Hands Wide Open

I’ve been gone. Away. Not Here. Please Do Not Disturb.

I had lapses of faith this winter. I had questions of “Why are we in this situation?” and “Where is God in all of this?”.  Questions that I know other people contemplate but maybe don’t admit to others. Perhaps not even to themselves. I tried desperately to get over it, to mask my restlessness by reading one more book, watching one more movie, walking one more mile. It didn’t work.

In this process of my restless questioning, I hit the pause button on faith, hope, and love. I became kind of a hermit, did not want to see all that many people, realized that I didn’t really have all that much to offer anyone (not that anyone was expecting anything out of me).  But who wants to be around someone whose cup is empty most of the time? And all I had was resentment and bitterness. About a lot of things.

My downward spiral began when I started focusing on things that were beyond my control. But the lie was that I could control them. The enemy is sneaky in that way. I believed that I could make my own way and do my own thing and be okay, be better actually.  I soon lost hope and began to despair. Faith and love quickly fled out the back door as well. And some might question if they were really true in the first place if they can leave so easily. Maybe. Maybe not. I just know I was dry and brittle inside. And when I wasn’t angry, I was numb.

I don’t know what triggered release from all of that. If there is one moment or many moments of realization that draw a person back to God, to reality.  Or if my fingers had to be pried open from the idea of control I had grasped onto. I just know a few things happened to me lately that made me gaze up instead of in.

I recently saw an old friend. And she looked so beautiful…and I realized I wanted what she had. I could see it in her eyes. I could hear it in her story. And it’s what I’d been missing but had so desperately needed. And it’s something no medication of any kind will ever bring. Peace…The kind that goes beyond human comprehension…The kind that when the situation looks its darkest, there is still that. And, I realize  it’s not something I can strive for or buy or grasp at. It’s something I receive when everything else falls away. When hands are held up, not in despair, but in gratitude and release.

A while back, Jeff couldn’t sleep one night, and he felt like the Holy Spirit was giving him a word for me and for each of our children…the things that we needed. And the word for me was, “IT will be there.” At the time, I assumed that the IT was money, because that always seemed to be the most pressing need, the thing that I worried about the most, and for some reason, I always seemed to think that money would solve the problem and be the answer, even though I never would say that out loud. Convinced that money was the IT that the Holy Spirit was talking about, I was confused and resentful when the money wasn’t always there when we needed it.

But money wasn’t the IT at all. I didn’t realize that until a good deal later that the IT was peace. “Peace will be there.” And that no matter what happened to me or my family or my friends or my belongings, now or in the future, peace can always be there.

For me, peace is like letting go and twirling in a field on a sunny day with wildflowers all about, face looking up to a cloudless sky with hands and arms that are held out that go higher and higher and become lighter and lighter until I feel like I could touch the face of Abba. And laughter, of course…wild, silly, hopeful laughter.

the fake lay-down

I didn’t mean to lay them down, only to take them up again. That certainly wasn’t my intention. And I honestly thought I laid them down. I thought they gone for good…lack of trust, fear, anger, blame.

For some reason, they seem to vanish when my circumstances change and things don’t look quite so grim, when the bills are paid and there’s money in the bank and groceries in the fridge.  I’m overwhelmed when God provides and applaud Him for His amazing miraculous provision, but what happens right before the provision comes? When the bills aren’t paid and there’s no provision in sight? Then things get a little desperate, and I go a little nuts with worry and fear, and the things I thought I laid down are staring me right in the face again.

The fear and the doubt take over, and everything in me screams for relief, praying like crazy that He would provide once again, even though I’ve seen Him provide again and again. And begging Him for my circumstances to change. But if they did, I know I wouldn’t need Him quite so desperately anymore. So I’m still here, circling around again, and the same stuff is being revealed. Big surprise.

I look at the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness year after year after year, and they didn’t get it either. And I know I wouldn’t have been any better; I haven’t been any better.

They were people in dire circumstances…out in the desert for three days with no water. They complained. Of course they did. I would have thought I was dying.

Then, the Israelites didn’t have food. I can imagine their little ones with their parched mouths and hungry stomachs and their cries of “Give us food before we die.” They complained and blamed Moses. And I complain because I have to eat the same food.

They constantly begged to go back to Egypt, where they built things up as being better than they were. This too sounds familiar.

I’ve had my 40 years in the desert, and I don’t want to keep wandering around here for another 40. This time, I really, honestly want to lay this stuff down. I don’t want to continue this pattern of circling around and around, while I try to learn the same lessons over and over again.

I want to be different. I want to trust and look above my circumstances at Him, knowing He is the Giver of all good things, including circumstances that make us grow and change. And yet, sometimes, my eyes just fall back to my circumstances and my need only. And I become fearful and angry and start pointing fingers because things aren’t different, like I think they should be.

I’m officially eliminating the word “should” from my vocabulary. Because unfortunately it has taken on a life of its own. I have used “should” to put expectations on God and other people for what they “should” have done for me. And “should” was never good when I used it for myself either, as in I “should” have done this or that…heaping on guilt and shame.

So with “should” gone, I feel freedom from my past as well as lowered expectations (let’s be honest, they probably haven’t completely vanished with a speech change). But maybe this time, I will lay these things down, and I will have victory.

I want to do it better this time. And if I have to continue to wander here, I want to wander better. I want to complain less and not be so stinking fearful but to hope in Him, not for what He can provide but because of Who He is.

What Got Into You?

At times, I feel like I’m just like Peter who was so quick to jump out of the boat to walk to Jesus in the middle of the storm, only to take his eyes off Him and begin to notice the wind blowing hard around him. And then, I too, look down and notice the waves churning around my feet, and I realize I’m not safe. I’ve left safety behind in following Him, and now that I’m out of the boat, what in the world do I do? 

Doubts about His goodness creep in and overwhelm me, and I begin flailing my arms and fighting against Him in an attempt to save myself. And I begin to sink lower and lower in worry and self-pity and discontent. And the little girl inside me is throwing things…and more flailing occurs.

“Master, save me.” That’s what Peter said. And I too say that, but what I really mean is “Get me out of this stinking mess.”

But Jesus, what did He do for Peter? What does he even now do for me?

He didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, what got into you?”

Pride. Arrogance. Doubt. Fear. Anger.

And I realize I don’t want to necessarily be emptied of myself…die daily to self…to really be rescued, but what I want is relief from the struggles I find myself in. I need a breather…I want to be able to relax and have things the way I want them for a while and life not be such a struggle.

But as I wrestle through all of this,  Jesus reminds me that this training I’m in is not in vain…that I’m in the same race that Jesus was in.

Fix your eyes on Jesus, who endured the cross, shame, etc…When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again…So don’t feel sorry for yourselves...This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training. God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. Watch out for the Esau syndrome; trading away God’s lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. (parts of Hebrews 12, MSG)

And so, I stop flailing long enough to really say “Master, save me.” In those three words, I finally admit my own weakness and my need for Him and Him alone and submit to Him in trusting- obedience.

When I look at what Jesus went through for me, it’s hard to feel sorry for myself, but in His kindness He doesn’t beat me over the head with it, He gently reminds me to focus on Him and not grow weary and lose heart.

Hungry and Thirsty

For a long time, I never really understood the Bible. I grew up memorizing verses to earn ribbons and trophies that have long since been thrown in the trash. My motivation for learning Scripture was not out of love for God and His Word but was only for my own recognition and my desire to be the best. The trophies and recognition I received only served to fuel my pride, not create in me a hunger for God. I’m thankful, however, for the parts of the Bible I memorized, because even though my motivation was wrong, Abba uses all for His glory. Many of those verses that I didn’t really understand at the time now come back to me when I have needed them most. Nothing is wasted.

For me, reading the Bible was often done out of the same motivation as memorizing. Since I couldn’t really be recognized in the same way I could with memorization, I pretended I read the Bible more than I really did.  I did it for man’s approval. I also did it out of fear because I felt like I might be punished by God if I didn’t do it, so it was done in order to make God “good” with me.

By His grace, I don’t look at any of it that way anymore. Jesus made me good with God because of what He did on the cross for me…for all of us. I realize that God’s Word is about Him and what He’s done for us and what He wants to do through us. It’s about relationship and life and love. For those reasons and seeing Abba at work in me, I find myself hungering for Him and for His Word as well.

And not only are we blessed to have God’s Words, but we have the Holy Spirit within us to help us understand the Word of God, but too often we find Scripture boring, which we only secretly admit to ourselves, or we find it not easily understandable. So I found that I would rather go to books that explain about the Bible and the walk with Christ, rather than really living it myself.

I’m not a Bible thumper, and I don’t use the Bible as a weapon, at least not as a weapon against man, not anymore. I often think about people who live in countries who don’t have access to the Bible and what they would give to have one of their own to read and how fortunate we are to have the Words of God at our fingertips. When I watched the movie The Book of Eli, I was drawn to the fact of how the character Eli treated the Word of God. He desperately consumed it each night before he would sleep, which ended up serving a great purpose.

I know I have often only run to God and His Word when I’m in serious need. And then, when life is no longer spinning out of my control, I return God and my Bible to their designated shelf.

But the funny thing is that Abba has kept my life spinning out of my control for over 4 years now, so I have had no choice but to run to Him and remain there and have found rest in the process. I recently admitted to myself and God that I don’t want the times of testing and trials to stop until I know Abba so well that I can’t and won’t go back to the way my life was before I really began the  process of knowing and resting in Him.

For me, I no longer use the Bible to gain knowledge so I can sound like I know what I’m talking about, but because I want to know Him better.  Scripture is truth and it points us to the Truth. How can I not run to it because in it are the words of life to draw me into relationship with God Himself?

Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.  (2 Tim. 3:16-17, MSG)

This isn’t a post to make anyone (including myself) feel guilty or better about themselves because of reading the Bible or not reading the Bible. We shouldn’t try to do better.  Because then all we have is striving in our own flesh, which means nothing.  Our lives are all about the relationship with Christ…hands wide open to receive what He has for us. I want to say with all of my heart, “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you.”

The Real Super Power

It’s the middle of the night, and I really should be sleeping now.  My lack of sleep will cost me dearly. But right now, I don’t care. The little girl inside me can’t stop jumping up and down because of Jesus. If the almost forty year old woman that houses the little girl attempts to jump and keep up, she might sprain an ankle, so writing is where it now manifests itself. (But, please by all means, continue to picture the little girl jumping and twirling because that’s what I’m really doing in my spirit).

Remembering and sharing…that’s what I’ve been doing the last few days. We have a sort of family reunion/Kuzin Kamp for the kids, and the unique thing about Jeff’s extended family is that many profess to be believers, which is an amazing thing. I realize what  a gift this is when I talk to friends who have very little family who are believers. So we get to share for three days about what God’s been doing in our lives for the last year.

But along with this remembering and sharing, Abba has revealed a couple things to me in the past few days. First, that I like to surround myself with people who are similar to me and have the same faith I do. (that’s why church can be such a crutch for me…I feel important there, and it’s not supposed to be about me; it’s supposed to be about Him) I get my “God talk” there and feel no real need beyond that to share anywhere else . Second, that I have a hard time reaching out to people who are not believers because of my fear of rejection and not wanting to be presumptuous. And the combination of those two things has left me paralyzed.  I don’t want to presume on people’s time, and I can’t face them anyway because of the lies I’ve believed about myself. Sadly, it has left me voiceless to those who need Christ so badly.

 I recently read the fiction book, A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers, which took place in Roman times, but applies a great deal to how we live here and now.

We must remember we are not called upon by God to make society a better place to live. We are not called upon to gain political influence, nor to preserve the Roman [American]way of life. God has called us to a higher mission, that of bringing to all mankind the Good News that our Redeemer has come…” (341)

Honestly, I have done very little of this. I have this Message of freedom, and I see so many around me in bondage, and I’ve failed to attach myself in relationships and tell of this freedom in Christ. However, I don’t look at myself with condemnation or judgment or shame or strive in my own flesh to knock down people’s doors and become the neighborhood menace, because that’s not done in relationship. It’s not about guilt or fear or shame or about doing better. It’s not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength that God gives that allows you to endure the unendurable. (Col. 1) It’s about listening and following Him and where He leads. It’s allowing people to look into our lives and the Spirit revealing Jesus’ power to heal and save.

Thankfully, God looks at me and sees Jesus and His righteousness. I am worthy because He makes me worthy.Which makes my spirit leap inside me (hence the jumping up and down/writing) Which, in turn, makes me want to know Him better. I’ve seen His power in my own life…power to free me from pits that I had no hope of ever getting out of in my own strength, power to love people I had no power to love, power to provide when there was nothing, and I’ve barely scratched the surface.  But when people begin to see His power and His love and not just Jesus talk (although that certainly has its place) but actual living proof of who Jesus is and what He can do in people’s lives, then that not only becomes worth living for but also worth dying for.

God’s Way is not a matter of mere talk; it’s an empowered life. (I Cor. 4:18, MSG)

seeing past the bedroll

Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath, a man who had been crippled for 38 years. This man had been waiting by the pool at Bethesda for the angel to heal him. But he had no one to put him into the water. So he waited, alone.

Jesus passed by one day and told the crippled man, “Pick up your mat and start walking.” And he did.

Some of the Jews happened to see this healed man walking around with his bedroll on the Sabbath. And they scolded him because he wasn’t following  the lengthy list of rules that they had concocted of what could and couldn’t be done on the Sabbath (ie. not carrying your bedroll around).

They weren’t happy that this man, who had suffered his whole life, could now walk. They didn’t care that this man had been waiting at the pool alone.  They were only interested in everyone following their rules and their agendas because, in their minds, that’s what made them and everyone else good with God, or at the very least, good with them.

So they looked past the healing that had taken place in this man and saw only the bedroll that he was carrying around and the rules he was breaking.

And this is what Jesus says to them, “You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life…But I know that you do not have the love of God within you.”

Jesus knew that they didn’t really know God because of their lack of love…their lack of care for those around them.

But I realize that seeing only the bedroll,  isn’t just about religious rules that  people try to inflict on each other, it’s about a lack of compassion that encompasses a whole host of things, such as my own need to be right which leads me to compare myself with others and ends in a judgmental, critical spirit that pervades everything at times.

Isn’t everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what’s the point of all this comparing and competing?   (I Cor. 4, MSG)

In the Gospels, when Jesus saw the people around Him,  He was often ”moved with compassion.” He realized they were sheep without a shepherd…broken, lonely and desperate for His healing touch.

Jesus understood people’s hearts and motives and loved them, and His love changed them. It still does. 

For me, seeing past the bedroll is about compassion…loving the people around me right where they are, not trying to fix them or change them or judge them. And realizing, too, that they are gifts Abba has so generously given me.

recalculating

A couple Christmases ago, Jeff got me a GPS. I think it was one of the best gifts ever for me. I am directionally challenged, and I lack map skills, and driving around Nashville in traffic with Google maps was just not safe for me and anyone driving near me.

I have to admit, I’m a little nuts about my GPS. So, Jeff and Jesse recently messed with it. On purpose. Each time I got into the van, they had changed something on it. I’m a little slow…But when the GPS woman started speaking in Mandarin Chinese,  I finally figured out that the buttons hadn’t been pushed accidentally.

They thought this was funny and were secretly laughing behind my back. For days.

It seems, though, that following directions is not my strong suit either. When the GPS woman says, “Turn now,” I sometimes don’t, and when she announces the street names, I still miss them.  So my favorite feature is when she says, “Recalculating…recalculating…recalculating. ” It could just be me, but after a while, she almost seems a little angry that she has to say it so often.

Abba has a way of recalculating life for us too. We set out on a plan, the way we think our lives should go. And then He steps in and messes up our well laid-out plans, and some of us secretly think to ourselves, “How dare He.”

Our family has been in the process of having our lives recalculated for a while now, and at times it’s painful and scary, and it often looks a little absurd. Some days I’m up for it, and some days I just want to go my own way… live a life of comfort and safety…a life that doesn’t require too much of me or out of me. 

And then I look at Scripture, and I look at the life that Jesus led and realize I don’t have that option. Not really.

When the people came out to see John the Baptist in the wilderness, he shocked them by calling them “Brood of snakes.” Because John knew their hearts and their motives, and he knew they were coming only for the show everyone was talking about. John told them that their lives must change. Their response to his name calling, “What should we do?” He said,”If you have two coats give one away;  do the same with your food.”

Really? That’s it? That’s the changed life that John was talking about?

I read Scripture, and all of a sudden I see it all over the place. This is real love in action….no longer just words. It’s hearing the Word and doing it. And it has to encompass everyday life.

The early church got it. And people noticed. Because the thing that set the early church apart was their shared life.  They shared their food; they shared their possessions; they shared their lives. And their shared lives and love for each other amazed the people around them.

But people can share life, and there still be no real life in it. So there had to be more. The real difference in their lives? Jesus.  They weren’t just talking about Jesus; they were following Jesus and listening to the Holy Spirit and what He told them to do. 

The early church realized that the kingdom and kingdom living were more important than anything else. And the people around them came to Jesus by the thousands.

As I look at my life, I wonder if others see Jesus even a little bit or am I busy only talking about Him? Do they see love and real life and not just another person grabbing for what she thinks will make her happy? So, this brings me to a recalculation of what is important and what I’m realizing is not.

Take care of My sheep. That’s what Jesus told Peter. I think it’s as simple as that.

I’m called to this life of love. And it’s not the love that syrupy songs are written about. It’s a life of sacrifice, of inconvenience, of risk, of insecurity, of suffering, of waiting, of hands wide open…of receiving but also of letting go, of contentment, of gratefulness in everything. It’s the Jesus life and settling for anything less will always come up short.

“If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.  (Matthew 10)

anything but good?

I cannot imagine what the Jesus followers felt at this point all those years ago…devastated, hopeless, filled with fear.

Their Teacher, the Savior of the world died and left them alone. He promised them life, and He Himself died, and not just died a normal death but a death that only criminals died, a heinous excruciating death.

This man forgave sins and raised people from the dead and opened blind eyes and fed thousands of people, but He couldn’t save Himself from death. How could they trust what He said?

They wasted three years of their lives following this man all over the countryside, listening to a bunch of crazy things He said.  And for what?  This? He was supposed to be mighty and powerful, and the night before His death, He washed their feet and told them to serve others. It didn’t make any sense.

He abandoned them. And what were they supposed to do? Wait to be arrested and killed because of Him?

This man, who called Himself the Son of God gave glimpses of hope to many, only to have that same hope dashed by His untimely death.

To his disciples, Good Friday was anything but good.

But to us, who now celebrate Jesus’ resurrection in Easter, we know Jesus’ brutal death was necessary to take away sin and death…it was necessary for freedom. And Jesus told His disciples these things, but they weren’t yet given the insight in order to be able to see it.

But don’t we act like those same disciples?

Jesus says over and over do not be afraid, and yet we cling to our fear. He says, don’t worry about the things that might happen to us or our kids or our parents or our money or our stuff, and all we are is a big bucket of worry.  We too, fail to see the bigger picture of what the Kingdom is all about.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.  Matthew 6

For me, Good Friday is a reminder of not only the suffering that took place for me…for all, but a reminder to trust in an Abba who is working out all things for the greater good that I often miss.  Just like the disciples, many times I don’t get what’s going on…not really. But I don’t have to.

Perplexed, but not in despair…not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do.

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace…The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever. 2 Cor. 4

I want to be like those birds that Jesus talks about in Matthew 6, the ones that don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, not worried about the future…free and unfettered…careless in the care of God.

Living on a Prayer (the dark side)

I woke up several hours ago (that’s what I get for going to bed at 9:00), thinking and worrying about things I have no control over.

Some days, I just want to throw in the towel…it’s just too hard…too difficult to walk the path He’s called me to. I don’t want to live by prayer and faith. I want things to come easy. I don’t want everything to be a struggle all the time.

But instead of going to the One who can help me shed my worries and my fears, I try to procure my own peace by escaping.

The result?

It’s not pretty. And there’s no peace to be had. Just more uncertainty and yuck.

As I sit here with tears pouring down my face, I begin to cry out to my Abba. For He alone is the One I can run to.

And He draws my attention to the small blessings He’s given me in the last few days.

• Red tulips (I saw three at the library, and I was mesmerized,  and it was like Abba said, “You like that? Just wait till you see the dozens at the soccer field.”)
• Watching 2 of my boys playing soccer on the same team with their dad coaching
• Crazy little kids that laugh loud and hard
• Kids playing outside all day long with the neighbor kids
• The date I will have with Jeff tomorrow (well, technically today)
• Sunshine all throughout a day when it was supposed to be rainy and cloudy
• Laundry blowing crazily in the wind
• Yellow air soft BB’s that you can find in the nooks and crannies all over my house
• Songs that make me cry
• Watching Julia as she sword fights with our neighbor, because she’s his “apprentice”
• Kids that go barefoot, now till Thanksgiving (and that’s probably an under-exaggeration)
• Our small family garden that now has potatoes planted, given to us by our neighbors
• Warmer days ahead
• A friend understanding what we’re called to do and lending an encouraging word and help

Many, many more blessings…too many to count.

My ”stuff” isn’t fixed. It’s still there. But somehow it seems smaller, less consuming than it did before.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down {His peace}. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Philippians 4)

fully present

Right now, I’m in the middle of learning to be fully present. Which is good, since I stink at multi-tasking anyway. I’m not the mom that can do ten things at once, which is unfortunate since I have 5 kids.

I am the mom who turns the stove top on to make an egg and then disappears into the living room to check the weather. I become engrossed in the weather and by then my egg and the stove have become a memory of the past. Being engrossed no more than a few seconds, I get on the computer to check my email, but it never ends at checking email.  I start writing a blog post.

Only then, when my kids start complaining about the horrible smell and the smoke, do I realize that I turned on the stove many minutes before, completely burning the bottom of my pan and almost setting my kitchen on fire. I think that this type of behavior might be labelled as multi-tasking ADD.

I was struck the other day as I stood washing  dishes that I need to be fully present at whatever I am doing, whether it is washing dishes or hanging laundry or listening to kids who have more words than I do. To be present and not mentally go on to the next task that needs to be completed. To just enjoy the one at hand.

When I think of everything that needs to be done for the day, it makes me grumpy and overwhelmed.  And I miss out on the blessings of the task I’m in the middle of when I jump ahead to the things in my head that I may never accomplish anyway.

But this is more difficult than I imagined…this task of being fully present.

When my older boys were little, I was physically present but not emotionally present. I was too busy looking for what I thought would satisfy my hungry heart. So my husband and children got the leftovers, and there wasn’t much left over. But, thankfully, Abba showed me grace and is even now redeeming those wasted years.

I say I want to be fully present, but I can still zone out on God and my family by the many distractions I have around me. I too often find myself trying to find life from a computer screen or trying to live vicariously through someone else’s life…trying to escape who God has called me to be and the tasks He’s already laid out for me to do.

But even in confessing that this is my struggle, I find He has given me victory for this moment. And that’s all I can ask for.

…let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus… (Hebrews 12)

 

She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and that your heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads. A scholarship to the conference will be awarded here.