All Being Equal

I really like to camp. I love the family time and being around the campfire eating good food and the talking and the hiking and the camping equipment. I like everything about it (well, except for the packing up, maybe). I recently found myself in a Coleman store filled with camping “must-haves,” and I lost myself for a while.

A few weeks back, we went camping with some friends. During this trip, I realized something about myself. It was like a voice, not necessarily God’s, but I don’t discount it, because I heard truth. In my head I heard, “You’re not as laid back as you think you are, or as much as you would have people believe.” And I realized that I have not been honest with myself or with others about the persona I sometimes portray.

During this trip, my friend talked about one of her relatives being like “whatever” about everything. Her description of this person gave me clarity about who I’m not, realizing that I’m not totally relaxed about everything like I would like to think I am. And that that’s ok. And that in realizing this about myself, that I have expected that in others and that I need to cut people some slack, especially those closest to me.

Because heaven help Jeff if he takes a tone with me or is not as relaxed as I think he should be. And my seemingly favorite words to a couple of my kids are, “Chill out” or “Relax already.” The irony being that at the moment these words are uttered through gritted teeth, I myself am neither chilled nor relaxed. I happened to catch myself saying this just a few minutes ago to the one who looks a lot like me.

And that’s where the problem lies…thinking others should be as relaxed as I think I am…

I lost my keys the other day for a few minutes. I have a habit of laying things down places and not having any idea of where I’ve put them. But when I use to lose stuff, it would make me angry, and I would have these outbursts of rage, unable to believe that I had actually lost something, meaning that someone else must have taken the thing and put it where I couldn’t find it.

After I located my keys, Jeff complimented me by saying that I didn’t rage nearly as often as I used to. And I commented that I never did do it very much. However, he kindly refuted my statement about myself by saying, “Oh, no, you used to do it every couple of weeks.” I had to chuckle because I think he’s right; he remembers these outbursts well because they were so over the top and apparently because they occurred more often than I recalled.

So rather than pretend I’m a totally relaxed, fly by the seat of my pants type of person or try to be this “whatever” type of person, I need to embrace who Abba has created me to be. Not perfect, not altogether laid-back, but not exactly uptight either about most things. Just me, trying to be grateful for the people gifts Abba put in my life, embracing them and allowing them to be who they are and realizing that one type of person is not better than another.

Living on a Prayer (the dark side)

I woke up several hours ago (that’s what I get for going to bed at 9:00), thinking and worrying about things I have no control over.

Some days, I just want to throw in the towel…it’s just too hard…too difficult to walk the path He’s called me to. I don’t want to live by prayer and faith. I want things to come easy. I don’t want everything to be a struggle all the time.

But instead of going to the One who can help me shed my worries and my fears, I try to procure my own peace by escaping.

The result?

It’s not pretty. And there’s no peace to be had. Just more uncertainty and yuck.

As I sit here with tears pouring down my face, I begin to cry out to my Abba. For He alone is the One I can run to.

And He draws my attention to the small blessings He’s given me in the last few days.

• Red tulips (I saw three at the library, and I was mesmerized,  and it was like Abba said, “You like that? Just wait till you see the dozens at the soccer field.”)
• Watching 2 of my boys playing soccer on the same team with their dad coaching
• Crazy little kids that laugh loud and hard
• Kids playing outside all day long with the neighbor kids
• The date I will have with Jeff tomorrow (well, technically today)
• Sunshine all throughout a day when it was supposed to be rainy and cloudy
• Laundry blowing crazily in the wind
• Yellow air soft BB’s that you can find in the nooks and crannies all over my house
• Songs that make me cry
• Watching Julia as she sword fights with our neighbor, because she’s his “apprentice”
• Kids that go barefoot, now till Thanksgiving (and that’s probably an under-exaggeration)
• Our small family garden that now has potatoes planted, given to us by our neighbors
• Warmer days ahead
• A friend understanding what we’re called to do and lending an encouraging word and help

Many, many more blessings…too many to count.

My ”stuff” isn’t fixed. It’s still there. But somehow it seems smaller, less consuming than it did before.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down {His peace}. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4)

fully present

Right now, I’m in the middle of learning to be fully present. Which is good, since I stink at multi-tasking anyway. I’m not the mom that can do ten things at once, which is unfortunate since I have 5 kids.

I am the mom who turns the stove top on to make an egg and then disappears into the living room to check the weather. I become engrossed in the weather and by then my egg and the stove have become a memory of the past. Being engrossed no more than a few seconds, I get on the computer to check my email, but it never ends at checking email.  I start writing a blog post.

Only then, when my kids start complaining about the horrible smell and the smoke, do I realize that I turned on the stove many minutes before, completely burning the bottom of my pan and almost setting my kitchen on fire. I think that this type of behavior might be labelled as multi-tasking ADD.

I was struck the other day as I stood washing  dishes that I need to be fully present at whatever I am doing, whether it is washing dishes or hanging laundry or listening to kids who have more words than I do. To be present and not mentally go on to the next task that needs to be completed. To just enjoy the one at hand.

When I think of everything that needs to be done for the day, it makes me grumpy and overwhelmed.  And I miss out on the blessings of the task I’m in the middle of when I jump ahead to the things in my head that I may never accomplish anyway.

But this is more difficult than I imagined…this task of being fully present.

When my older boys were little, I was physically present but not emotionally present. I was too busy looking for what I thought would satisfy my hungry heart. So my husband and children got the leftovers, and there wasn’t much left over. But, thankfully, Abba showed me grace and is even now redeeming those wasted years.

I say I want to be fully present, but I can still zone out on God and my family by the many distractions I have around me. I too often find myself trying to find life from a computer screen or trying to live vicariously through someone else’s life…trying to escape who God has called me to be and the tasks He’s already laid out for me to do.

But even in confessing that this is my struggle, I find He has given me victory for this moment. And that’s all I can ask for.

…let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus… (Hebrews 12)

 

She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and that your heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads. A scholarship to the conference will be awarded here.

Swimming in the Deep End

I was watching a movie the other night about a married couple. The movie was fair, but not great. It did however have an interesting take on things, especially for people who have been married a number of years.

It is true that there are a lot of mundane, non-exciting things that come with marriage…paying bills, picking up after kids, making meals, doing laundry…the tasks can seem endless.  And life can seem a little monotonous. Everyone feels this way at some point. It’s part of being human.

And so the tendency might be to start looking around for things that are exciting and new. That might come in the form of a vacation or another car or another job or another business deal.  But for some, it might involve looking for a new person who will ramp up the excitement in a rather desperate housewife sort of way.

There is no doubt that new relationships can be intense and exciting.

But we’re not supposed to stay there forever. Or to ditch the relationships when they aren’t new and quite as exciting as they once were.

Our society tells us that new is best, and that when something gets old, you replace it. Sadly, we’ve seen that happen even with people.  

So, my take-away from this particular movie was that after the newness and excitement of  the relationship have worn off, whether it be in friendships or in marriage,  then that gives us an opportunity to go deep which takes time and energy and vulnerability and trust.

 Depth is not easy, but it  is where we should be heading in our relationships, not trying to reclaim new.

“I feel so strongly that deep and simple is far more essential than shallow and complex.” – Mr. Rogers

 

Challenge and Adventure

Jeff and I went to Orlando last week for a church planting conference which was great and taught us a lot about church planting. But it was on our trip back that we learned much about ourselves and each other.

When we left the conference, Jeff decided to wait to get gas, not realizing that Florida toll roads don’t have easy access gas stations. So Jeff was in a panic because he was sure we were going to run out of gas. But we had our GPS which tells us where the next gas station is. The closest one was over 15 minutes away. But I’m not really that worried. I’m mildly annoyed that Jeff didn’t get gas already, but, hey, I’m willing to hike a few miles…it’ll make for a great story later. The GPS had us turn down some back road that Jeff thought looked like a scene out of “Deliverance.” Jeff, meanwhile is clutching his heart and gasping for air. After driving and driving, we finally get to the gas station that our GPS has taken us to, and the gas station is closed for remodeling. I just started laughing hysterically because it was so absurd. So we have to turn around and go back the other way, and Jeff is now really sure we’re not going to make it. We’re another 5 minutes away since we have to backtrack. And since the gas light has been on since we left, we are now well below empty. Jeff is still in a panic, but beginning to laugh a little at the absurdity of it all, and I’m telling him it’s no big deal if we have to walk to get gas. But we’re on a main road now, and I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be any serial killers after us (too many crime shows for me). We don’t end up running out of gas…anti-climatic, I know.

So we drive 13 more hours. It’s midnight, and we both haven’t slept all day. We hit TN, and we hit snow and ice. Since TN seemingly has only one snow plow, the roads had not been cleared off all that well. We’re driving on the interstate 2 days after the snow hit, and in some spots only one lane on the interstate had been cleared off and even that was questionable. Even though Jeff and I lived in Wisconsin for a couple of years, and we learned how to drive in snow/ice I was freaking out a little (ok, I was clutching the passenger door). Jeff didn’t seem to notice because he was busy pointing out the snow-covered landscape to me, and then he proceeded to point out all the cars and trucks that had slid off the side of the road. I’m not really noticing what’s around me so much (except for the jack-knifed semi-truck in the ditch) because I have my eyes glued to the road looking for patches of black ice and getting irritated that Jeff does not have his eyes glued to the road like I do. Meanwhile, there were some idiots out there who don’t have a clue how to drive on these kind of roads, and they were flying past us. Jeff told me to stop trying to tell everyone else how to drive, including a police officer who also flew past us. After an hour of this, we made it safely home…once again anti-climatic.

So what’s the deal? Here’s a man who cannot stand to ride roller coasters (relatively safe) but is totally calm driving on ice with life-threatening conditions with crazy people driving around us and is busy pointing out the scenery to me. And I’m willing to walk on back roads, where unseen dangers lurk, to get gas but get a little crazy over ice-covered roads (although I probably would have been fine if we’d just run off the road…)

After almost 18 years of marriage, we learned that I like adventure and Jeff likes challenge. And these are two very different things. A speaker at the conference said that during her and her husband’s church planting process (ie. roller coaster ride), while one of them was busy puking their guts over the side of the roller coaster the other one had their hands in the air loving life. So my husband doesn’t like adventure, and I hate challenges…I figure we’re pretty well-matched because life is made up of both…

Jeff’s Christmas Letter 2009

Christmas 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! Usually Kim writes our Christmas letter, but we thought I could give it a try this year. During our time in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, our hearts were being led from a life in school world to a life in church world. Over a few years, we were becoming more and more eager to plant a new church. And then, oddly enough, in the summer of 2007, the Lord very obviously led us to Nashville to help with a school.

During the two years at Pioneer Christian, we learned a lot, met some wonderful people, and developed a heart for the families in the area. We went through a very difficult situation with a loving and gracious Father and a bunch of terrific people. Although the school closed in May 2009, our time at Pioneer was in many ways a beautiful time in our life as a family. And now for the last few months, we have been laying the groundwork for planting a new church on our side of Nashville. We’re looking forward to seeing what the Father has in store for North Hills Church. Long term, our desire is to encourage and support a growing network of new churches in our area. We’re grateful that the Father has invited us on this adventure, and it’s been encouraging to watch Him provide for us in every way.

We’re home schooling this year, and it’s definitely improved our unity and our conflict management skills. I’m incredibly thankful that I have been able to spend so much time around my family. Jesse is a compassionate, magnetic leader, a champion for the outcast and the forgotten. Jonah is a creative designer who believes firmly that what the world needs is more and better parties. Jake is an artistic lover of nature with tremendous insight into the world around him. Julia is a beautiful package of pure energy. She has the gift of gumption. Jeremiah is all brightness and joy, and he conquers everything around him with smiles and hugs.

Kim amazes me. Everything about her is touched with the grace of authenticity. Her awareness of her Abba’s love can be almost overpowering at times. As for me, I’m still becoming Jeff, becoming more and more grateful, becoming more open and aware.

If you’d like to keep in touch, Kim and I are both on Facebook. Kim writes a blog at
http://lovegracepeace.wordpress.com. I’ll be starting a North Hills Church blog soon. Our emails are darnell.jeff@gmail.com and lovegracepeace@gmail.com.

May you see your self and those around you through the eyes of your Father.

Grace and Peace,
Jeff

Hope Found

It’s been a tough three years. Before we moved to Nashville, Jeff and I walked through a really rough time in our marriage. And then when we moved to Nashville, we walked into a school (Pioneer…see Does Jesus Care About a School? parts 1 and 2) that was in the process of a slow death and was so full of legalism that we felt like we’d been shot back in time about 10 years. Then, after all the good but difficult changes that Jeff made in the first year at Pioneer, we walked into the second year there, and because of the recession we didn’t have enough students. So every month, we didn’t know how the teachers and the bills were going to be paid. We tried many different ways to keep the school open and spent hours praying for a miracle. I found myself often putting my hope in some mystery person who was going to walk in and save the day and the school, and it didn’t happen. But in the middle of it all, Abba kept telling me that He is a God of hope, no matter what happened. And even though the school ended up closing, I began to really believe that He truly is my Hope no matter what happens with schools and situations and people.

But this summer I struggled with a lot of different things…I grieved about Pioneer closing. And I worried about what we would do about school for our children (we are currently home schooling) and then I worried about how we were going to be able to survive financially.

At one point, I became angry and fearful because I was hoping my life would be more secure…more comfortable…enough money to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to have to trust every day that He would provide. I didn’t want to have to even think about it. I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to and not really depend on Abba moment by moment.

I remember hearing the story about George Mueller, who ran an orphanage, and how they would sit down to breakfast, and there would be nothing to eat, and they would pray and thank God for the food that He was going to provide, and then a milk truck would break down on the street in front of their door. This kind of crazy stuff happened a lot for them. They rarely seemed to have what they needed before they needed it. They always got enough right when the need arose. And that made me frustrated that we might have to live that way. I was fearful that my family might not have enough.

But in the middle of all this fear, Abba brought the verse to mind in I Timothy that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Fear always seems to push the other three out…the power, the love and the sound mind…they just seem to vanish because fear paralyzes us. No wonder “Do Not Fear” is the most often repeated command in the Bible.

I really wrestled with this. At one point, I’m not even really sure when, I threw up my hands and finally accepted whatever it was He had for me and my family. There are still fearful days, but I’m learning to hold my hands palms up and receive what comes from Him. I am learning to trust…not in my ability to be frugal, not in a job, not in my husband, not in a school, not in the church…just Him.

So here’s our modern day George Mueller story…a few months ago, one of the Nashville transit buses bumped into the back of our van while Jeff was sitting at a red light. Thankfully, Jeff wasn’t hurt at all. It messed up our bumper a little more than it already was (it already had a dent in it) but did very minimal damage. So, right when our need arose, we got a check in the mail with Jeff’s name on it. The Nashville transit bus just turned out to be one of our crazy milk trucks.

So, Jeff and I are in the middle of doing a church plant in North Nashville. Jeff has a pastor’s heart, but Jeff and I are not church planters…This is one of those weird God-things. The desire to unearth this community called North Hills Church is totally from Him. And then I ran across this a few weeks ago…

Go the lost and confused people right here in the neighborhood.
Tell them that the kingdom is here…Don’t think you have to put
on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don’t need a
lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to
keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light. (Matthew 10)

Some days these verses feel totally overwhelming and insane. But Isaiah 43 says, “when you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end-”

Everything always comes back to Him…Jesus was sent so that we could have hope…not in money, not in jobs, not in situations, not in people, not in schools, not in churches…He came so that He could BE our Hope.

But I Know Someone Who Is

I recently watched the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I’m not a chick flick kind of girl, but I liked this movie. I could relate to the main character’s overwhelming sense of neediness. She was constantly being rejected by guys, and she was clueless as to why she couldn’t snag one.

I used to be boy crazy. I don’t know when this actually started, but I was pretty little. I recently came across a note I had written in the first grade telling Tim Crane I loved him and asking him to marry me. When I hit puberty, I would try to get boys’ attention by being loud and doing stupid things. During this time, I acquired a camera and started taking pictures of guys that I liked when they weren’t looking. Sometimes they would give me dirty looks because I wasn’t quite as subtle as I thought I was, and they got tired of me stalking them with my camera. I recently read part of my old diary where I wrote this, “I broke up with *Kyle today. I feel bad about that. But now I think I like *Bobby, and I wouldn’t mind getting with *Ryan.” I was so needy that one boy didn’t seem to satisfy. After tenth grade, when one of my boyfriends broke up with me, I stalked him and would just happen to appear different places where I knew he would be. I can tell you, my neediness didn’t draw his heart back to mine…

In college though, I found a guy who enjoyed talking with me for hours on end, and I married him. Jeff and I still talk for hours, and he enjoys it because he loves me and we’ve always been great friends, but there is a limit. We have to eat; we have to sleep; we have to take care of our kids; we can’t talk all the time. It’s just not possible. Jeff’s good at helping me process through the stuff in my head…but sometimes he’s simply not available to do this. And then I feel rejected, but it isn’t because he has rejected me. It’s because I have such neediness, and he can’t meet all my needs. He’s not supposed to.

A while back, as I was wallowing in a sad and lonely time after I had been to a friend’s house, and I had stayed a little too long, it hit me that I can NEVER wear out my welcome with my Abba. He loves me when I’m sad and lonely and needy and ugly and unloveable. I was so excited to realize that He never gets tired of me…no matter what sin or issue I’m struggling with at the time. He actually wants me to come to Him…be with Him…need Him…struggle through my stuff with Him. This gave me great hope because I don’t have to be so needy with people. Abba can handle my neediness…my loneliness…my sadness…my need to be wanted. In fact, He’s in a love affair with me. I John says, “We love Him (only) because He first loved us.”

In Matthew 11, Jesus offers this invitation, “Come to me.” And He’s not asking those who have it all together. He’s actually talking to those who are weary and burdened…the needy ones…the ones who might talk a lot, and He offers us rest. And yet so many times, I still look to other people to meet those needs. No wonder the Rolling Stones wrote the song “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” They were right. We can’t get the satisfaction we long for in other people. It’s not possible. People just cannot satisfy the deep longings we all have…to be affirmed…to be loved unconditionally. And it’s when we realize that and walk in that, it’s at that moment that we can finally hold people loosely.

So, back to the sappy chick flick…I was happy to see the girl get the guy at the end of the movie. But it was only when she released and let go and didn’t expect another person to fill the void was when the right guy came along and got all worked up over her. It made me happy for all of us needy human beings.

Henri Nouwen says in his book Spiritual Direction “If we do not know we are the beloved sons and daughters of God, we’re going to expect someone…to make us feel special and worthy. Ultimately, they cannot.” Nouwen goes on to say that we need to forgive each other for not being God. I’m coming to realize that when we put our hope in other people to provide what they cannot, when we expect them to meet our needs, then we miss seeing Jesus right there willing to meet our deepest longings…our deepest desires.

*names changed to protect the innocent and to not embarrass myself more than I already have

The Princess and the Process

We spent our summer remodeling our kitchen…well, it’s still not done yet, but it’s close. I didn’t actually do much of the work…other than paint the cabinets at the very beginning of the project. I mainly just tried to stay out of the way while my husband and father-in-law did the work. I was doing pretty well until they put the drywall in, and then I thought I would lose my mind. I walked around huffing and sighing and huffing about the drywall dust that covered everything in the downstairs of my house. In the middle of this mess, we started home schooling. Since I’m a single focused girl, a seriously NON-multi-tasker, I had a really, really hard time.

About one-fourth of the way into the process, I had had enough and took the kids and went to stay with my brother and his family in Indiana for a few days and was secretly hoping that when I got back the kitchen would be mostly completed. It wasn’t. I came back and didn’t have a sink for over a week (we ate a lot of burritos, corn dogs, and PBJ’s on paper plates). I threatened Jeff to go stay with someone else while he and his dad continued to work. I think he would have loved for me to go away again…I was just not that nice to live with.

Now, as we’re nearing the end of it all, I’m kind of sad…NOT because it’s almost over, but because I really thought I would be able to handle the inconveniences of remodeling the kitchen better than I did…I really thought that it wasn’t going to be that big of a deal and that I would handle it reasonably well…I kind of pictured myself like one of those tough, enduring pioneer women…HAH! What I did learn about myself is that I’m not a process kind of gal when it comes to home improvement. Next time there’s a remodeling thing, I want to go to Disney World and let other people come in and do it for me. You know, a “move that bus” kind of thing.

25 Not So Random Things About Me

Ok, so this is that “25 random things about me” list that some people on facebook are doing. And even though I’m not much of a bandwagon kind of gal, I thought it might be interesting to write these things down…

1. I don’t have time to do this. I should be in bed or doing something useful like cleaning my house or something.
2. I dislike cleaning.
3. I love to write, but I only discovered this a year ago.
4. I really like the Nashville library loan system. I can get whatever I want sent to me at my little po-dunk Goodlettsville branch. This makes me very happy in a nerdy kinda way.
5. I always like living wherever I am…happens to be Nashville now, and I hope we stay, but I’ve found it’s not really up to me where we are.
6. I like one on one deep conversations…can’t stand small talk…I’ll show you mine if…
7. I find songs for each time in my life or maybe they find me…and I will play them 100 times in a row (drives Jeff, Jesse, and Jake crazy…sometimes Jake won’t ride with me to school because he knows I’m playing the same song.)
8. My favorite ice cream is still chocolate peanut butter ice cream. The summer I spent as a camp counselor in New Hampshire, Mary (my best friend from college) and I tried all of New Hampshire’s chocolate peanut butter ice cream.
9. The last two years have been really hard, and I’ve fallen into my share of pits only to be rescued again and again, but I’ve found that Jesus’ love never fails. So it’s been worth the pain and frustration to grow and truly experience Him.
10. I really like my nose ring. I like to see people’s reaction, especially those who still have issues with stuff like that…lol…yes, Jesus loves me too…even with the nose ring.
11. My kids are digging BIG holes in the back yard (I think it’s almost to the point where a body can fit in some of them), and I find it amusing…I told Jeff he should have built them a sandbox.
12. I love being outdoors, walking up my hill, sitting in my swing, lying in my hammock, watching the things Abba’s created for me to enjoy, talking with friends.
13. I have a streak of white hair that I’ve had since I was 12 due to a sunspot that I got the summer I became a believer…coincidence? maybe.
14. I’ve been listening to the song “Traveling Light” by Joel Hansen and Sara Groves for an hour now.
15. I like laughing. And I also like to be laughed at. You’re automatically my friend if you laugh at my quirkiness.
16. I am very much “out of sight, out of mind.”
17. I don’t plan on ever dyeing my hair…I’m way too cheap, and I know it would just look like a bad bottle of shoe polish with 2 inch gray roots.
18. My whole life up till now, I thought that I was like my dad, only to find out that I’m not at all like him…my dad is probably horrified that I would even compare myself to him, especially with the condition my house is always in…lol
19. I want to enjoy the ride…every day…”The glory of God is man fully alive.”
20. Jeff , Jesse, Jonah, Jake, Julia, and Jeremiah are Abba’s gifts to me…I wish I could remember and appreciate this all the time.
21. I have a lot of fear still, but I’m wrestling with that…His perfect love casts out fear.
22. I sometimes compare myself to trees…there’s one in the middle of a field that is all broken apart, and it reminds me of me. It’s also dead…yeah, so I can go a little too far metaphorically with these things.
23. I love the beach…I think it’s the feeling of freedom and the wide open spaces and sand between my toes and salty water and watching my kids dig large holes….hmmm…this seems to be a pastime with them.
24. “I don’t want to lead and I don’t want to be led”…a description from my newfound personality type that fits me perfectly…when it comes to legalistic kind of junk, I will most certainly not do what I’m told or expected to do…for six years when we lived in Alabama, there was nothing and no one to rebel against…in Nashville, it’s becoming almost non-existent…I’m grateful.
25. I’m really trying to live in the present, not yearn for or mourn the past, and not worry about the future…I’m just not interested in picking up any more stones along the way…wanna travel light from now on.