30
Apr
08

Looking Back

 

Today, I’m wondering once again if Abba was even in our move to Nashville…I look at the stuff going on around us, and I’m confused why He would choose this for us. But when I start to doubt that Abba is sovereign and that He ordained all my days for me before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16), that’s when I review my story. I look at the details and think, only Abba could have done that. This time, I think He made it so obvious that when I begin to question how I got here, there is little room for doubt that He is in control. I think He usually makes it obvious, but sometimes in my striving, I lose sight of Him, and my actions distract me from what He’s already in the process of doing.

 

Our pastor is doing a series called “Plan B: What to do when your dreams are shattered.” In other words, what do you do when life doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to? I’ve come to realize my Plan B, or C, or D has always been God’s plan A. But just because I know He’s in control, and I can see that He is at work doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy path or one that I necessarily like all that well. I guess that’s the part where trusting comes in. I have to trust that He absolutely knows what’s best for me, and eventually at some point surrender…

 

I guess these days I’ve been looking back a lot. I’ve been doing a lot of comparing, comparing the way my life used to be to the way it is now. In looking back, it’s funny how you forget the bad and glorify the good.  When I was in high school, a new girl came to my school. All she could talk about was her old school and how much better it was than mine, and it got really annoying after a while…right now, I’m that girl…and just like her, I don’t really think my wallowing in the past has actually been doing me any good. Abba didn’t give me a song this time, not yet anyway; he gave me a book, a fiction book, in fact. The character in the book described me well, painfully so. It was hard to see myself as I truly am, and it also woke me up to my lack of honestly about the past.

 

I know why the children of Israel had memorials, so that when they began to look back they could remember the things God had done for them. An honest look back at the past and a true gratefulness about what Abba has done can be beneficial. I think I’m going to write a memorial of the things Abba has done in my life in the past year…it has been an amazing, wild, terrifying ride…I didn’t always surrender and trust, and along the way I ignored a few danger signs about being too close to the waterfall and came close to plunging over a few times…but I’m still here…and Abba’s still leading me…

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3 Responses to “Looking Back”


  1. 1 elizabeth K
    May 2, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    I think we are all at places, from time to time,we would rather not be or can not see any good in it. I often think, I would never choose this. How can any of this be good? How can I get out? But if I believe that the Lord is Sovereign and I belong to Him, is He not free to do with me as He chooses? I keep coming back to this, surrender and faith, although sometimes not so quickly. I recently read Hind’ s Feet On High Places and it was a resounding theme of trusting no matter what the appearance and seeing the loving shepherd lead, knowing He knew the final destination all the time.

    I am glad your are thinking about memorials. I too often forget. The times I journal have been a memorial for me. It really is a tremendous help to look back at where He has brought me and what He has done. It strengthens me for the road I can not see. I think being self employed gives ample opportunity to trust and wait and remember what God has done in the past, even when prospects for the future look meager at best. Right not different children give that opportunity! As they reveal my neediness for love and wisdom, and grace and as I can not see the end yet. And having a child who we will never see the end. Yes, Lord you do have the right to do as You please with me. I may cry and complain a bit, but I really do want to to love and trust you more. Thankfully, I believe He paiently bears with me and even saves my tears in a bottle, and one day will wipe away every tear with those nail pierces hands.

  2. 2 bethany
    May 2, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    My dear dear friend. I have spent the evening with you and you aren’t even in town! How I would love to shout from the roof tops and beg, beg, beg you guys to come HOME. But as I’m reading your blogs, I’m amazed at the impact into my life you can have from 175 miles away. While I definitely miss your smiling face and your awesome family, I thank GOD for you and for facebook!

    I have another set of friends who were/are in the decision making phase of moving from Tuscaloosa. Their prayer has been “God show us where you want us to be – Gulf Shores or Tuscaloosa”. And every time they tell me that, I think “I’m not sure God cares WHERE we are, He can use us where ever we lay our heads.” We go where is best for our family. If Tuscaloosa was best, you guys would be here. But right now, at this moment, Nashville is best for the Darnell’s (Gulf Shores is about to be best for my other friends). And wouldn’t be just horrible if we missed the miracles cause we kept looking down the road for our happiness or purpose.

    Your purpose is in Him and, trust me, you are Purposed! You are an incredible communicator who helps me see the memorials in my own life. Who helps me see that no matter our intentions, Abba Daddy shines through. You talked about your outfit while you were here and I chuckled! I thought when I saw you that you were the coolest person on the face of the planet! So geniune, so authentic, so absolutely real. You looked classy and sleek. You looked like you were going to a really good friends’ funeral, not for appearances or ritual, but for celebration of their arrival in Heaven. I hope I mean that much to you that you dress exactly the same way at mine! Isn’t it funny how our negatives can impact for the positive without us even knowing! You touch my heart.

  3. May 13, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    I still cannot get over the similarities on our lives! I’m so glad you asked to be my friend on facebook. God has blessed me lately with ‘busyness’ that I haven’t been able to read your recent blogs, but I’m catching up tonight.

    I have told 3 different people in the last 3 days the following story that sounds all too much like yours…

    This time last year, I had JUST had baby #5. I wasn’t due until 05-24. We had a deposit down on a house that we weren’t sure was THE one for us. The only way out of that contract and refund on our deposit was for someone else to come along and put a counter offer on this house…the house had been on the market for 2 years!

    ‘Some thing’ or ‘Some one’ began to eat at my soul. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s my ‘scardy-cat syndrome’ of not wanting to leave was it all too comfortable or if it really is God talking to me, but after a week of having ‘this’ feeling…I finally spoke up to my husband & voiced my concerns about our ‘new’ house. LITERALLY within 2 weeks, someone else came along and put another contract on this house!!!!!!

    Now where we were going to live? Where was Jamie going to work? Who was going to buy our house? Every 2 weeks something NEW happened to answer those above questions! We found a house…Jamie found a new job….we sold our house!

    Okay…I said all of this to make a point…jump to the HEART of basketball season…Jamie is on the road 2 times a week, gone every day from 7-4pm only to leave again for practice from 4-6pm & sometimes later!

    I’m here at the house…less than 1 mile from SWU gym, so he’s just up the road, but he’s NOT here! Not with me, not with the kids, not for dinner, etc, etc.!

    I began to question MY PURPOSE! Why did God uproot our family? Why did he send us to Central? Does He know how depressed I was, without my husband around? I felt like I had NO purpose, only to clean up after 7 people and get the kids off to school every morning. I loved my home in A’ville. I loved my church and my church family. AND THEN IT HIT ME RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES! It took 3 church services to get it thru my thick skull, but my pastor blurts out from the stage…YOU HAVE A PURPOSE! I sat up like a little soldier…is HE talking to ME? I look up and he’s looking straight at ME!!!!! Ok…weird! Does my pastor have ESP? And then it hit me…Julie…I AM TELLING You that you are MY child, and YOU do have a purpose, but YOU have to trust in ME! ‘Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart & lean not unto his own understanding, in ALL thy ways acknowledge him & he shall direct thy paths.’ Prov. 3:5-6

    You know what? Looking back, I was feeling the same way that you wrote about. Was God involved? YES, HE WAS! Do I have a purpose here, where I am today? YES, I DO!
    (and so do you!).

    I know I’ve said it before, but thank you! Thank you for writing about your life, your struggles, your happy times, and your silly times! You don’t know how much or who you touch with your precious words, but let me tell you…you’ve touched me! You make me feel normal!!!!

    Love much!
    Julie Crocker-Herman


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