Hungry and Thirsty

For a long time, I never really understood the Bible. I grew up memorizing verses to earn ribbons and trophies that have long since been thrown in the trash. My motivation for learning Scripture was not out of love for God and His Word but was only for my own recognition and my desire to be the best. The trophies and recognition I received only served to fuel my pride, not create in me a hunger for God. I’m thankful, however, for the parts of the Bible I memorized, because even though my motivation was wrong, Abba uses all for His glory. Many of those verses that I didn’t really understand at the time now come back to me when I have needed them most. Nothing is wasted.

For me, reading the Bible was often done out of the same motivation as memorizing. Since I couldn’t really be recognized in the same way I could with memorization, I pretended I read the Bible more than I really did.  I did it for man’s approval. I also did it out of fear because I felt like I might be punished by God if I didn’t do it, so it was done in order to make God “good” with me.

By His grace, I don’t look at any of it that way anymore. Jesus made me good with God because of what He did on the cross for me…for all of us. I realize that God’s Word is about Him and what He’s done for us and what He wants to do through us. It’s about relationship and life and love. For those reasons and seeing Abba at work in me, I find myself hungering for Him and for His Word as well.

And not only are we blessed to have God’s Words, but we have the Holy Spirit within us to help us understand the Word of God, but too often we find Scripture boring, which we only secretly admit to ourselves, or we find it not easily understandable. So I found that I would rather go to books that explain about the Bible and the walk with Christ, rather than really living it myself.

I’m not a Bible thumper, and I don’t use the Bible as a weapon, at least not as a weapon against man, not anymore. I often think about people who live in countries who don’t have access to the Bible and what they would give to have one of their own to read and how fortunate we are to have the Words of God at our fingertips. When I watched the movie The Book of Eli, I was drawn to the fact of how the character Eli treated the Word of God. He desperately consumed it each night before he would sleep, which ended up serving a great purpose.

I know I have often only run to God and His Word when I’m in serious need. And then, when life is no longer spinning out of my control, I return God and my Bible to their designated shelf.

But the funny thing is that Abba has kept my life spinning out of my control for over 4 years now, so I have had no choice but to run to Him and remain there and have found rest in the process. I recently admitted to myself and God that I don’t want the times of testing and trials to stop until I know Abba so well that I can’t and won’t go back to the way my life was before I really began the  process of knowing and resting in Him.

For me, I no longer use the Bible to gain knowledge so I can sound like I know what I’m talking about, but because I want to know Him better.  Scripture is truth and it points us to the Truth. How can I not run to it because in it are the words of life to draw me into relationship with God Himself?

Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.  (2 Tim. 3:16-17, MSG)

This isn’t a post to make anyone (including myself) feel guilty or better about themselves because of reading the Bible or not reading the Bible. We shouldn’t try to do better.  Because then all we have is striving in our own flesh, which means nothing.  Our lives are all about the relationship with Christ…hands wide open to receive what He has for us. I want to say with all of my heart, “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you.”

The Real Super Power

It’s the middle of the night, and I really should be sleeping now.  My lack of sleep will cost me dearly. But right now, I don’t care. The little girl inside me can’t stop jumping up and down because of Jesus. If the almost forty year old woman that houses the little girl attempts to jump and keep up, she might sprain an ankle, so writing is where it now manifests itself. (But, please by all means, continue to picture the little girl jumping and twirling because that’s what I’m really doing in my spirit).

Remembering and sharing…that’s what I’ve been doing the last few days. We have a sort of family reunion/Kuzin Kamp for the kids, and the unique thing about Jeff’s extended family is that many profess to be believers, which is an amazing thing. I realize what  a gift this is when I talk to friends who have very little family who are believers. So we get to share for three days about what God’s been doing in our lives for the last year.

But along with this remembering and sharing, Abba has revealed a couple things to me in the past few days. First, that I like to surround myself with people who are similar to me and have the same faith I do. (that’s why church can be such a crutch for me…I feel important there, and it’s not supposed to be about me; it’s supposed to be about Him) I get my “God talk” there and feel no real need beyond that to share anywhere else . Second, that I have a hard time reaching out to people who are not believers because of my fear of rejection and not wanting to be presumptuous. And the combination of those two things has left me paralyzed.  I don’t want to presume on people’s time, and I can’t face them anyway because of the lies I’ve believed about myself. Sadly, it has left me voiceless to those who need Christ so badly.

 I recently read the fiction book, A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers, which took place in Roman times, but applies a great deal to how we live here and now.

We must remember we are not called upon by God to make society a better place to live. We are not called upon to gain political influence, nor to preserve the Roman [American]way of life. God has called us to a higher mission, that of bringing to all mankind the Good News that our Redeemer has come…” (341)

Honestly, I have done very little of this. I have this Message of freedom, and I see so many around me in bondage, and I’ve failed to attach myself in relationships and tell of this freedom in Christ. However, I don’t look at myself with condemnation or judgment or shame or strive in my own flesh to knock down people’s doors and become the neighborhood menace, because that’s not done in relationship. It’s not about guilt or fear or shame or about doing better. It’s not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength that God gives that allows you to endure the unendurable. (Col. 1) It’s about listening and following Him and where He leads. It’s allowing people to look into our lives and the Spirit revealing Jesus’ power to heal and save.

Thankfully, God looks at me and sees Jesus and His righteousness. I am worthy because He makes me worthy.Which makes my spirit leap inside me (hence the jumping up and down/writing) Which, in turn, makes me want to know Him better. I’ve seen His power in my own life…power to free me from pits that I had no hope of ever getting out of in my own strength, power to love people I had no power to love, power to provide when there was nothing, and I’ve barely scratched the surface.  But when people begin to see His power and His love and not just Jesus talk (although that certainly has its place) but actual living proof of who Jesus is and what He can do in people’s lives, then that not only becomes worth living for but also worth dying for.

God’s Way is not a matter of mere talk; it’s an empowered life. (I Cor. 4:18, MSG)

Too Something…

When things were going great
      I crowed, “I’ve got it made.
   I’m God’s favorite.
      He made me king of the mountain.”
   Then you looked the other way
      and I fell to pieces. (Psalm 30)

Yep, this is me…the crowing and the falling to pieces.

I love the Psalms. I feel like the people who wrote the Psalms and I would have been good friends. They seem to be all over the map with their mountaintop highs and their death valley lows, just like me sometimes.

But the thing I appreciate is that they didn’t try to fake it by pretending they were all right when they weren’t.  They didn’t feel like they had to clean up their act in order to be good with God. And, sometimes, they weren’t good with God, and they expressed that too.  They let it all hang out…the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I’m refreshed by these kind of people, actually. My friends are people like this.  They’re not afraid to praise God one minute, and then in the next admit how they’re battling discouragement.

Later on, in the same Psalm 30 it says,

You did it: you changed wild lament
      into whirling dance;
   You ripped off my black mourning band
      and decked me with wildflowers.
   I’m about to burst with song;
      I can’t keep quiet about you.
   God, my God,
      I can’t thank you enough.

Talk about change of heart and roller coaster ride of emotion. I’m glad that Abba can handle my emotions and my wrestling and my questions and even my fear because I don’t really have the trust and faith I thought I had.  But, the greatest thing? I feel no condemnation or judgment coming this way from Him. (Romans 8) 

I know that some of my favorite authors and musicians are/were men and women of faith who went through “dark nights of the soul.”  Their writing speaks to me the most, because we’re all human, and suffering and trials do come. But they’re real about their struggles.

In Matthew 5, Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” The Message says it this way, “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.  With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

I think I’m at the end of my rope so often that God is able to show up that much more. And then there’s twirling and laughing and arms raised…and gratefulness for rescue once again.

Do You Sense God’s Presence In Your Church?

I’ve recently been reading Church 3.0 by Neil Cole. If you have been questioning whether or not our Western churches are hitting the mark they were meant to hit, this book shows us how we’re not. I don’t typically read books about church. But this one is worth the read.

One of the things that struck me in this book was that Cole talked about the difference between a movement of God for people and a monument of people for God.  A movement is like a river always flowing outward where the community is; whereas, a monument is more like a lake setting up a base and drawing people to itself. But the biggest difference? One is empowered by God; the other is not.

As I was sitting there processing the movement versus monument thing,  I thought about how little removed we are from the days when the people built the tower of Babel. The tower of Babel people wanted to build something that reached up to the heavens.  They wanted to make a name for themselves and not fill the whole earth as God had told them to do after the flood. So they built a monument to themselves and clumped together and held on as tightly as they could.

It struck me that we often build miniature towers of Babel, and that’s what we now call church. Churches are supposed to bring glory to God, but many times they in fact do just the opposite. Many churches desperately try to keep their own little flocks together, by having them become members of their organizations, instead of sending them out into a world that needs Jesus so badly. And so they build a big building, as much as their money will allow, so that they can try to entice more to join them in their endeavors, instead of really being salt and light to the world.

The monument in Babel was left unfinished. And many of our churches have that same feel. They don’t feel quite finished, so they add another program or they build another building in an effort to quench that constant gnawing…you know that feeling that something’s just not quite right. And they convince themselves that they just haven’t quite done enough yet, so they set up another outreach.  And they wonder why the world isn’t joining them in their monuments for God.

Some people in the churches are now beginning to realize the world is not buying what we’re selling. The problem is, just like the people who built the tower of Babel, we’re still not listening. Wolfgang Simson said, “…programs are what the church does when it no longer relies on the Holy Spirit.” (85)

“Therein lies a huge problem in our churches. We have defined church by what we are and do, rather than by Jesus’ presence at work among us.” (57)

People just aren’t buying church the way it has been for centuries…it’s lost its power because it’s lost the presence.  Seventy-eight percent of my own city is un-churched or de-churched, depending on how you look at it. I think many people are catching on that many of our churches, our monuments, are not really about God in the first place; they’re more about the people who are building them and their own glory, and people aren’t stupid.

“The church is considered by the outside world as a group that is judgmental and fearful of the world and wants to have its own subculture, and it is entitled to not have to pay taxes for it.”  But Jesus’s example to us is completely different than the one we, His own disciples,  present to the world. “He came to bring justice and compassion, not a separated, self-important sense of entitlement.” (56-57)

This post is not anti-church, nor is it a post about what the best model for church is. I am part of the church, the body of believers called to follow and love Jesus. I just think we’ve lost sight of what that really means. Cole says, ”We should plant Jesus, and let Jesus build His church. We have planted religious organizations rather than planting the powerful presence of Christ.” (58)  As Cole says, are “we getting out of the way and letting people see how attractive Jesus is”? 

Some of us just recently had a share time on the Transfiguration where Jesus took Peter, James, and John up on a mountain, where Moses and Elijah, who had been dead a long time also appeared with Jesus. So, Peter said, “It’s good for us to be here to see this.” But, instead of enjoying Christ’s presence, Peter got it into his head that he had to do something to make the Transfiguration into an event. So he suggested that they (Peter, James, and John) make three tabernacles for Jesus, Moses and Elijah. And immediately, God’s voice came out of heaven, and He said, “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased. Listen to Him.”

Sometimes, we’ve gotten so involved in doing for God that we’ve failed or have forgotten how to listen to Him. In Scripture, Jesus says that He desires mercy and obedience, not sacrifice. We think that God will be pleased with all of our little sacrifices, and that these sacrifices will actually amount to something. Cain and King Saul and the Pharisees all thought that too. They all thought that doing for God outweighed listening to Him. 

The core importance of God’s church is not how the followers are organized, discipled, or helped.  The core reality of God’s church is Jesus Christ being followed, loved, and obeyed. (60)

What does it mean to follow Christ…I mean, really follow Christ? To listen to His voice and obey? If you’re looking for a list here, I can’t give one. It requires each one of us listening to Him as the chosen people He’s called us to be.

I think we’ve made being the church far more complicated than Jesus intended, and we’ve substituted methods for mystery…Christ in you…the hope of glory.

I John 2:20, 27 says, “But you have an anointing from the Holy One and all of you have knowledge…The anointing you received from Him remains in you, and you don’t need anyone to teach you. Instead His anointing teaches you about all things…”

Expectations or Expectancy?

“If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’–spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend….expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.” (205-206)

Expectations destroy…they can destroy friendships, marriage, families…sometimes all in one fell swoop. I want to enjoy my relationships.  I don’t want my relationships to be riddled with expectations, and I have to be honest, they have been at times. It’s been my loss in the past that I cannot just love and enjoy the people around me, rather than demand that my needs be met by them.

I’ve had friends who have tried to fix me…seriously, good luck with that. It seems that when people try to fix each other, there is an expectation for that person to act a certain way, because that person is just not measuring up to their expectations, and this seems to happen for a variety of reasons…power, control…maybe even wanting that person to perform in the same way that they themselves might feel like they have to perform for others.

Sadly, people who don’t have freedom don’t want others to have it either. Look at the Pharisees…they were angry that Jesus and His disciples had freedom and actually helped people on the Sabbath. The Pharisees desperately tried to make everyone, even the Son of God, live up to their rules…their laws…their expectations of who they thought God was and wanted Him to be.

It’s hard being in relationships where I know I’m not measuring up…where I know I should be doing something, maybe I don’t even know what that something is, but there’s this expectation there, this pressure to perform…to be something I’m not, to act a certain way, to fulfil a demand that someone has put upon me, whether stated or unstated.  

 ”Perform in a way that meets my expectations…” and then when I get those expectations met, I’ll give you ten more…that’s just how expectations work; the bar just gets raised higher and higher. I’ve done that before in my friendships but a whole lot more in my marriage, as Jeff can certainly attest to.

There were certain expectations that I had of Jeff in the past… to make me secure, to make me happy, to meet all my needs…and that’s not fair…not fair to him…not fair to me, if he chooses to comply with my needy demands…Talk about frustration on all levels. Jeff could not possibly do the things I was requiring of him, not for any length of time anyway. He simply wasn’t meant to meet all my needs.

Now, I really try to look to Jesus (my All in All) to meet my needs, not all the time for sure, but more than I ever have. I think one of the most freeing things about my relationship with Him is that He doesn’t have expectations on me; I mean, what could I possibly do for Him anyway? How could I possibly benefit the God of the universe?

For so long, I thought of God as a demanding tyrant who could never be pleased with anything that I did, much less be pleased with me. I don’t see Him that way anymore. When He looks at me, He sees Christ.

I think I’ve grown hopeful of seeing my Abba soon…I am expectantly excited…I cannot wait until I can see Him and just be with Him, and I think He feels the same way about me. Sara Groves has a song that she wrote called “Going Home.”  What if all our relationships looked like this?

Going home, I’ll meet you at the table. Going home, I’ll meet you in the air… Oh, I cannot wait to be home.

I’m confined by my senses to really know what you are like. You are more than I can fathom, more than I can guess, and more than I can see with human sight. But I have felt you with my spirit. I have felt you fill this room. This is just an invitation, a sample of the whole, and I cannot wait to be going home. Face to face how can it be?

I have a neighbor, who is also a good friend. We walk together almost every morning, and I really look forward to hanging out with her. We talk; we’ve prayed before; sometimes we just laugh. We don’t really put expectations on each other. But there is an expectancy there. I cannot wait to see her, to find out how her previous day has gone, what struggles she’s had to deal with, just friend kind of stuff. But I don’t try to fix her. What freedom for both of us to be who we are without condemnation and judgment, even when we spread our junk out for each other to see!

I have other friends like this, for which I’m very grateful. I don’t take those friendships for granted. I just look forward to seeing them again and hanging out with them. Just this past weekend, I had friends that came for a visit; and before they left, I was already looking forward to the next time they would come. No expectations…just expectancy.

But even when we’re not trying to, sometimes expectations do come to the surface, so how do we get rid of them?  How do we get back to that expectancy, that excitement of just being with the ones we love, instead of looking for something more from them?  

For me, it’s allowing Jesus  to change me and the people around me and not trying to fix them. Let’s work at just being together. Sound like fun?

No expectations.

No agenda.

No performance.

No shoes required.

Another Honest Prayer

 ”O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire.  O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, “Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.”  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.”

 

(from The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer)

Not There Yet

I’ve felt  like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately…even more than usual, knowing that I’m called to do something and yet being unable and unwilling to do what God’s called me to do. So in the midst of my confusion and angst and hard-heartedness, I’ve also been running…trying to escape…kind of like Jonah in the Bible.

Except I’m not called to go save the Ninevites, but yet in a way I am…because Jonah was called to love, and just like me, he failed miserably. And so in a sense that’s exactly what I’m struggling with…the call to love someone impossible to love…someone in my life who has hurt a lot of people and has left a mess everywhere she’s gone. You know this type of person.

Sara Groves has a song called “Tornado” talking about this impossible person to love.

You live your life like a tornado/Destruction follows everywhere you go/And you have no plans to stop or slow

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love/When everything you touch is rubble and dust/And it gets so hard to know how to trust

This is Jonah’s story too. I’ve heard so many pastors preach sermons on Jonah, and Jonah isn’t usually portrayed as a person most people would want  to emulate. But I get Jonah…I understand him. God was calling him to do something that he could NOT and would not do.  In fact, he hopped on a boat and tried to go as far away as he could possibly get. Me too. I don’t want to be anywhere near this person right now.

Jonah didn’t want God to rescue the Ninevites, and I can understand that. The Ninevites were evil people…killing Jonah’s own people.  As far as Jonah was concerned, these people were monsters. And yet, God had called Jonah to be the messenger to try to get these people to repent, so that God wouldn’t wipe them off the face of the earth. Jonah struggled with God for 3 days in the nasty belly of a fish before he decided God is God and is the one in charge of salvation.

Jonah preaches, and the Ninevites repent, and God shows mercy and doesn’t rain down fire on their city. This act of salvation makes Jonah angry with God, even though, days before,  he had just confessed that God was sovereign.  He sulks and climbs the hill overlooking the city, just in case God would change his mind and wipe these people out anyway, and God in his mercy grows a plant for Jonah to shade him from the sun.

But then, God takes the plant away, and Jonah’s anger and despair come out again at this point, and Jonah asks God to kill him twice. His plant (God’s blessing) is more important than the people of Ninevah. I find myself there too. Some days excited that God is a God of forgiveness and salvation because this includes me…but other days, not so excited that He would choose to be merciful to this one person who has done so much damage to people I love.

Jonah says, I knew this was going to happen! That’s why I ran off to Tarshish! I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!

And Jonah was right. God saved them. And I fear that God is going to merciful to my own enemy.  So, instead of praying for this person’s repentance, I want her to suffer in the way she’s made those around her suffer. I want her to reap some of what she’s sown. I want her to pay for what she’s done. Let’s face it, I just want her to be miserable.

We see that in Psalms…the imprecatory psalms…where the psalmist is asking God to smash his enemies to smithereens, not asking God to love them and save them.  In Psalms 55, the psalmist asks that his betrayers be hauled off to hell, and his betrayer happens to be a person he thought was his friend. And then in Psalm 58, he asks God to smash the teeth of his enemies.

But we tend to skip over those Psalms. We’re not comfortable going there…talking about the psalmist who is not loving and forgiving…because we’re not supposed to have those kind of emotions. We’re supposed to bottle them up and pretend that everything is fine.  

I certainly don’t remember any sermons being preached on the imprecatory Psalms, because Jesus says to love your enemies and pray for them which despitefully use you, right? And isn’t that what we tell our kids? And not only that, but What Would Jesus Do (WWJD)?  We have Jesus’ example on the cross, where He’s putting up with all kind of evil done to Him, and He still loves and forgives those who are doing it.

But I think God gives us those Psalms because those Psalms too are part of what we feel at times,  and I think Abba uses them to tell us that it’s all right to have emotions…even ugly ones at times….and that’s really where I am. There is anger and unforgivenness in my heart.

Recently, we were driving with the kids and just talking about stuff. I don’t even remember what we were talking about really, but Julia spoke up and said, “Sometimes I just get so angry on the inside.” My response: “Me too, baby.” And I could have gone on to say how we shouldn’t be angry, or the more spiritual answer of needing to give it over to God, but I didn’t.  Because I’m not there yet either. I’m still really mad.

And yet I realize when I’m like this…that I don’t really understand God’s grace…I don’t really get it.  I want His love and grace to wash over me but not over this person who has done so much damage to the people around her. But Jesus loves her just as much as He loves me. He died for her too. But the injustice of the situation just doesn’t seem fair. But then, who am I to determine what’s fair? All of a sudden, I’ve placed myself as one who deserves God’s grace, and I’ve become the “elder brother,” who is wallowing around in self-righteousness as well anger and unforgiveness.  Not pretty. (Tim Keller’s Prodigal God) 

In the chorus of “Tornado,” Sara Groves goes on to say

Every time I find healing you’re making a new mess/And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

What if she never changes?  Never repents?  Never admits that she’s sorry for what’s she’s done?  And she might not…ever.  What do I do with that?  Forgive? 

I’m just not there yet. I sort of want to be. But then, at times. I just want to hold my anger and unforgiveness close. Sometimes, I think I like being angry.

I don’t know if forgiveness comes a little at a time like a wave that just gently washes over you, or if it’s like a huge wave in the ocean, where it just knocks you off your feet and it’s hard to catch your breath.  Or maybe it’s different each time. I have a feeling, in my case, it’s going to be the one where I can’t catch my breath, and that it’s going to have to happen again and again.

Jonah realized He just didn’t have the capacity  to love those unlovable people. Because the call to love is impossible…especially the call to love people who are destroying your own people. The call to REALLY love…love like Jesus…it truly is impossible. There is no amount of boot-strapping or striving to get to that point. 

But I think in realizing we cannot love like Jesus (no matter how many bracelets we wear that remind us what Jesus would do and that we should be able to do it too)…that that’s when Abba can step in and do it through me…through you.  And honestly, I don’t even know how that works. I just know it does because I’ve seen it before in my own life. It’s part of that grace thing.

And that’s where brokenness seems to come in…that’s where Jonah’s brokenness comes in…in writing his own book, he showed his willingness to reveal his unforgiveness and hatred before the world…he didn’t try to clean it up. He told his own messy story. 

The book of Jonah ends with God saying to Jonah that Jonah was more concerned with God’s blessing (the plant) than with the 120,000 people in the city of Ninevah.  God asks, “Should I not be concerned about that great city?” And that’s it. The book’s done. But it doesn’t really end there.

Why are we not shown Jonah’s response in the book? It is as if God aimed an arrow of loving rebuke at Jonah’s heart, set it a-fly, and suddenly Jonah vanishes, leaving US in its path.  The question is coming right at us, because you are Jonah and I am Jonah.  We are so enslaved to our idols that we don’t care about people who are Different, who live in the big cities, or who are just in our own families but very hard to love.  Are we, like Jonah, willing to change?  If we are, then we must look to the Ultimate Jonah, and to his sign, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (Counterfeit Gods 154-155)

I was sitting outside the other day, and I was watching this bug go around in circles as fast as it could go…around and around and around, and I realize that’s where I’ve been lately…chasing my own tail…I can’t do this love thing. It’s impossible for me. But I know The One who it’s not impossible for. Because it’s really all about Him and His love, and letting go and realizing that Abba is taking care of every situation, even the most seemingly hopeless, infuriating situations.

 I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty.

So I’ve been reading these imprecatory Psalms, and this is the part that stands out from Psalm 55.

Haul my betrayers off to hell–let them experience the horror, let them feel every desolate detail of a damned life.

I call to God: God will help me.  At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh deep sighs–he hears, he rescues. 

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you: he will never let the righteous fall.  But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days.

But as for me, I trust in you.

“It is hard to make your adversaries real people unless you recognize yourself in them–in which case, if you don’t watch out, they cease to be adversaries.”–Augustine

Something to Talk About

Jeff’s had a temporary job for the last couple of months. And I had been anxiously hoping and planning for him to be able to get on full-time with this company. After being unemployed for almost a year, I was tired of being in that insecure spot of not knowing if we were going to be able to pay our bills. For a long time, I think I was really angry with God for putting us there for so long and not providing in the way that I thought He should provide.

And so security  became my idol. It’s probably been my idol for a very long time…but it definitely surfaced when we had none, and I was grasping to get back what security I thought I had.  I think I masked my desire for security by becoming obsessed with making money and with a good paying job. Allender says in Cry of the Soul,  “Shame arises because I am an idolater and I feel foolish when my idol topples.”

Recently, a friend told me I seemed to be caught up in thinking that money and Jeff’s job was where I thought the answer was…was where I was putting my hope. And she made me angry for saying that, but she was right, and in beginning to admit this to myself, my idol began to wobble and shake. God, in his graciousness and love, wants all of me…wants all of my idols ripped away…even if He has to do it in crazy ways.

On Tuesday, when the FBI and IRS raided the company where Jeff was working and made everyone go into the conference room and give up their work phones and computers and passwords, and the company was on the  6 ‘oclock news for tax issues, all the plans and hopes I’d had in Jeff providing security for me toppled in a very absurd manner. 

It toppled further when we thought we’d be okay financially for the next month since the company owes Jeff two week’s pay. But,  since the company owes over 2 million dollars to the government, it’s not likely that we’ll get our money, since I have a feeling that the government will get theirs before we get ours. So any money that I thought we might be able to hold onto and “make it” with was gone. Done.

I get it…Abba’s trying to teach me to trust Him and Him alone…not money, not a job, not my own feeble ability to procure security for myself.

I remember praying a couple of weeks ago for rescue…I don’t even really remember what I was praying for rescue about…probably rescue from myself….that would be nice. But, He definitely answered my cry for rescue… He’s in the process of rescuing me from the idol that had me by the throat.

Surprisingly, I’m okay…or maybe I’m just still in shock. At any rate, if someone had told me about the job thing a couple weeks ago, I would have been angry and beside myself with worry because God was not doing what I had already planned out. But I’m in the process of really learning to trust and let go.  I mean, really, what other options do I have?

I would love to say that trust was something I did, something I prayed for more of, but it wasn’t. I didn’t strive…I didn’t read a bunch of Bible verses…I didn’t even have some huge revelation.

Last weekend, we sang “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms,” a song I had not sung for some time. But the part of the song that really got to me were these words,

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,

Leaning on the everlasting arms?…

Leaning, leaning,

Safe and secure from all alarms… 

So, now, today, I’m ”leaning”  into Jesus with everything that I have…and for me, that means my palms are held out,  letting everything else go…but Him.

I am definitely waiting to see what’s around the next bend, but I STILL find myself making plans and struggling with the urge to hang on to everything BUT Him, but that would be crazy.  I know His plan is going to be good…because He is GOOD…and this isn’t some simple, stoic platitude. I don’t do platitudes, and I’m not stoic. And I’ve been here before.

But at least for today, in this moment, I am trusting Him to provide what HE thinks I need. And He’s already said that I don’t have to worry about tomorrow.

God uses absurdity to mock our arrogant demand for control–He knows that trust reveals a glory wilder than anything we can conceive.  -Dan Allender

All Over the Map

I’ve been gone lately. I haven’t wanted to write. Honestly, it’s been too hard to share where I am and where I’ve been. I’ve felt pressure from all sides to do stuff…stuff that supposedly gets me closer to God, and I’ve run the other way. At first, I thought I was running from God, but I think I’m running from the religious Bible thumpers who say I have to do certain things in order to be “good” with God.

Read your Bible, pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, grow.

Neglect your Bible, forget to pray, and you’ll shrink, shrink, shrink.

Really? Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. We all know people who read their Bibles, and that’s about as far as it gets. There’s no real relationship. It’s all a façade…an act…a performance to prove that they’re “good” in God’s eyes…that Jesus loves them because they’ve pleased Him with all their lists of things to do for Him.  They’re usually the ones who are trying to push their “methods” on everyone else around them and making everyone tired in the process. It’s all about control and manipulation. They’re posers…pretenders…hypocrites, and deep down their lives are a mess, and they know it. I’m a mess too, but I want to expose my mess so that others know that they are not alone and to find healing in the process.

I’ve been reading a lot of different things lately. And one of the books I picked up is called Families Where Grace Is In Place. Awesome book, by the way. But one thing VanVonderen points out about the passage in Matthew 18 which talks about causing “the little ones who believe in me to stumble” is that Jesus is not teaching this message to the drug dealers or the child abusers, although I’m sure they would be included, but  He’s teaching this to His own disciples, and He’s telling them to not make the children stumble by having them try to measure up…to try to earn God’s approval.  This passage comes right after the disciples were arguing about who was going to be the greatest in the kingdom. Coincidence? Probably not.   VanVonderen says, “I think Jesus was very concerned that His disciples were concerned about earning points in a kingdom where there are no points to earn.” (124)

Lately, I’ve been confused about who God is. Up until about five years ago, for me God was a God of judgment and condemnation. I didn’t know the loving, merciful, compassionate God who is NOT all-consumed with every sin that I commit. If He was concerned and kept record of every sin I committed, then Jesus died needlessly. All my sin was placed on Jesus at the cross…past, present, future. It’s gone, taken care of.  But that’s not what the legalists want people to believe, because they would no longer have control over other believers if everyone knew they were FREE from their laws…free to be who they are in Christ. Many pastors would be without congregations if believers realized they no longer have to be under the tyrannical hierarchy and rules that so many churches are built upon.

I’m angry and frustrated with the people who are posers, pretending to be bringing a message of God, when in fact, they’re using God to promote their own self-serving agenda. I’m surrounded by those who are afraid of God because they really think they can earn and lose points with Him and also by those who only use God for their own purpose to get noticed or to even become “blessed” and wealthy. In another book I read, the author said, I don’t believe Jesus became poor so that we could become rich.  I’m sick of being around religious people who are purposely trying to look full on the outside and are empty on the inside. Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” According to the ESV notes, “the poor in spirit are those who recognize they are in need of God’s help. The kingdom of heaven belongs to those who confess their spiritual bankruptcy.”

I have so many bad feelings toward the God that I grew up with…feelings of fear and anger and distance because my view of Him was so distorted. So many leaders I knew would take God and use Him like a weapon, to bash around at will to keep me and others in line.  But a few years back, at a very difficult point in my life, I met the part of God who was my Abba, my Father, and I put the other aspects of God out of my mind. Until now. And right now, I’m trying to reconcile the other aspects of God with my Abba. That’s been hard. I know my Abba is with me and loves me, but Almighty God still seems a little distant.

When Jeff was without work for close to a year, I knew God was providing, and it was amazing to see, but it was difficult. Friends and family were paying our bills and buying our food. But it became hard to receive because there was no end in sight.  And so I grew a little tired of waiting until we could become self-sufficient again.  Dan Allender in his book Cry of the Soul says, “They (the Psalms) expose the essence of our emotional turmoil—the commitment to finding life apart from trusting God.” (33)

Sara Groves has a song that reminds me that it’s ok to struggle…that it’s ok to wrestle…even if I’m having a crisis of faith…a lack of trust.  Because, remember, we’re not on a point-earning system with God, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief, especially for those of us who aren’t good at to-do lists, or get easily bored, or simply forget what it’s all about at times. That’s where I’ve been lately…a little lost, a little confused, a little forgetful, a little tired.

There is a love that never fails

There is a healing that always prevails

There is a hope that whispers a vow

A promise to wait while we’re working it out

So come with your love and wash over us.

Lesson from the Sideline

Yesterday, we were at Jesse’s soccer game where Jesse’s team dominated. Neither team scored, but our team really should have won. We kept getting it to the goal and then choking. The other team played hard, but the ball stayed on our side of the field most of the night. One of our players was injured and had one of his knees pop out of socket. Fortunately, his mom was a doctor and was able to put his knee back into place.

But while our team member was still lying on the field, I heard one of the opposing team’s dads who had already been yelling at our players, the refs, and his own players say loudly, “Well, they got what they deserved.” He went on to explain why this middle school kid lying on the ground, hurt, was what “we” all deserved. I was stunned at his callousness.

The opposing school happens to be one of the strictest schools in the area, known for its extreme legalistic rules. I said to Jeff, “It seems like the more legalistic they are, the meaner they are.”

Just look at the Pharisees though. They were mean. They would rather Jesus keep their rules than have Him show compassion toward anyone. He made them look bad, and it made them angry…angry enough to kill Him because He didn’t do what they wanted Him to do. They were furious when He ate with the riff-raff, ragamuffin sinners. And Jesus responded to the Pharisees by saying, “I’m after mercy, not religion.”

Our player stayed on the ground for several minutes. I was glad to see that the loud parent who stated what we all deserved was one of the ones who helped our player by getting ice for his knee. So maybe he realized the stupidity of his statement after all…because we all say stupid, hurtful stuff. And, at times, we all act like self-righteous Pharisees. I believe it’s Tim Keller who says that not only do we have to repent of our sin, we must also repent of our self-righteousness. So, even though I’m not stuck in strict legalism any more, I do tend to get stuck in my own self-righteous pride, and it’s then when I have to remind myself that Jesus looked on the multitudes (even the loud mouths) and felt compassion…mercy.