Kids, Diapers, and Stand-Out Moments

When you have really little kids, older moms like to say, “Enjoy them while they’re young, because you’re going to blink, and blah, blah, blah,” and I know I smiled sweetly and rolled my eyes, but in my brain I was thinking, “Are you crazy? I would give anything to have my kids grow up faster so I can have ten minutes in the bathroom to myself without someone beating down the door.”

Come to think of it, they still beat on my door while I’m in the bathroom. That really hasn’t changed all that much. But there are definitely some things that have changed; some things that made me giddy and had me jumping up and down.

Here are a of those few stand-out moments for me:

1. A few years back, on a trip I realized there were no more diapers to change. NO ONE WAS IN DIAPERS ANYMORE. I no longer had to try to change a wiggly little kid with a dirty diaper on a van seat, trying to figure out where to put all those used wipes, while trying not to get poop all over the van. And after 11 years of diapers with one year off around year 7, I was ecstatic.

2. But, even though there were no more diapers to change, there was still poop to deal with because there is the butt-wiping that takes place for a good while longer. But the day I woke up and realized I wasn’t wiping anyone else’s behind was a good day, a very good day. It’s the kind of thing that catches you off guard. It just kind of happens, and then you notice you have been freed and the freedom is, I must say, rather crazy good. So much so that you want to start telling everyone you see.

3. A while back, when my in-laws took us out to eat, I noticed I didn’t have to order off the menu for anyone. They all read and can figure out what they want. And not only that,  I’m not cutting stuff up anymore. I noticed Julia picked up her hunk of steak and chowed down. But you know what? She’s happy; I’m happy. She’ll probably eventually learn not to do that.

4. I don’t have to lock cabinets afraid that someone might drink something they’re not supposed to drink or down too many gummy vitamins. I haven’t had to call poison control for some time. That’s always nice.

5. No one has played in the toilet or put things in it that don’t belong, like say, toys or toothbrushes for a good long while. Now, they don’t always flush and since I have four boys, my bathroom is rarely clean and the seat inevitably stays up. But, no toilets have had to be completely taken apart to retrieve toothbrushes.

And, here are some really good things that stand out these days:

1. Talking. We sit around and talk a lot, which I love, since quality time is my thing. We talk about everything. Into the wee hours of the night sometimes. Like last night, my two oldest just didn’t want to go to bed. At 1  o’clock in the morning, they followed Jeff and me into our room, exhausted, but wanting to be around us some more. Very cool.

2. We play games and do puzzles. I have a few kids who really like to play games and connect in that way when connecting is sometimes difficult in other ways.

4. We watch movies that I have loved sharing with my kids, which inevitably evokes more conversation since we have to analyze everything to death.

5. We laugh and joke and have fun. And, yes, sometimes at other people’s expense. For Thanksgiving, we went to see my family. Julia got carsick and threw up. Jeff insisted that her brother Jonah, sitting beside her, hold the trash can while she was vomiting so her hands could be free to hold her hair out of the way. Her brother Jake, sitting in front of her, was holding his ears so he wouldn’t hear her vomiting. And Jesse (biggest brother, sitting as far away from her) and I were laughing, while Jeff continued to drive and insist that Jonah keep holding that trash can. I’m just not sure what Jeremiah was doing because I was laughing too hard at Jake and Jonah to notice. We finally came to a gas station, where we all tumbled out of the car. We all talked and laughed and replayed the whole thing again while Jeff washed the trash can out in nasty, leafy, drainage water. More laughter, of course. And then we all piled back into the van and continued on.  Julia was fine, by the way.

6. We camp. And even though a couple of them aren’t that fond of it, they humor me. And we have a good time. Together. And even though we’re together all the time (due to homeschooling) we’re really together in a tent, out in nature, and it’s great most of the time. Unless you bring one scooter and have four kids who all want to ride that one scooter at the same time, the whole time. Will be camping. Won’t be bringing the scooter.

7. They run around like a bunch of crazy lunatics who are completely out of control. And they’re big; they could knock each other and me down, and it would hurt. A lot. They have no common sense when they get like this, and their hearing becomes impaired (I read this in a magazine somewhere), so I get out of the way and laugh. And say things like, “Watch your brother’s neck” and “Please, don’t drop him on his head.” Even though I know they can’t hear me between my laughing and their lack of sense.

So for any moms out there who still have little ones, they really won’t stay that way long, (blah, blah, blah), hang on and enjoy. And please, by all means, share your stand-out moments.

the fake lay-down

I didn’t mean to lay them down, only to take them up again. That certainly wasn’t my intention. And I honestly thought I laid them down. I thought they gone for good…lack of trust, fear, anger, blame.

For some reason, they seem to vanish when my circumstances change and things don’t look quite so grim, when the bills are paid and there’s money in the bank and groceries in the fridge.  I’m overwhelmed when God provides and applaud Him for His amazing miraculous provision, but what happens right before the provision comes? When the bills aren’t paid and there’s no provision in sight? Then things get a little desperate, and I go a little nuts with worry and fear, and the things I thought I laid down are staring me right in the face again.

The fear and the doubt take over, and everything in me screams for relief, praying like crazy that He would provide once again, even though I’ve seen Him provide again and again. And begging Him for my circumstances to change. But if they did, I know I wouldn’t need Him quite so desperately anymore. So I’m still here, circling around again, and the same stuff is being revealed. Big surprise.

I look at the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness year after year after year, and they didn’t get it either. And I know I wouldn’t have been any better; I haven’t been any better.

They were people in dire circumstances…out in the desert for three days with no water. They complained. Of course they did. I would have thought I was dying.

Then, the Israelites didn’t have food. I can imagine their little ones with their parched mouths and hungry stomachs and their cries of “Give us food before we die.” They complained and blamed Moses. And I complain because I have to eat the same food.

They constantly begged to go back to Egypt, where they built things up as being better than they were. This too sounds familiar.

I’ve had my 40 years in the desert, and I don’t want to keep wandering around here for another 40. This time, I really, honestly want to lay this stuff down. I don’t want to continue this pattern of circling around and around, while I try to learn the same lessons over and over again.

I want to be different. I want to trust and look above my circumstances at Him, knowing He is the Giver of all good things, including circumstances that make us grow and change. And yet, sometimes, my eyes just fall back to my circumstances and my need only. And I become fearful and angry and start pointing fingers because things aren’t different, like I think they should be.

I’m officially eliminating the word “should” from my vocabulary. Because unfortunately it has taken on a life of its own. I have used “should” to put expectations on God and other people for what they “should” have done for me. And “should” was never good when I used it for myself either, as in I “should” have done this or that…heaping on guilt and shame.

So with “should” gone, I feel freedom from my past as well as lowered expectations (let’s be honest, they probably haven’t completely vanished with a speech change). But maybe this time, I will lay these things down, and I will have victory.

I want to do it better this time. And if I have to continue to wander here, I want to wander better. I want to complain less and not be so stinking fearful but to hope in Him, not for what He can provide but because of Who He is.