Kids, Diapers, and Stand-Out Moments

When you have really little kids, older moms like to say, “Enjoy them while they’re young, because you’re going to blink, and blah, blah, blah,” and I know I smiled sweetly and rolled my eyes, but in my brain I was thinking, “Are you crazy? I would give anything to have my kids grow up faster so I can have ten minutes in the bathroom to myself without someone beating down the door.”

Come to think of it, they still beat on my door while I’m in the bathroom. That really hasn’t changed all that much. But there are definitely some things that have changed; some things that made me giddy and had me jumping up and down.

Here are a of those few stand-out moments for me:

1. A few years back, on a trip I realized there were no more diapers to change. NO ONE WAS IN DIAPERS ANYMORE. I no longer had to try to change a wiggly little kid with a dirty diaper on a van seat, trying to figure out where to put all those used wipes, while trying not to get poop all over the van. And after 11 years of diapers with one year off around year 7, I was ecstatic.

2. But, even though there were no more diapers to change, there was still poop to deal with because there is the butt-wiping that takes place for a good while longer. But the day I woke up and realized I wasn’t wiping anyone else’s behind was a good day, a very good day. It’s the kind of thing that catches you off guard. It just kind of happens, and then you notice you have been freed and the freedom is, I must say, rather crazy good. So much so that you want to start telling everyone you see.

3. A while back, when my in-laws took us out to eat, I noticed I didn’t have to order off the menu for anyone. They all read and can figure out what they want. And not only that,  I’m not cutting stuff up anymore. I noticed Julia picked up her hunk of steak and chowed down. But you know what? She’s happy; I’m happy. She’ll probably eventually learn not to do that.

4. I don’t have to lock cabinets afraid that someone might drink something they’re not supposed to drink or down too many gummy vitamins. I haven’t had to call poison control for some time. That’s always nice.

5. No one has played in the toilet or put things in it that don’t belong, like say, toys or toothbrushes for a good long while. Now, they don’t always flush and since I have four boys, my bathroom is rarely clean and the seat inevitably stays up. But, no toilets have had to be completely taken apart to retrieve toothbrushes.

And, here are some really good things that stand out these days:

1. Talking. We sit around and talk a lot, which I love, since quality time is my thing. We talk about everything. Into the wee hours of the night sometimes. Like last night, my two oldest just didn’t want to go to bed. At 1  o’clock in the morning, they followed Jeff and me into our room, exhausted, but wanting to be around us some more. Very cool.

2. We play games and do puzzles. I have a few kids who really like to play games and connect in that way when connecting is sometimes difficult in other ways.

4. We watch movies that I have loved sharing with my kids, which inevitably evokes more conversation since we have to analyze everything to death.

5. We laugh and joke and have fun. And, yes, sometimes at other people’s expense. For Thanksgiving, we went to see my family. Julia got carsick and threw up. Jeff insisted that her brother Jonah, sitting beside her, hold the trash can while she was vomiting so her hands could be free to hold her hair out of the way. Her brother Jake, sitting in front of her, was holding his ears so he wouldn’t hear her vomiting. And Jesse (biggest brother, sitting as far away from her) and I were laughing, while Jeff continued to drive and insist that Jonah keep holding that trash can. I’m just not sure what Jeremiah was doing because I was laughing too hard at Jake and Jonah to notice. We finally came to a gas station, where we all tumbled out of the car. We all talked and laughed and replayed the whole thing again while Jeff washed the trash can out in nasty, leafy, drainage water. More laughter, of course. And then we all piled back into the van and continued on.  Julia was fine, by the way.

6. We camp. And even though a couple of them aren’t that fond of it, they humor me. And we have a good time. Together. And even though we’re together all the time (due to homeschooling) we’re really together in a tent, out in nature, and it’s great most of the time. Unless you bring one scooter and have four kids who all want to ride that one scooter at the same time, the whole time. Will be camping. Won’t be bringing the scooter.

7. They run around like a bunch of crazy lunatics who are completely out of control. And they’re big; they could knock each other and me down, and it would hurt. A lot. They have no common sense when they get like this, and their hearing becomes impaired (I read this in a magazine somewhere), so I get out of the way and laugh. And say things like, “Watch your brother’s neck” and “Please, don’t drop him on his head.” Even though I know they can’t hear me between my laughing and their lack of sense.

So for any moms out there who still have little ones, they really won’t stay that way long, (blah, blah, blah), hang on and enjoy. And please, by all means, share your stand-out moments.

the fake lay-down

I didn’t mean to lay them down, only to take them up again. That certainly wasn’t my intention. And I honestly thought I laid them down. I thought they gone for good…lack of trust, fear, anger, blame.

For some reason, they seem to vanish when my circumstances change and things don’t look quite so grim, when the bills are paid and there’s money in the bank and groceries in the fridge.  I’m overwhelmed when God provides and applaud Him for His amazing miraculous provision, but what happens right before the provision comes? When the bills aren’t paid and there’s no provision in sight? Then things get a little desperate, and I go a little nuts with worry and fear, and the things I thought I laid down are staring me right in the face again.

The fear and the doubt take over, and everything in me screams for relief, praying like crazy that He would provide once again, even though I’ve seen Him provide again and again. And begging Him for my circumstances to change. But if they did, I know I wouldn’t need Him quite so desperately anymore. So I’m still here, circling around again, and the same stuff is being revealed. Big surprise.

I look at the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness year after year after year, and they didn’t get it either. And I know I wouldn’t have been any better; I haven’t been any better.

They were people in dire circumstances…out in the desert for three days with no water. They complained. Of course they did. I would have thought I was dying.

Then, the Israelites didn’t have food. I can imagine their little ones with their parched mouths and hungry stomachs and their cries of “Give us food before we die.” They complained and blamed Moses. And I complain because I have to eat the same food.

They constantly begged to go back to Egypt, where they built things up as being better than they were. This too sounds familiar.

I’ve had my 40 years in the desert, and I don’t want to keep wandering around here for another 40. This time, I really, honestly want to lay this stuff down. I don’t want to continue this pattern of circling around and around, while I try to learn the same lessons over and over again.

I want to be different. I want to trust and look above my circumstances at Him, knowing He is the Giver of all good things, including circumstances that make us grow and change. And yet, sometimes, my eyes just fall back to my circumstances and my need only. And I become fearful and angry and start pointing fingers because things aren’t different, like I think they should be.

I’m officially eliminating the word “should” from my vocabulary. Because unfortunately it has taken on a life of its own. I have used “should” to put expectations on God and other people for what they “should” have done for me. And “should” was never good when I used it for myself either, as in I “should” have done this or that…heaping on guilt and shame.

So with “should” gone, I feel freedom from my past as well as lowered expectations (let’s be honest, they probably haven’t completely vanished with a speech change). But maybe this time, I will lay these things down, and I will have victory.

I want to do it better this time. And if I have to continue to wander here, I want to wander better. I want to complain less and not be so stinking fearful but to hope in Him, not for what He can provide but because of Who He is.

What Got Into You?

At times, I feel like I’m just like Peter who was so quick to jump out of the boat to walk to Jesus in the middle of the storm, only to take his eyes off Him and begin to notice the wind blowing hard around him. And then, I too, look down and notice the waves churning around my feet, and I realize I’m not safe. I’ve left safety behind in following Him, and now that I’m out of the boat, what in the world do I do? 

Doubts about His goodness creep in and overwhelm me, and I begin flailing my arms and fighting against Him in an attempt to save myself. And I begin to sink lower and lower in worry and self-pity and discontent. And the little girl inside me is throwing things…and more flailing occurs.

“Master, save me.” That’s what Peter said. And I too say that, but what I really mean is “Get me out of this stinking mess.”

But Jesus, what did He do for Peter? What does he even now do for me?

He didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, what got into you?”

Pride. Arrogance. Doubt. Fear. Anger.

And I realize I don’t want to necessarily be emptied of myself…die daily to self…to really be rescued, but what I want is relief from the struggles I find myself in. I need a breather…I want to be able to relax and have things the way I want them for a while and life not be such a struggle.

But as I wrestle through all of this,  Jesus reminds me that this training I’m in is not in vain…that I’m in the same race that Jesus was in.

Fix your eyes on Jesus, who endured the cross, shame, etc…When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again…So don’t feel sorry for yourselves...This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training. God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. Watch out for the Esau syndrome; trading away God’s lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. (parts of Hebrews 12, MSG)

And so, I stop flailing long enough to really say “Master, save me.” In those three words, I finally admit my own weakness and my need for Him and Him alone and submit to Him in trusting- obedience.

When I look at what Jesus went through for me, it’s hard to feel sorry for myself, but in His kindness He doesn’t beat me over the head with it, He gently reminds me to focus on Him and not grow weary and lose heart.

Institutionally Dependent

I am guilty of relying on institutions to help me make and sustain relationships.

I know this because once the institution has been stripped away, in most cases, I rarely see or hear from those people again and vice versa.

So I have this feeling of “lostness” because not only have I now lost my institution, whether it be church or school or work, but now I’ve misplaced all my friendships related to that institution, and they’ve somehow replaced me as well.

So what do I do to make myself feel better? I try to find another institution, one that will give me structure and programs and ultimately friendships.  It seems like in most cases I can’t do it on my own…make friends, that is.  

I feel better about going to an institution and finding people who are similar to me and might be relatively on the same page than I do imposing myself upon my neighbor next door.

Yesterday, our neighbor’s alarm kept going off, and the police kept showing up. The police eventually knocked on our door and were surprised that we actually know our neighbors and do talk with them.  Not that we’ve had them over for dinner or anything. She gives my kids stuff and routinely gives us vegetables. And we exchange the friendly neighbor wave.

But I’d rather keep my house to myself and save dinners for my institutional friends.

But I have no more institutions left…(I know I’m really starting to sound like a hippie).

So what do I do about friends? How do I “do life” with the people around me?

Maybe I should start with the neighbors next door, and not just the ones I feel really comfortable with.

There’s that word again…comfort…I really don’t like being uncomfortable. And I really don’t like things being awkward.

Maybe my comfort+my fear=my selfishness. Ouch.

The Meaning Of It All?

Some days just seem mundane, and other days just seem very, very hard.

On the mundane days, tasks and lists need to be completed, and it’s usually those things we’ve done more times than we care to count.

And then there are days that are just hard. Discouragement, discontentment and doubt set in, and I just try to hang as best as I can.

Ecclesiastes is a book that talks a lot about life not being all that and describes life as being futile. So the author kind of throws his hands up and has the attitude of “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.”

I just finished reading  Breaking the Idols of Your Heart which talks about how all of us try so hard to find things that give us life, and we make idols out of them.  We try to suck the life out of relationships, or we try to hold onto control by being powerful. We might try to find life in work or pleasure or knowledge. Some people try to become more religious, which leads to self-righteousness and pride. And then sooner or later, we die.

Pretty depressing stuff.

“An under-the-sun perspective fueled the Teacher’s resignation to a life of meaningless in which

• control will always slip out of our grasp.
• relationships will always disappoint.
• work will leave us frustrated.
• pleasure is always fleeting.
• wisdom is never an adequate guide.
• spirituality usually gives in to legalism.
• life ends in decay and death.”

After reading this, I just wanted to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head for the next ten years or so. But Ecclesiastes doesn’t end there.  We don’t have to have this view of life because of Jesus.

“…the above-the-sun perspective charges all aspects of our earthly life with new and everlasting significance, so that

• control leads to surrender to God’s will.
• relationships lead to trust in God’s love.
• work leads to laboring for God’s kingdom.
• pleasure leads to a hunger for God’s coming.
•  wisdom leads to a humble curiosity to know God.
• spirituality leads to embracing God’s wild heart.
• life leads to a joyous celebration of death and resurrection.” (181)

The writer of Ecclesiastes had experienced everything there was to experience, and it all came up lacking. So his solution to life’s futility and meaninglessness? First of all, he said, “Fear God.” And by fear God, I don’t think He’s talking about a “quaking in my boots” kind of fear. In the book Breaking the Idols, the authors talk about fear this way, “…fear is both a hunger for a glimpse of mystery and a terror of what comes.” (188)

Secondly, the writer said, “Do what He tells you to do.” We get confused about who we’re supposed to be listening to. Sometimes we’d rather listen to other people tell us what they think we’re supposed to do rather than listen to the Holy Spirit moment by moment. 

Yes, there’s still the day to day stuff of life, and I don’t always do that so well. There are still days that I doubt and get discouraged, and discontentment sets in, but listening to Him and actually doing what He’s telling me to do has definitely made me love and trust Him more..

The book of I John is all about loving God by listening to Him, by keeping His commands, and he goes on to state that God’s commands are not burdensome. His commands are not made up of the types of lists we often construct for ourselves and others. His commands: Love God; love others, and the amazing thing is that He does these things through us.  

But I found it interesting that John ended the book by saying, “Little children, guard yourselves from idols.” He knew our hearts. He knew that our focus is limited and that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to hang on to idols while loving God and others at the same time. And he was right. Christ has to be our All in All. And the crazy ironic thing is that we don’t find Him in our own strength. He does it all…finds us, loves us, lives through us. And our part? surrendering, embracing, receiving.

“The lesson of Ecclesiastes is that Christ makes the difference. Our lives are far from meaningless, because he infuses our lives with meaning.”  (181)

Jesus Loves the Kids (Part 2)

Julia (my 7 year old) and I were recently having a girls’ lunch with some other family members, and I found myself in the middle of a conversation, where I was doing most of the talking, and I was talking about another person, gossiping actually.  I can’t do anything to help the person I was talking about, and the people I was with at the table can’t do anything to help this person either.

I should have known better, and I did, but I was running off at the mouth. I was so intent on sharing my information that I hadn’t even realized that Julia had been paying attention. I was most of the way through what I had to say when Julia slid over right beside me in our booth and as she did, she touched me on the arm and looked up at me with her big brown eyes and kindly rebuked me by saying to me, “Momma, but Jesus is still fixing ___ too.” I looked down at her and I knew she was speaking words of truth to me, and I responded, “Yes, Julia, you’re right. He is.”

At that point, I should have shut my mouth right there. But I didn’t. I wanted to finish what I had to say, so I did.

You know, I didn’t get struck by lightening that day for my lack of obedience, because Abba is gracious, but I sure didn’t use my speech to edify the other family members who were sitting with me at the table, listening to me babble on about a person who cannot in any way be helped by my gossip.

Gossip has been one of those things that’s been really hard for me to let go of.  I like to know stuff that other people don’t know and then like to share what I know. I gossip many times out of my own insecurities, because I think that comparing myself with others will somehow make me feel better about myself.  These are the times when I fail to look to Jesus and find my security in Him. Gossip is one of those sins that we tolerate because it doesn’t seem to be one of the really bad sins, but it is big because it spreads dissension among believers.    

In Galatians, Paul talks about the freedom that we have in Christ and how we are to use that freedom to serve each other and ultimately to love each other.  He says in Galatians 5,  “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” Strong words for a little sin. 

The ironic thing is that I had just prayed before lunch that our words would be glorifying to God, yet my own were not. I’m really not into sin management, but I do want to listen to the Holy Spirit. And what a great story to remind me next time I’m tempted to gossip.

You know, we’re supposed to be teaching our kids about God, but most of the time I really think it’s the other way around. I sure am glad Abba loves all of His kids so much…big and small. And thank goodness, Jesus isn’t done fixing us all.

the sound of freedom

This past weekend, we were at Jeff’s Grandma’s 90th birthday party bash. It was fun getting to see everyone and honor Grandma for her journey. Jeff has a rather large extended family. In fact, it’s hard in such a short time frame to be able to talk to most of the family beyond the usual chit-chat.

But, one of the best parts for me was when I got a chance to talk with Jeff’s Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike is kind of a rabble-rouser in the family, and I thought it would be fun to tell him about a dream that Jeff had just had. Jeff had dreamed that the entire Darnell family was mad at me (all 150 of them), and the only one who wasn’t was Uncle Mike. And in the dream, Uncle Mike came up to me and told me it would be ok.

So, after I told Uncle Mike about Jeff’s dream, he started laughing and saying that Jeff’s dream was prophetic. I was kind of horrified. So I told him that I guessed I was going to have to mind my p’s and q’s.

He told me, “If you mind your p’s and q’s, then you won’t be true to yourself.”

I said, “You know, you’re right, and I’ve just kind of figured out who I really am in the last couple of years.”

He looked me right in the eyes and said, “And do you like her?”

My response: ”Yes, I like her a lot. She’s a lot more fun and a lot more free.” Laughter.

I’ve found that some people are afraid of other people’s freedom. They try to discourage them or control them. The Pharisees did that to Jesus. They showed disdain for the freedom that His Father had given Him. They tried to draw the people away from Him. They tried to shut him up and squelch His freedom. But it didn’t stop Him. He didn’t care what they thought.

But freedom…real, true freedom in Christ attracts others. It doesn’t necessarily attract those who have it all together or the religious…they’re too busy still keeping the rules and following the traditions. But freedom…it attracts the ragamuffins, who realize they have nothing in and of themselves. It attracts the ones who have had everything, and life has just somehow come up short. It attracts those who desire to be free but just haven’t seen it or known it yet.

I’m following Jesus because that’s where freedom and life are. I’m one of many ragamuffins who have found freedom, or maybe it found me.  I don’t have to pretend any longer to be something I’m not because I’ve been unshackled and am no longer living in bondage, mine or anyone else’s.

And I don’t know if anyone was mad at me this past weekend or not, but Abba spoke to me through Uncle Mike, and I stopped caring what other people thought and threw those p’s and q’s right out the window.

I know who my Father is…and isn’t that what really matters?

For you were called to be free. (Galatians 5:13)

My chains are gone…I’ve been set free. Once again, laughter.

 

Simple Church

It’s a God Thing

So, it’s my birthday today. But I’m not crying, even though it’s my last 30.  When you’re a teenager, you never think you’ll get to 35, much less 40. I remember celebrating my dad’s 40th birthday. He seemed to have it all together at that age. I’m just wondering when the “all-togetherness” starts! Last night, I was called an “older person” by a teenager…She was making fun of how we older people text. She thought she was being nice by using “older” instead of old.

I’m very thankful for my 39 years. When I turned 29, I was fearful and confused and a little panicked  because I felt like I hadn’t lived yet, even though I had a husband and 3 wonderful little boys.  I was on the verge of 30 and nearing the corner to “old age.” And God was definitely a part of my life at that time, but I didn’t really know Him and who He was, and not that I have it figured out now, but He’s shown Himself in ways that I cannot deny, and I could not remain in my fearful but numb state.

I know I’m becoming more comfortable with the girl God’s creating me to be. I’m not always cleaned up and pretty…I’m downright amess at times, but Abba has done a work in me.  And in His mercy, in His grace, in His kindness…He has shown me Himself, and I definitely want more.

He’s also teaching me who I am, where I’ve come from and where I’m going. Sara Groves has a song called “Just Showed Up For My Own Life.”

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I^,m standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I^,m going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that^,s honest and real until I^,m truly amazed
I^,m going to feel all my emotions
I^,m going to look you in the eyes
I^,m going to listen and hear until it^,s finally clear and it changes our lives

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive!

My life is a crazy roller coaster right now…as many people’s are, but I’m laughing, and it feels so good to laugh at my circumstances and at myself. It’s ALL good. I’ve come to realize that there is a much bigger purpose than me having a good life, living it securely and maintaining some kind of status quo. And I trust that Abba has me exactly where He wants me. Most days, I have no clue what that even means, but Abba has shown me again and again that I’m not just floating around somewhere, but that I am safe  in the palm of His hand, under the shadow of His wings.

Psalm 139

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother’s womb.
   I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I’d even lived one day.

Happy Birthday to me…

The Princess and the Process

We spent our summer remodeling our kitchen…well, it’s still not done yet, but it’s close. I didn’t actually do much of the work…other than paint the cabinets at the very beginning of the project. I mainly just tried to stay out of the way while my husband and father-in-law did the work. I was doing pretty well until they put the drywall in, and then I thought I would lose my mind. I walked around huffing and sighing and huffing about the drywall dust that covered everything in the downstairs of my house. In the middle of this mess, we started home schooling. Since I’m a single focused girl, a seriously NON-multi-tasker, I had a really, really hard time.

About one-fourth of the way into the process, I had had enough and took the kids and went to stay with my brother and his family in Indiana for a few days and was secretly hoping that when I got back the kitchen would be mostly completed. It wasn’t. I came back and didn’t have a sink for over a week (we ate a lot of burritos, corn dogs, and PBJ’s on paper plates). I threatened Jeff to go stay with someone else while he and his dad continued to work. I think he would have loved for me to go away again…I was just not that nice to live with.

Now, as we’re nearing the end of it all, I’m kind of sad…NOT because it’s almost over, but because I really thought I would be able to handle the inconveniences of remodeling the kitchen better than I did…I really thought that it wasn’t going to be that big of a deal and that I would handle it reasonably well…I kind of pictured myself like one of those tough, enduring pioneer women…HAH! What I did learn about myself is that I’m not a process kind of gal when it comes to home improvement. Next time there’s a remodeling thing, I want to go to Disney World and let other people come in and do it for me. You know, a “move that bus” kind of thing.