Institutionally Dependent

I am guilty of relying on institutions to help me make and sustain relationships.

I know this because once the institution has been stripped away, in most cases, I rarely see or hear from those people again and vice versa.

So I have this feeling of “lostness” because not only have I now lost my institution, whether it be church or school or work, but now I’ve misplaced all my friendships related to that institution, and they’ve somehow replaced me as well.

So what do I do to make myself feel better? I try to find another institution, one that will give me structure and programs and ultimately friendships.  It seems like in most cases I can’t do it on my own…make friends, that is.  

I feel better about going to an institution and finding people who are similar to me and might be relatively on the same page than I do imposing myself upon my neighbor next door.

Yesterday, our neighbor’s alarm kept going off, and the police kept showing up. The police eventually knocked on our door and were surprised that we actually know our neighbors and do talk with them.  Not that we’ve had them over for dinner or anything. She gives my kids stuff and routinely gives us vegetables. And we exchange the friendly neighbor wave.

But I’d rather keep my house to myself and save dinners for my institutional friends.

But I have no more institutions left…(I know I’m really starting to sound like a hippie).

So what do I do about friends? How do I “do life” with the people around me?

Maybe I should start with the neighbors next door, and not just the ones I feel really comfortable with.

There’s that word again…comfort…I really don’t like being uncomfortable. And I really don’t like things being awkward.

Maybe my comfort+my fear=my selfishness. Ouch.

Follow Me

When Jeff decided not to finish his doctorate a few years ago, we thought we were leaving education behind. This was scary because being involved in schools is all either of us has ever known. And then Jeff became a principal, and that was a very weird thing because we really thought he was going to become a pastor. But the school, in a weird way, became church to some of the people there. So then we wondered if we made a mistake in not continuing the education route.

When Elisha was plowing in the field, Elijah came up to him and threw his cloak over him. Elisha asked permission to go back and tell his parents goodbye which Elijah granted but told him not to forget what he had just done to him. Elisha didn’t forget, because Elisha took his yoke of oxen that he had been plowing with and killed them and fed his family and then burned up his plowing equipment…the only way of life he had ever known…his way of making a living. He made the dramatic statement…I’m not going back…ever. And then he really couldn’t…he couldn’t turn around and go back when things got tough. There was nothing to go back to.

We’re in that boat now. The school closed, and Jeff hasn’t been able to find another job, and the church thing isn’t coming together…yet. We’ve been completely in limbo for the last 10 months. At times, it feels like we’re on a merry go round, one where the person running it has left and it’s been switched to high speed, and we’re spinning out of control. It’s not fun anymore, and it’s making me dizzy and a little sick to my stomach. And I’m really ready to get off.

Jesus said to his disciples, “Follow Me.” And they left what they knew and followed Him. Immediately. They left fishing nets and tax tables and families and houses. They left not knowing what the next thing was going to be…what was going to be provided for dinner…or where they would sleep that night…or what the next year might hold. Jesus didn’t offer His disciples security…no retirement packages came with His deal. All He offered was His presence and promised that that would be enough. He said it would be hard, and it was.

And then there were the ones Jesus really discouraged from following Him, the ones who said that they wanted to follow Him, but Jesus knew their hearts weren’t really with Him. Some loved money more than Him. Some were more interested in where they were sleeping that night. And some couldn’t let go of their families. And Jesus wanted it all…wanted all of them…wants all of us.

For those who are adventurous, the command “Follow Me” sounds like a cool new adventure, but the last part is what we have trouble with because it says, “he must deny himself and take up his cross daily…” That goes beyond cool new adventure…because following Him means I actually have to die moment by moment to my selfishness and lust and greed…to my ideas of what security looks like and my independence from Him.

Honestly, I have no idea what we’re doing, or where we’re going, and it’s more than a little scary. He just hasn’t let us in on His plan yet. And that is frustrating at times. And I’ve not reacted very well. I’ve felt resentment and self-pity and anger and out of control, and I just want Jeff to be able to get a job so that we’ll be somewhat secure again. But Matthew 10 says, “If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find yourself and me.” Emerson said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
-”If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens

I found this quote a long time ago that says, “I do not understand it, but I just keep trusting my good Shepherd that He will not lead me any place He does not want me to follow.” So, I guess it’s the merry go round for me just as long as He wants it to be…

Jeff’s Christmas Letter 2009

Christmas 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years! Usually Kim writes our Christmas letter, but we thought I could give it a try this year. During our time in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, our hearts were being led from a life in school world to a life in church world. Over a few years, we were becoming more and more eager to plant a new church. And then, oddly enough, in the summer of 2007, the Lord very obviously led us to Nashville to help with a school.

During the two years at Pioneer Christian, we learned a lot, met some wonderful people, and developed a heart for the families in the area. We went through a very difficult situation with a loving and gracious Father and a bunch of terrific people. Although the school closed in May 2009, our time at Pioneer was in many ways a beautiful time in our life as a family. And now for the last few months, we have been laying the groundwork for planting a new church on our side of Nashville. We’re looking forward to seeing what the Father has in store for North Hills Church. Long term, our desire is to encourage and support a growing network of new churches in our area. We’re grateful that the Father has invited us on this adventure, and it’s been encouraging to watch Him provide for us in every way.

We’re home schooling this year, and it’s definitely improved our unity and our conflict management skills. I’m incredibly thankful that I have been able to spend so much time around my family. Jesse is a compassionate, magnetic leader, a champion for the outcast and the forgotten. Jonah is a creative designer who believes firmly that what the world needs is more and better parties. Jake is an artistic lover of nature with tremendous insight into the world around him. Julia is a beautiful package of pure energy. She has the gift of gumption. Jeremiah is all brightness and joy, and he conquers everything around him with smiles and hugs.

Kim amazes me. Everything about her is touched with the grace of authenticity. Her awareness of her Abba’s love can be almost overpowering at times. As for me, I’m still becoming Jeff, becoming more and more grateful, becoming more open and aware.

If you’d like to keep in touch, Kim and I are both on Facebook. Kim writes a blog at
http://lovegracepeace.wordpress.com. I’ll be starting a North Hills Church blog soon. Our emails are darnell.jeff@gmail.com and lovegracepeace@gmail.com.

May you see your self and those around you through the eyes of your Father.

Grace and Peace,
Jeff

Hope Found

It’s been a tough three years. Before we moved to Nashville, Jeff and I walked through a really rough time in our marriage. And then when we moved to Nashville, we walked into a school (Pioneer…see Does Jesus Care About a School? parts 1 and 2) that was in the process of a slow death and was so full of legalism that we felt like we’d been shot back in time about 10 years. Then, after all the good but difficult changes that Jeff made in the first year at Pioneer, we walked into the second year there, and because of the recession we didn’t have enough students. So every month, we didn’t know how the teachers and the bills were going to be paid. We tried many different ways to keep the school open and spent hours praying for a miracle. I found myself often putting my hope in some mystery person who was going to walk in and save the day and the school, and it didn’t happen. But in the middle of it all, Abba kept telling me that He is a God of hope, no matter what happened. And even though the school ended up closing, I began to really believe that He truly is my Hope no matter what happens with schools and situations and people.

But this summer I struggled with a lot of different things…I grieved about Pioneer closing. And I worried about what we would do about school for our children (we are currently home schooling) and then I worried about how we were going to be able to survive financially.

At one point, I became angry and fearful because I was hoping my life would be more secure…more comfortable…enough money to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to have to trust every day that He would provide. I didn’t want to have to even think about it. I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to and not really depend on Abba moment by moment.

I remember hearing the story about George Mueller, who ran an orphanage, and how they would sit down to breakfast, and there would be nothing to eat, and they would pray and thank God for the food that He was going to provide, and then a milk truck would break down on the street in front of their door. This kind of crazy stuff happened a lot for them. They rarely seemed to have what they needed before they needed it. They always got enough right when the need arose. And that made me frustrated that we might have to live that way. I was fearful that my family might not have enough.

But in the middle of all this fear, Abba brought the verse to mind in I Timothy that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Fear always seems to push the other three out…the power, the love and the sound mind…they just seem to vanish because fear paralyzes us. No wonder “Do Not Fear” is the most often repeated command in the Bible.

I really wrestled with this. At one point, I’m not even really sure when, I threw up my hands and finally accepted whatever it was He had for me and my family. There are still fearful days, but I’m learning to hold my hands palms up and receive what comes from Him. I am learning to trust…not in my ability to be frugal, not in a job, not in my husband, not in a school, not in the church…just Him.

So here’s our modern day George Mueller story…a few months ago, one of the Nashville transit buses bumped into the back of our van while Jeff was sitting at a red light. Thankfully, Jeff wasn’t hurt at all. It messed up our bumper a little more than it already was (it already had a dent in it) but did very minimal damage. So, right when our need arose, we got a check in the mail with Jeff’s name on it. The Nashville transit bus just turned out to be one of our crazy milk trucks.

So, Jeff and I are in the middle of doing a church plant in North Nashville. Jeff has a pastor’s heart, but Jeff and I are not church planters…This is one of those weird God-things. The desire to unearth this community called North Hills Church is totally from Him. And then I ran across this a few weeks ago…

Go the lost and confused people right here in the neighborhood.
Tell them that the kingdom is here…Don’t think you have to put
on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don’t need a
lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to
keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light. (Matthew 10)

Some days these verses feel totally overwhelming and insane. But Isaiah 43 says, “when you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end-”

Everything always comes back to Him…Jesus was sent so that we could have hope…not in money, not in jobs, not in situations, not in people, not in schools, not in churches…He came so that He could BE our Hope.

Does Jesus Care About a School? (Part 2)

Pioneer Christian Academy (see Does Jesus Care About a School?) is closing at the end of this school year. After being open for 39 years, it’s over. It’s the school my husband graduated from, and the school he’s been the headmaster of for the last two years. It’s where my own children have felt at home and have made good friends, and it’s the school I now work at due to default (the 5th grade teacher quitting in early December).

But Pioneer’s closing is a done deal. We prayed for God’s will, and this is it. Sometimes, it’s hard to see the greater good in it all, but I know that Abba is in control, He loves each one of us, and He is good. So this is good, even though at times it doesn’t feel like it. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy because it hasn’t. In fact, it’s been downright hard and ugly at times. And there are times when I just want to bang my head against the wall in frustration…frustration that there’s nothing anyone can do about all this…

It’s been painful having to watch my co-workers, who have become my friends try to find other jobs when there’s a shortage of teaching jobs and to watch my students be sad about not seeing each other anymore. This has been the school where some of them have been since kindergarten…It’s not easy for them to walk away and have to find another school and new friends where they might not feel as loved and accepted. There’s just a lot of uncertainty and instability for everyone right now. We, too, have no idea what the next thing is for our family either. But I’m clinging to the fact that Abba is still in all this…and some moments that’s all I’ve got.

A couple months ago, Jeff and I both woke up mad…angry that we had to deal with all the stuff that’s involved in a school closing. There are so many emotions…just wanting to be done with it all and then just wanting to hang on just a little while longer but then in the very next breath just wanting it to be over already…it makes me crazy at times.

But on this particular morning, Jeff and I went around and around about how difficult this has been. I went from trying to be supportive to wanting to chuck my hairdryer across the room (not at him, just against the wall, and I really wasn’t angry at him…I was just frustrated about the seemingly stupid situation I’m in.) And then I proceeded to tell Jeff, “I quit. I cannot deal with this any longer.” I put my jeans on and threw myself down on the bed. Jeff told me that I couldn’t abandon my students and started listing off the names of the kids in my class…I thought that his calling out the names of the kids in my class was a pretty low-down dirty trick, but it worked because I began picturing their faces…those kids who have been through so much in the last couple of years…such legalism and then such freedom… and now the loss of a place where they finally feel loved and accepted…and that some see as a haven.

After my temper tantrum, I agreed to go back to school but was still very much struggling to get a grip. After Jeff left our bedroom, I began to cry. I stood at the ironing board in my room and cried to Abba, sobbing out loud, “I can’t hear you anymore. I just can’t hear you over there, at that place.” And He said to me very, very clearly, “Take care of My sheep.”

So I finished getting ready and went in to school and did as I was told. I took care of His sheep for one more day. And that’s what I’ve been doing. But some days are just really hard…I can’t help but feel like we’re on our own version of the Titanic…one that’s been in the process of sinking for a long, long time. Most days, Jeff prefers to see Pioneer closing as a launching pad…where each one of us is being launched off in a different direction…to other places to be the hands and feet of Jesus to other people. And that’s a great way to look at it, but most days it still really feels like the Titanic to me.

I guess one of the hard things is that there have been some who have already left…parents, students, staff…, and it feels sometimes like those who have left have taken the lifeboats and the lifejackets and have left us to keep pitching water at the bottom of the ship, which is pretty hopeless at this point, and everyone knows it.

As some have left and said their goodbyes, I have had the crazy urge to cling to their legs like a little kid who won’t let go of his mom, the kid whose arms have to be pried from around her legs. I can sometimes picture myself as that little kid, wailing, “Please don’t go. Please don’t leave us. It’s not fair.” But on the other hand, I feel a little giddy for them because they got out…they got out in one piece, and I may not…well, at least it feels that way at times.

And I know it’s what Abba wants them to do, but I still can’t help but feel gut-punched at times…abandoned even. But this is what I’m supposed to do…It’s what I’ve been clearly told to do…”Take care of His sheep”…so that’s it …that’s all I can do. And I look around at the faces in my class, and I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. I have to see this thing through…finish it out. A friend of ours says that sometimes it’s necessary to “hold the hand of a dying ministry.” So, I guess in essence that’s what we’re all really doing.

As I was lamenting to a friend about being in the bottom of the Titanic bailing water, she said, “Oh no, you’re not bailing water…you’re the musicians…you’re playing the music.” So, for those of us who are left, for those who have stayed on board…we’re the musicians, playing the music as the ship goes down…making sure everyone doesn’t panic…helping quiet the terror that rages within when change happens…playing the music that lifts the soul and takes a person beyond what their present circumstances are…helping everyone see the beauty around them…helping everyone hear the voice of God…”Peace…Peace be to you.”

Finding Strength in Weakness

 
In the Bible, Paul asked three times for a certain affliction to be taken away, to which Jesus responded, “My grace is enough, because my strength is perfected in your weakness.” In a way I think He was saying, “Hey buddy, you’re going to be weak because I want to be your strength.” That’s what He’s been saying to me lately anyway. But being weak is hard…it’s admitting self-defeat, which I’m pretty sure Jesus is in favor of me doing. When I’m forced to be weak, there are only two choices, as I see it…to kick and scream and try to claw my way to independence and miss seeing all that Abba is doing in the middle of it…or to accept my weakness as a gift, knowing that Abba is working some greater good, scraping off a little more of the gunk of life, more of the selfishness, more of the greed that’s become encrusted over my true self…the person Jesus is in the process of making.

Last semester, I had a life of relative ease. Well, as much ease as a person who has 5 children can have. I had ten hours a week all to myself, to do whatever I wanted while all the kids were at school and Jeremiah was at preschool. But all that changed right after Thanksgiving. Jeff had a teacher quit, the one I had been subbing for every Wednesday morning. So I stepped into the 5^th grade position two weeks before Christmas break. I should have known back in October that I was in for something when I was in the class picture, which seemed very odd to me at the time, but Abba’s sense of humor and foreshadowing is always really funny to me. I love my students, and I love the people I work with, and I have a serious crush on my boss Jeff. My son Jonah is in my class as well as my nephew Eli. But, honestly, working full-time was kicking my butt with our family of seven. Many nights, I came home and went to bed with Julia and Jeremiah around 8, never to get back up again until the following morning. But I knew that that was what Abba had called me to do, and somehow he was giving me the strength to do it.

A couple weeks after Christmas break was over, there was a situation at school where we felt Abba was leading us to provide a temporary home for a couple of the boys in the school which was, I might add, way, way beyond our comfort zone as a family.  And not only that, but one of these children has diabetes, which requires counting carbs and giving shots after each meal. Honestly, for two weeks, I cried every day I was so overwhelmed with all the stuff that had to be done. I’m such a low maintenance person that this was way beyond me and my capacity to cope. The funny thing is that I would usually start crying out of frustration and selfishness and just general pity-party kind of junk, but my cries ended up as a sacrifice, in a sense, that I offered up to Abba each day, throwing my hands up, admitting my weakness and begging for His strength. And in the process I found Him unbelievably strong. One day, He told me, “Get on your knees now.” I refused for a little while, trying so hard to hang on to my own strength, but when I finally gave in, I dropped to my knees and my junk erupted out of me, like a volcano spewing lava. And then there was a calm again, because I had once again been emptied of myself.

The phrase “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle” makes me guffaw and almost fall in the floor because I’m laughing so hard. I mean, who came up with that anyway? Apparently that person was either delusional or lying. Why wouldn’t Abba give us more than we can handle? If He never gives me more than I can handle, then that makes whatever I am given in life do-able. So, then, who really needs Jesus anyway?

I’m hear to say that God gives us way more than we can handle and then some, and then sometimes, gives some more. But Abba keeps reminding me that this is not a time to endure but rather a time to embrace and to love…love the people and the life I’ve been given…even on those mornings when I think, “I really don’t want to do this today…any of it.” But admitting it, embracing Him, and moving on in His strength is when I realize He’s right there walking this path with me. He created it for me. Two weeks ago, the day the two boys came to live with us, I was driving Jonah to choir practice, and in front of me there was a car with a license plate that said, “Unity 9.” For me, Abba couldn’t have been any more lovingly clearer.

“To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And He’s holding out His hand…”

She Didn’t Even Hesitate

 

As I was driving home tonight after hanging out with some friends, I was thinking about how the last year and a half has been a struggle in so many ways. I’ve wrestled with Abba through my various issues, but He is giving me victory in areas that I never thought possible. It’s Him…it’s all Him. More than ever before, the frantic prayers I’ve cried out again and again over the last year have been “Help me, help me, help me.” 

 

But late tonight, as I drove to the top of my hill in the rain and saw the lights of Nashville, my prayer changed to “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for stripping away everything that was comfortable. Thank you for lovingly placing me in this city, even though I’m still struggling to figure out how the interstates intersect with each other. Thank you for the struggles. But thank you most of all for letting me see You.”

 

Right now, Jeff and I are in the middle of what a lot of people think is a horrible mess with our work/school situation, because as so many non-profits are struggling financially, so is Pioneer (see “Does Jesus Care About a School?”), but I’m beginning to see the sun shining through the clouds in small rays…rays that stream all the way from the sky down to the earth, the way I imagine it will be when Jesus comes back to take His own away to be with Him forever. And that gives me hope, not hope in a school or in a church or in someone giving a large amount of money but a renewed hope in Christ, that He is with us in the middle of this “wonderful mess” and that He is at work but maybe not in the way that we think, and that that’s ok too.

 

Lately, I’ve been smacked in the face with how comfortable I want my life to be…And convicted that I get so easily agitated when things don’t go the way I think they should. I don’t think Jesus called me to live a comfortable life. Which brings me to Mary…Because her life was anything but comfortable. I’ve been rather in awe of her lately. Not worship, of course, just awe.

 

In one short meeting with the angel Gabriel, Mary was told that she, who had kept herself from having sex before marriage, was going to have a baby. And her only question was, “But how? I’ve never slept with a man.” 

 

Denise Levertov says it best when she writes this about Mary,

 

                       “She did not cry, ‘I cannot, I am not worthy,’

                                                               Nor, ‘I have not the strength.’

                        She did not submit with gritted teeth,

                                                               Raging, coerced.

                         Bravest of all humans,

                                                     Consent illumined her.”

 

 

As Anne Lamott says, “This is so, so not me.”

 

Mary clearly didn’t have the victim status that I drag along behind me in a rather large suitcase and am ready to open and share every opportunity I get. Mary did not rage and fling things across the room and worry about how everyone would think she’d already had sex. She didn’t seem to worry that there would be those women whispering behind her back. She also didn’t seem to worry that Joseph would be angry and would think she’d been fooling around on him. As a young teenage, Jewish peasant girl, the repercussions of being pregnant out of wedlock were huge.

 

I think if it had been me, I might have asked for a few days to think about it and throw out a few fleeces, just to make sure this whole pregnancy thing was actually God’s will. But, no, Mary immediately responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said.”  And God graced her with Himself, because that’s what He does. And somehow, Mary saw beyond her confusion and her fear and realized how blessed she would be to carry her own Savior…Consent truly illumined her.

 

Many times, I think we have this unrealistic view of Jesus’ birth, and we sing pretty little songs about how the “Virgin Mary had a Baby Boy.”  I’ve been listening a lot to Andrew Peterson’s CD “Behold the Lamb of God.” On it is a song entitled, “Labor of Love.” The song is a vivid picture of Mary giving birth. It’s not the cleaned up version of Mary having baby Jesus, but a rather authentic one, where there is pain and blood and neediness…but there is also God. 

 

So, this Christmas season, as we celebrate Jesus’ birth, I’m also thanking Abba for that teenage girl and her brave response to an angel over 2,000 years ago, to give birth to Emmanuel…God with us…He really is here. 

 

 

 

Are They Worth It?

These are all of Pioneer Christian Academy’s Upper School students. This video was taken the first week of school while the students were on their retreat. 

Pioneer is really all about the kids…and I believe that teachers, parents, and students would say, “This is home, Now I’m finally where I belong.”

But we need a miracle…

We need help…prayer, students, support.

 PCA video

www.pioneerchristianacademy.org

Does Jesus Care About A School?

When we moved from Alabama to Nashville last year, Jeff came to be the principal of Pioneer Christian Academy, the school he graduated from 20 years ago. Jeff never imagined being a principal of a school, and I certainly never imagined being married to a principal. But we knew that this is where Abba was sending us, and we saw Him part the Red Sea to get us here.

Pioneer is a school that has been around for 40 years on the Northside of Nashville near Goodlettsville, but not many in the community seem to know about it, and it’s a miracle if you can even find it. If you happen to stumble across it, it is one of those weird God-things, and funny thing is, there have been quite a few of those in the last year…I see Abba’s hand all over this place.

Pioneer’s legacy has been one of legalism all wrapped up in fear, from the sign in the principal’s office that said, “Be sure your sin will find you out,” to the faculty and students walking around on eggshells, fearful that they were going to cross over some very real imaginary line. The fear and condemnation have been thick, so much so that some alumni and former students refuse to even step foot on campus because they cannot stand what the school used to represent for them.

The school has really struggled and has been more or less coasting for the last 10 years. It’s hard to run a school in neutral. So Pioneer needed a jump start, and Jeff was coming to literally shift it out of neutral and turn it in another direction.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have a hard time dealing with change, and some people seem to like neutral. Some would rather have something stay unhealthy than to be a part of growth and change…change is very uncomfortable for me as well, but I’m learning it is a necessary part of being alive…otherwise life is lived in an unhealthy coma-like state.

And Pioneer is no exception. It has to grow and change, and Jeff sees a vision for it to be other than it is. So, Jeff talked about his vision for the school, but, instead of the school growing, it actually decreased in attendance. But the ones who left, teachers and students alike needed to go…no hard feelings or anything…just going a different direction.

Pioneer is a school that’s quickly growing a heart, among other things and only those who can see past surface things, like old carpet and Pepto-Bismol pink walls, will truly get it. But for those that do, it’s like an unexpected gift…it’s actually becoming a place where the students want to be, and that in itself says a whole lot.

This year, there are teachers teaching at the school because Abba brought them…that’s all there is to it. I look around and think, why in the world are these amazing people here? But maybe this thing is bigger than a school…maybe it’s about seeing Christ in each other, about embracing our diversity, and loving each other in the process.

But right now at Pioneer, finances are a serious issue, due to the lack of students. My faith is big in some areas, but finances have always thrown me for a loop. I have fear and doubt all mixed in with questioning whether Abba can really provide for a school or even if He wants to. So I’ve been asking the question does Jesus care about a small school on the Northside of Nashville?

I was at a Moms in Touch group the other morning where we pray for our school, the faculty, and our kids. And one of the other moms really believes that Abba is going to provide for the needs of the school. I told her that I had my doubts, and I asked her if she thought her faith was big enough for the both of us. She told me it takes the faith of a mustard seed, and I think that’s about all I’ve got right now…

I know it’s often thought tacky to talk about money…maybe it is…maybe it isn’t. But I don’t think Jesus thought it was, because He says, “Ask and it will be given to you.” And I tend to think this phrase also includes money or students or whatever the need is…I have a hard time asking for things…I hate it, really…I grew up thinking that asking for stuff was presumptuous, but clearly, that is my own issue… 

So, Jesus, I’m asking. I’m asking that a school that cannot get enough of You these days is able to remain open. I’m asking that You provide the money or the students or both so that these adults and little ones alike can see You, can experience Your power, can feel Your presence move and are mindful that You are the One doing it. Provide the daily bread or part the Jordan River…we’re like the Israelites standing on the shore in the middle of flooding season and see no way to cross on our own. Our strategizing and our planning are all in vain if You’re not in it. But I see You, and I know that You can provide what is necessary if this is Your will. I am already grateful for what You have done in us and through us and in our midst. Help us see You and experience You in a way that a school never has before. Help us be a light in our community that points people to You, Abba, because knowing You and experiencing You are what it’s all about, and the school is just a small part of it. But I’m here, and I’m asking because we need You more than anything…

I got one of those e-mail cards for my birthday, and at the end of the card, Eph 3:20 came across the screen…”God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine.” So, right now, in the middle of all my fear and all my doubt, I’m praying and hoping that Abba will provide the miracle that will keep the school’s doors open, that He will do the “far more than we can imagine.”

And, yes, I still have my doubts because humanly speaking it looks bad. But I know this for sure that Abba is bigger than my fear, bigger than my doubts, and really it’s not about me anyway…my faith or lack of faith. But I have a feeling that whatever happens, it’s going to be one of those things that when I finally see what’s really going on, I’m either going to be falling on my face in gratitude or dancing till my head pops off…

“Word of God speak,
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty.
To be still and know
That you’re in this place…
Word of God speak.”

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