Expectations or Expectancy?

“If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’–spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend….expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.” (205-206)

Expectations destroy…they can destroy friendships, marriage, families…sometimes all in one fell swoop. I want to enjoy my relationships.  I don’t want my relationships to be riddled with expectations, and I have to be honest, they have been at times. It’s been my loss in the past that I cannot just love and enjoy the people around me, rather than demand that my needs be met by them.

I’ve had friends who have tried to fix me…seriously, good luck with that. It seems that when people try to fix each other, there is an expectation for that person to act a certain way, because that person is just not measuring up to their expectations, and this seems to happen for a variety of reasons…power, control…maybe even wanting that person to perform in the same way that they themselves might feel like they have to perform for others.

Sadly, people who don’t have freedom don’t want others to have it either. Look at the Pharisees…they were angry that Jesus and His disciples had freedom and actually helped people on the Sabbath. The Pharisees desperately tried to make everyone, even the Son of God, live up to their rules…their laws…their expectations of who they thought God was and wanted Him to be.

It’s hard being in relationships where I know I’m not measuring up…where I know I should be doing something, maybe I don’t even know what that something is, but there’s this expectation there, this pressure to perform…to be something I’m not, to act a certain way, to fulfil a demand that someone has put upon me, whether stated or unstated.  

 ”Perform in a way that meets my expectations…” and then when I get those expectations met, I’ll give you ten more…that’s just how expectations work; the bar just gets raised higher and higher. I’ve done that before in my friendships but a whole lot more in my marriage, as Jeff can certainly attest to.

There were certain expectations that I had of Jeff in the past… to make me secure, to make me happy, to meet all my needs…and that’s not fair…not fair to him…not fair to me, if he chooses to comply with my needy demands…Talk about frustration on all levels. Jeff could not possibly do the things I was requiring of him, not for any length of time anyway. He simply wasn’t meant to meet all my needs.

Now, I really try to look to Jesus (my All in All) to meet my needs, not all the time for sure, but more than I ever have. I think one of the most freeing things about my relationship with Him is that He doesn’t have expectations on me; I mean, what could I possibly do for Him anyway? How could I possibly benefit the God of the universe?

For so long, I thought of God as a demanding tyrant who could never be pleased with anything that I did, much less be pleased with me. I don’t see Him that way anymore. When He looks at me, He sees Christ.

I think I’ve grown hopeful of seeing my Abba soon…I am expectantly excited…I cannot wait until I can see Him and just be with Him, and I think He feels the same way about me. Sara Groves has a song that she wrote called “Going Home.”  What if all our relationships looked like this?

Going home, I’ll meet you at the table. Going home, I’ll meet you in the air… Oh, I cannot wait to be home.

I’m confined by my senses to really know what you are like. You are more than I can fathom, more than I can guess, and more than I can see with human sight. But I have felt you with my spirit. I have felt you fill this room. This is just an invitation, a sample of the whole, and I cannot wait to be going home. Face to face how can it be?

I have a neighbor, who is also a good friend. We walk together almost every morning, and I really look forward to hanging out with her. We talk; we’ve prayed before; sometimes we just laugh. We don’t really put expectations on each other. But there is an expectancy there. I cannot wait to see her, to find out how her previous day has gone, what struggles she’s had to deal with, just friend kind of stuff. But I don’t try to fix her. What freedom for both of us to be who we are without condemnation and judgment, even when we spread our junk out for each other to see!

I have other friends like this, for which I’m very grateful. I don’t take those friendships for granted. I just look forward to seeing them again and hanging out with them. Just this past weekend, I had friends that came for a visit; and before they left, I was already looking forward to the next time they would come. No expectations…just expectancy.

But even when we’re not trying to, sometimes expectations do come to the surface, so how do we get rid of them?  How do we get back to that expectancy, that excitement of just being with the ones we love, instead of looking for something more from them?  

For me, it’s allowing Jesus  to change me and the people around me and not trying to fix them. Let’s work at just being together. Sound like fun?

No expectations.

No agenda.

No performance.

No shoes required.

Please Notice Me

 

A few mornings ago, Julia went with me on my walk. She woke up early and asked to go. As we were walking out of the driveway, she said to me, “Mom, I bet the boys will wonder where I am.” She said it again a few minutes later. Now, some may view this as childish self-absorption, but I see it as what is in the heart of every little girl and also every grown up woman. It’s a heart that says, “Please, please notice me. Please tell me you miss me when I’m gone. Please tell me I’m important and beautiful and loved.” I don’t think this is a princess complex. I believe this is part of what it means to be a little girl, to be a woman. Ways of expressing it may become different as a little girl grows into womanhood, but it’s still the same heart.

 

I’m coming to realize that no one is ever going to be able to connect with me enough, father, husband or friends, and this doesn’t make me feel sorry for myself in a way that it once did. It makes me want to connect that much more with my Abba Father who cuts through the all the junk and knows all about me and likes me as I am. I just recently wrote the verse Psalm 45:11 on my bathroom mirror, The King is enthralled by your beauty.  I like that a lot. Abba also says, I have loved you with an everlasting love. That too is lipsticked on my mirror…pretty soon I’m not going to be able to see my own face in the mirror. But these verses are a constant reminder to me that He is the only One who can love me as I need, as I desire, as I long to be loved.

 

I think for so long I’ve placed unrealistic expectations on relationships that I should be enjoying, instead of trying to suck the life out of. I found a quote out of The Shack that says,  “When we (friends) see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking…But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’—spoken or unspoken? Suddenly law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend.” (205) When I was in college, Jeff would come to intramural soccer games where I was cheering and bring a book. This hurt my feelings because I think I expected him to watch me cheer and stand in awe of the woman he was going to marry…I was in essence saying, “Please notice me and validate me.” But when I embrace Christ in the way I’m supposed to, it lets everyone around me off the hook, and I can enjoy relationships as they’re meant to be enjoyed.

 

So, Julia’s brothers probably didn’t notice her absence, but she has an Abba who knows every hair on her head, knows all her thoughts, and enjoys her, even when no one else does. My job is to point her to the only One who can satisfy and love her as she needs to be loved. I hope she comes to realize she’s being “courted by her Creator.” When we girls accept the love our Abba has for us, we no longer have to go looking for love…we realize it’s already found us.

 

 

Confessions from the Valley

 

This past week I have been living in what I would call a self-inflicted valley. Those are the worst kinds because those are the ones I throw myself into, and I have only myself to blame. What sent me back to this spot again? I believe I went back there because I’ve chosen to hold onto my anger and my hurts and my disappointment.  I began licking these wounds once again, and I went into a tailspin that sent me down fast. But times like these aren’t wasted, and this was no exception. This time, I’ve spent asking Abba lots of questions. And He’s been answering, sometimes in ways I don’t necessarily want to hear. But I wrestled with Him, and He wrestled back. He reminded me He’s been on this journey with me all along…and that He will never leave me or forsake me.

 

There are three questions that I wrestled with.

 

Do I really believe Abba can heal me? 

Can I let go of my victim status?

Can I forgive?

 

When I come to a place of painful memories, I can either try to numb my pain by self-medicating, which can come in many forms or I can embrace the pain I have and cry out to the one who can heal, Jehovah Rapha. I spent a lot of time sleeping (my form of self-medication this particular time), but I also cried out, only half-believing that Abba can really heal me. I continued to walk and talk with Abba because deep down inside I know He has to be the answer. But many times I don’t really want Him as the answer. I enjoy wallowing in my anger and my hurt because there’s a certain satisfaction in hanging onto my self-righteous victim status.

 

For a long time now, I’ve held onto bits and pieces of my anger and unforgiveness because if I forgive, then that seems to let the people who wronged me off the hook…I won’t be able to be the judge or the victim anymore, and I think I like playing these roles. I found this quote, “Forgiveness does not excuse anything…forgiveness is about letting go of another person’s throat.” (224) In the middle of my valley,  Abba revealed once again that these people are loved by Him as much as I am and have just as many hurts as I do, which invokes in me mercy and compassion for fellow sufferers.     

 

I can’t change what happened in the past, and some things may continue to make me sad, but all I can do is continue to cry out to the One who gives “the healing and grace my heart always hungers for.” Yeah, I still have forgiveness and healing that need to take place, but I’m trusting that Abba can do the healing, that He can do the forgiving through me.  I don’t think releasing these things is a one-time thing but is actually a slow, gradual process. And just like I haven’t walked through my valley alone, I’m not alone in this either.

 

Henri Nouwen said, “One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may

be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.” This weekend was about despair, but right now, I’m standing out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting praise (Rom. 5) because Abba’s in the process of changing a heart…and surprisingly it’s my own.

Small Confessions

“The problem …is not how to break the chains–God has already done that–but the willingness to enslave ourselves to Jesus, who sets us free.”

Enslave myself to Jesus who sets me free.  What does surrender actually look like? What happens when I know Jesus is telling me to do something, something for my own good, and I refuse to do it? It seems like He tells me to do weird stuff some times. I think He tells me to do things that He would have done, like helping people He didn’t know.  He tells me to help people I don’t know alot, and sometimes I say, oh God, please not today. It just feels so uncomfortable,  so “holier than thou-ish.” I had this whole attitude last week when He told me to help this lady with her groceries. It’s such a small thing, but I refused to do it.  I even sat in my van and watched her, telling Him how badly my head hurt.  I don’t believe God punishes or grows distant…”If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is.”  My selfish stubborn pride is punishment itself.

A couple months ago, I was sitting in the chiropractor’s office, and the Spirit was clearly telling me to get up and help this girl who had a baby on her hip and was pushing a stroller through the door. I was talking on my phone at the time, so I just refused His prompting…well, it turned out to be someone I’m related to…ouch…I actually confessed to this relative right then and there how I had refused the Spirit’s prompting. Maybe helping others isn’t the Spirit’s promptings; maybe these are just small acts of kindness that connect human beings…or not connect, in my case.

It seems like I can come up with 100 different excuses to not help someone…but it’s really selfishness and a lack of love…not wanting to put myself out there for someone else. I’ve most certainly got bigger issues of selfishness than not holding doors or not helping little old ladies or ignoring my children because I’m busy doing some thing…but at the source of it all is actually my being unwilling to enslave myself to Jesus, by not surrendering, by not yielding, by not holding my palms face up and receiving what He’s offering…Himself…His life lived through me.