has definitely contributed to my scaredy-cat mentality.

This woman told me she needed money to go to the grocery store Kroger, which is several minutes away. I told her that I would go with her into Sam’s and buy her some groceries. She told me it was too expensive and repeated her request for money. I again told her I would buy her some food from Sam’s. Again, she told me she wanted to go to Kroger, and so I told her we could go next door to Walmart and get her some food. She once again refused my offer, telling me she wanted money to get food at Kroger. I looked into her eyes and said to her, “I’m not giving you any money.” She waved me off and walked away.

I’ve been conned before. Several years ago, I was in a park with my kids, and I was approached by a man who said his two ton white truck had run out of gas. I gave him $6, which was all I had. He said it wasn’t enough money to put gas in his truck. I guess he thought I was going to be able to give him more money. I later found out I was conned because the same man used the same story on a friend of mine a few weeks later. I think my friend gave him money and lemonade. I don’t really regret giving this man money, but I’m sure it didn’t help him any…not really. My friend’s lemonade was probably more helpful than any amount of money either of us could give him.

On many occasions, Jeff’s dad has offered odd jobs to men standing on the side of the road holding their signs, “Will work for food.” Sadly, not ONE time did one of these men take him up on his offer to come cut wood for food. I know that there are many needy people out there…people who truly need food and shelter and clothing, but they may not be the ones that you see on the side of the road waving signs and collecting money.

My brother-in-law works at the Nashville Rescue Mission, and the mission never gives out money for obvious reasons. But they do offer men food and a bed and a chance to get help and also a chance to hear about the love of Christ. Some walk away because they don’t want what the mission is offering. Sadly, they often don’t realize that their need is greater than food or money.

Last Saturday in the parking lot, I was really thinking about what would be the best way to help that woman. Honestly, it would have been easier to ignore her completely, pretend she didn’t exist and go on about my day. Or, I could have handed her $10, and it would have made me feel pretty good about myself, but I still wouldn’t have had to really engage with her. I have walked through Walmart before with a man and bought that man a little bit of food. That was extremely uncomfortable and weird and more than a little scary and cost me something. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to doing it again. But it’s not really about me…

So, need or greed? It doesn’t really matter. For me, that’s what Matthew 10 means when it says “This is a large work I’ve called you into, but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty.”

Hope Found

It’s been a tough three years. Before we moved to Nashville, Jeff and I walked through a really rough time in our marriage. And then when we moved to Nashville, we walked into a school (Pioneer…see Does Jesus Care About a School? parts 1 and 2) that was in the process of a slow death and was so full of legalism that we felt like we’d been shot back in time about 10 years. Then, after all the good but difficult changes that Jeff made in the first year at Pioneer, we walked into the second year there, and because of the recession we didn’t have enough students. So every month, we didn’t know how the teachers and the bills were going to be paid. We tried many different ways to keep the school open and spent hours praying for a miracle. I found myself often putting my hope in some mystery person who was going to walk in and save the day and the school, and it didn’t happen. But in the middle of it all, Abba kept telling me that He is a God of hope, no matter what happened. And even though the school ended up closing, I began to really believe that He truly is my Hope no matter what happens with schools and situations and people.

But this summer I struggled with a lot of different things…I grieved about Pioneer closing. And I worried about what we would do about school for our children (we are currently home schooling) and then I worried about how we were going to be able to survive financially.

At one point, I became angry and fearful because I was hoping my life would be more secure…more comfortable…enough money to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to have to trust every day that He would provide. I didn’t want to have to even think about it. I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to and not really depend on Abba moment by moment.

I remember hearing the story about George Mueller, who ran an orphanage, and how they would sit down to breakfast, and there would be nothing to eat, and they would pray and thank God for the food that He was going to provide, and then a milk truck would break down on the street in front of their door. This kind of crazy stuff happened a lot for them. They rarely seemed to have what they needed before they needed it. They always got enough right when the need arose. And that made me frustrated that we might have to live that way. I was fearful that my family might not have enough.

But in the middle of all this fear, Abba brought the verse to mind in I Timothy that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Fear always seems to push the other three out…the power, the love and the sound mind…they just seem to vanish because fear paralyzes us. No wonder “Do Not Fear” is the most often repeated command in the Bible.

I really wrestled with this. At one point, I’m not even really sure when, I threw up my hands and finally accepted whatever it was He had for me and my family. There are still fearful days, but I’m learning to hold my hands palms up and receive what comes from Him. I am learning to trust…not in my ability to be frugal, not in a job, not in my husband, not in a school, not in the church…just Him.

So here’s our modern day George Mueller story…a few months ago, one of the Nashville transit buses bumped into the back of our van while Jeff was sitting at a red light. Thankfully, Jeff wasn’t hurt at all. It messed up our bumper a little more than it already was (it already had a dent in it) but did very minimal damage. So, right when our need arose, we got a check in the mail with Jeff’s name on it. The Nashville transit bus just turned out to be one of our crazy milk trucks.

So, Jeff and I are in the middle of doing a church plant in North Nashville. Jeff has a pastor’s heart, but Jeff and I are not church planters…This is one of those weird God-things. The desire to unearth this community called North Hills Church is totally from Him. And then I ran across this a few weeks ago…

Go the lost and confused people right here in the neighborhood.
Tell them that the kingdom is here…Don’t think you have to put
on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don’t need a
lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to
keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light. (Matthew 10)

Some days these verses feel totally overwhelming and insane. But Isaiah 43 says, “when you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end-”

Everything always comes back to Him…Jesus was sent so that we could have hope…not in money, not in jobs, not in situations, not in people, not in schools, not in churches…He came so that He could BE our Hope.

But I Know Someone Who Is

I recently watched the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I’m not a chick flick kind of girl, but I liked this movie. I could relate to the main character’s overwhelming sense of neediness. She was constantly being rejected by guys, and she was clueless as to why she couldn’t snag one.

I used to be boy crazy. I don’t know when this actually started, but I was pretty little. I recently came across a note I had written in the first grade telling Tim Crane I loved him and asking him to marry me. When I hit puberty, I would try to get boys’ attention by being loud and doing stupid things. During this time, I acquired a camera and started taking pictures of guys that I liked when they weren’t looking. Sometimes they would give me dirty looks because I wasn’t quite as subtle as I thought I was, and they got tired of me stalking them with my camera. I recently read part of my old diary where I wrote this, “I broke up with *Kyle today. I feel bad about that. But now I think I like *Bobby, and I wouldn’t mind getting with *Ryan.” I was so needy that one boy didn’t seem to satisfy. After tenth grade, when one of my boyfriends broke up with me, I stalked him and would just happen to appear different places where I knew he would be. I can tell you, my neediness didn’t draw his heart back to mine…

In college though, I found a guy who enjoyed talking with me for hours on end, and I married him. Jeff and I still talk for hours, and he enjoys it because he loves me and we’ve always been great friends, but there is a limit. We have to eat; we have to sleep; we have to take care of our kids; we can’t talk all the time. It’s just not possible. Jeff’s good at helping me process through the stuff in my head…but sometimes he’s simply not available to do this. And then I feel rejected, but it isn’t because he has rejected me. It’s because I have such neediness, and he can’t meet all my needs. He’s not supposed to.

A while back, as I was wallowing in a sad and lonely time after I had been to a friend’s house, and I had stayed a little too long, it hit me that I can NEVER wear out my welcome with my Abba. He loves me when I’m sad and lonely and needy and ugly and unloveable. I was so excited to realize that He never gets tired of me…no matter what sin or issue I’m struggling with at the time. He actually wants me to come to Him…be with Him…need Him…struggle through my stuff with Him. This gave me great hope because I don’t have to be so needy with people. Abba can handle my neediness…my loneliness…my sadness…my need to be wanted. In fact, He’s in a love affair with me. I John says, “We love Him (only) because He first loved us.”

In Matthew 11, Jesus offers this invitation, “Come to me.” And He’s not asking those who have it all together. He’s actually talking to those who are weary and burdened…the needy ones…the ones who might talk a lot, and He offers us rest. And yet so many times, I still look to other people to meet those needs. No wonder the Rolling Stones wrote the song “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” They were right. We can’t get the satisfaction we long for in other people. It’s not possible. People just cannot satisfy the deep longings we all have…to be affirmed…to be loved unconditionally. And it’s when we realize that and walk in that, it’s at that moment that we can finally hold people loosely.

So, back to the sappy chick flick…I was happy to see the girl get the guy at the end of the movie. But it was only when she released and let go and didn’t expect another person to fill the void was when the right guy came along and got all worked up over her. It made me happy for all of us needy human beings.

Henri Nouwen says in his book Spiritual Direction “If we do not know we are the beloved sons and daughters of God, we’re going to expect someone…to make us feel special and worthy. Ultimately, they cannot.” Nouwen goes on to say that we need to forgive each other for not being God. I’m coming to realize that when we put our hope in other people to provide what they cannot, when we expect them to meet our needs, then we miss seeing Jesus right there willing to meet our deepest longings…our deepest desires.

*names changed to protect the innocent and to not embarrass myself more than I already have

“I’m Not Afraid of Who You Are”

Jeff and I feel “the call” to do a church in Goodlettsville, not because Nashville is hurting for churches, because it’s really not. But for a while, Abba has put the church thing in both of our hearts, and so we’re pursuing it. Jeff’s been gifted with teaching and counseling, and I’ve been gifted with quality time. And, yes, I know that quality time is not technically a gift; it’s a love language, but I’m claiming it as my gift.

One of my favorite things to do in the world is to sit down with someone and share journeys…and just see where they connect. Because I think that’s what we’re called to do…connect with each other…share each others other’s burdens.

I’m really open about my own story. But someone just recently told me that I shouldn’t be as open as I am with people, that I should only have a couple friends who really know me who I can trust to not repeat the things I share. Because, I was told, if I reveal myself, especially the ugly stuff, then what I say might get misconstrued…that someone might say something bad about me. And, yes, that’s already happened. That’s even happened with my blog. And that’s ok. Because there are always going to be those people who want to throw stones. They’ve got their ugly stuff too…they’re just not willing to admit it or share it yet.

In the Bible, when the Pharisees caught the woman in the act of adultery and brought her to Jesus to stone, Jesus told them that those who were without sin could be the first ones to throw a stone at her. They didn’t throw any stones that day. Instead, they left. The Bible points out that the older men were the first to walk away. Interesting…maybe once they began recalling their own sin, they could no longer condemn her…and they knew that they didn’t want their sin revealed.

I believe we’re called to share not only our victories but also our struggles. When we admit our struggles, the struggles don’t magically vanish, but they also don’t hold the same power that they once did. That’s what happens when you bring things to the light. James 5:16 says to pray for each other but also to confess our sins to each other so that you can live together whole and healed.

But the longer we keep our junk to ourselves…the longer we keep putting our masks back over our faces…the longer we pretend to have it all together, the more we allow Satan to come in and perpetuate his lies. Satan wants us to hide from each other and become isolated and not live in real Christian community by either trying to make us think that our junk is worse than other people’s junk, or if you’re stuck in the pride of legalism that your junk isn’t nearly as bad as anyone else’s. But both are lies from the enemy, and both lies cause isolation.

For years, I was afraid to be who I really was…afraid and ashamed to honestly reveal my struggles with the people around me. And you may be in that place where you feel it isn’t safe to reveal your stuff. Because you know if you were to reveal who you really are, you won’t be accepted and loved. It’ll be just the opposite. You’ll be rejected and judged. And that’s a hard place to be. If you’re in that spot, all I have to say is, “Run!” Run into the arms of your loving Abba who knows all your junk and loves you anyway. And He will show you the path out of the legalism and bondage. He will set you free.

I invite people to join me in my story…the good and the bad…the struggles and the victories. I hope you’ll share your story with someone. We all have a story to share. Our stories help other people know that they are not alone…that they don’t have to be afraid or ashamed…that we are all human…that we all struggle and that it’s ok.

And so I guess that’s what I want. I want to be involved in a church…in a community where people are not afraid to reveal who they really are…where maybe the people who have been hurt by the church can come and share where they are…where can lick their wounds and start over. That’s where Jeff and I were eight years ago. And we’ve been called to share that story with others.

Let’s fling open wide the closet doors. I’m not afraid of the skeletons in your closet, and I’m not afraid of those in mine. Find someone to share your story with. They need to hear it, and you need to share it. Be real. Be honest. Be open. It’s freeing for everyone.

The Princess and the Process

We spent our summer remodeling our kitchen…well, it’s still not done yet, but it’s close. I didn’t actually do much of the work…other than paint the cabinets at the very beginning of the project. I mainly just tried to stay out of the way while my husband and father-in-law did the work. I was doing pretty well until they put the drywall in, and then I thought I would lose my mind. I walked around huffing and sighing and huffing about the drywall dust that covered everything in the downstairs of my house. In the middle of this mess, we started home schooling. Since I’m a single focused girl, a seriously NON-multi-tasker, I had a really, really hard time.

About one-fourth of the way into the process, I had had enough and took the kids and went to stay with my brother and his family in Indiana for a few days and was secretly hoping that when I got back the kitchen would be mostly completed. It wasn’t. I came back and didn’t have a sink for over a week (we ate a lot of burritos, corn dogs, and PBJ’s on paper plates). I threatened Jeff to go stay with someone else while he and his dad continued to work. I think he would have loved for me to go away again…I was just not that nice to live with.

Now, as we’re nearing the end of it all, I’m kind of sad…NOT because it’s almost over, but because I really thought I would be able to handle the inconveniences of remodeling the kitchen better than I did…I really thought that it wasn’t going to be that big of a deal and that I would handle it reasonably well…I kind of pictured myself like one of those tough, enduring pioneer women…HAH! What I did learn about myself is that I’m not a process kind of gal when it comes to home improvement. Next time there’s a remodeling thing, I want to go to Disney World and let other people come in and do it for me. You know, a “move that bus” kind of thing.

Safety?

On our end of the year field trip to an amusement park, I found myself on a roller coaster with one of the 4th grade students. This roller coaster was rickety and jerky as only old wooden roller coasters can be. But I was happy to see that not only did this roller coaster have the safety bar across our laps, it also had seatbelts. I felt safer. I think that’s the part about roller coasters that makes me nervous…that the bar just might come unlocked and my body sent flying through the air. I’m not so concerned about death, just the part before death where the intense pain might be.

My friend Shelly recently told me about an experience she and her brother had had on a roller coaster as children. As she was telling me this story, I felt the panic and horror rising in the pit of my stomach for them. Their safety bar didn’t lock, but before they could climb out or tell anyone, the roller coaster started. She and her brother madly scrambled for the floorboard and somehow managed to remain there until the ride reached its stopping point. They were ok, and to my surprise, she still rides roller coasters. I think my roller coaster riding days would be over after that. That would be the story that I would have shaped my entire life around…”let me tell you about the time I got on the roller coaster, and the bar didn’t lock…”

In my life, sometimes it feels like the safety bar doesn’t catch…that I’m going to be thrown out…flung beyond my capacity to trust. And sometimes I am.

Right now happens to be one of those times when I’m waffling back and forth between panic and trust. But I honestly think Jesus is ok with that. In the garden, right before Jesus died, He asked His Abba three times to have “this cup” of death taken from Him. But then, He turned around and completely submitted to His Father and released everything…even His own life. I’m glad Jesus showed us such a clear picture of His own struggling humanness. I think His prayer in the garden was for those of us who wrestle with being able to release everything, even down to our own illusions of safety.

That’s where I am today…praying for the willingness to be able to release everything…everything but Him…

Isaiah 41 says, “Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God…I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.”

Does Jesus Care About a School? (Part 2)

Pioneer Christian Academy (see Does Jesus Care About a School?) is closing at the end of this school year. After being open for 39 years, it’s over. It’s the school my husband graduated from, and the school he’s been the headmaster of for the last two years. It’s where my own children have felt at home and have made good friends, and it’s the school I now work at due to default (the 5th grade teacher quitting in early December).

But Pioneer’s closing is a done deal. We prayed for God’s will, and this is it. Sometimes, it’s hard to see the greater good in it all, but I know that Abba is in control, He loves each one of us, and He is good. So this is good, even though at times it doesn’t feel like it. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy because it hasn’t. In fact, it’s been downright hard and ugly at times. And there are times when I just want to bang my head against the wall in frustration…frustration that there’s nothing anyone can do about all this…

It’s been painful having to watch my co-workers, who have become my friends try to find other jobs when there’s a shortage of teaching jobs and to watch my students be sad about not seeing each other anymore. This has been the school where some of them have been since kindergarten…It’s not easy for them to walk away and have to find another school and new friends where they might not feel as loved and accepted. There’s just a lot of uncertainty and instability for everyone right now. We, too, have no idea what the next thing is for our family either. But I’m clinging to the fact that Abba is still in all this…and some moments that’s all I’ve got.

A couple months ago, Jeff and I both woke up mad…angry that we had to deal with all the stuff that’s involved in a school closing. There are so many emotions…just wanting to be done with it all and then just wanting to hang on just a little while longer but then in the very next breath just wanting it to be over already…it makes me crazy at times.

But on this particular morning, Jeff and I went around and around about how difficult this has been. I went from trying to be supportive to wanting to chuck my hairdryer across the room (not at him, just against the wall, and I really wasn’t angry at him…I was just frustrated about the seemingly stupid situation I’m in.) And then I proceeded to tell Jeff, “I quit. I cannot deal with this any longer.” I put my jeans on and threw myself down on the bed. Jeff told me that I couldn’t abandon my students and started listing off the names of the kids in my class…I thought that his calling out the names of the kids in my class was a pretty low-down dirty trick, but it worked because I began picturing their faces…those kids who have been through so much in the last couple of years…such legalism and then such freedom… and now the loss of a place where they finally feel loved and accepted…and that some see as a haven.

After my temper tantrum, I agreed to go back to school but was still very much struggling to get a grip. After Jeff left our bedroom, I began to cry. I stood at the ironing board in my room and cried to Abba, sobbing out loud, “I can’t hear you anymore. I just can’t hear you over there, at that place.” And He said to me very, very clearly, “Take care of My sheep.”

So I finished getting ready and went in to school and did as I was told. I took care of His sheep for one more day. And that’s what I’ve been doing. But some days are just really hard…I can’t help but feel like we’re on our own version of the Titanic…one that’s been in the process of sinking for a long, long time. Most days, Jeff prefers to see Pioneer closing as a launching pad…where each one of us is being launched off in a different direction…to other places to be the hands and feet of Jesus to other people. And that’s a great way to look at it, but most days it still really feels like the Titanic to me.

I guess one of the hard things is that there have been some who have already left…parents, students, staff…, and it feels sometimes like those who have left have taken the lifeboats and the lifejackets and have left us to keep pitching water at the bottom of the ship, which is pretty hopeless at this point, and everyone knows it.

As some have left and said their goodbyes, I have had the crazy urge to cling to their legs like a little kid who won’t let go of his mom, the kid whose arms have to be pried from around her legs. I can sometimes picture myself as that little kid, wailing, “Please don’t go. Please don’t leave us. It’s not fair.” But on the other hand, I feel a little giddy for them because they got out…they got out in one piece, and I may not…well, at least it feels that way at times.

And I know it’s what Abba wants them to do, but I still can’t help but feel gut-punched at times…abandoned even. But this is what I’m supposed to do…It’s what I’ve been clearly told to do…”Take care of His sheep”…so that’s it …that’s all I can do. And I look around at the faces in my class, and I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. I have to see this thing through…finish it out. A friend of ours says that sometimes it’s necessary to “hold the hand of a dying ministry.” So, I guess in essence that’s what we’re all really doing.

As I was lamenting to a friend about being in the bottom of the Titanic bailing water, she said, “Oh no, you’re not bailing water…you’re the musicians…you’re playing the music.” So, for those of us who are left, for those who have stayed on board…we’re the musicians, playing the music as the ship goes down…making sure everyone doesn’t panic…helping quiet the terror that rages within when change happens…playing the music that lifts the soul and takes a person beyond what their present circumstances are…helping everyone see the beauty around them…helping everyone hear the voice of God…”Peace…Peace be to you.”