On Being Vulnerable

I’ve had a few rough days lately, days that I just don’t want to get out of bed or somehow end up getting back in. It’s been dreary outside, and my house and yard look like they’ve been turned inside out…I’m sure my neighbors appreciate that about my yard…but then who am I trying to impress anyway…

The last couple days I haven’t taken my morning walk which I should always do, no matter what. It seems to give me perspective and appreciation and helps me see outside of myself. Yesterday, after I got up, I went into Julia’s room and saw that she had swiped some thermometers off my dresser, and for some reason, this sent me over the edge. I started yelling, and then when I reached down to pick up one of the thermometers off the floor, I smashed my head into the windowsill. And that, of course, made me yell louder and made me even angrier than I already was, and now I have a nice lump with a bruise on my forehead…I love it when Abba gives me a visible reminder that some things just don’t matter all that much, but I wasn’t really appreciating my reminder at the time.

This incident just led me to get back into bed where I tried to sleep off my irritability. But sometimes sleep doesn’t help that much. And when I woke up, I was still sad and irritated. Some things are soul issues that don’t go away with sleep.

I don’t handle transitions well, and now my three older boys are home from school. And, middle school boys are in an amazing category all their own. They pick at each other and run around and shoot rubber bands and steal hats and just generally cause a big ruckus and a mess that I don’t think I was ready to take on yet. A friend of mine told me years ago that you have to keep this age busy or they become really out of control. I guess it’s kind of like having really active toddlers who get into everything but with bigger bodies and bigger mood swings…how that is possible, I’m not sure. But it’s chaotic, and I just haven’t felt like embracing this chaos yet.

I think what I’m coming head to head with on a daily basis is my complete and utter selfishness. It’s a little scary to look at so openly and honestly and realize that some days I’ve made everything really all about me, and it’s ugly…real ugly.

I keep having this recurring dream of walking around topless. I wouldn’t even actually call it a dream…it’s just a sense of having done this…a really strong sense. I actually asked my husband if I had ever done this and more specifically had I done this in front of his parents. I’m sure Freud would have a heyday with this. But I know this has to do with being vulnerable, and I’m feeling vulnerable, like I’ve revealed too much about myself…like people are shaking their heads at me. It shouldn’t really matter, but sometimes it just does. However, I’m realizing my feelings change a lot, and I really can’t count on them to tell me the truth.

I’m going to keep writing these things, because I think this is all part of being human. And in confessing my weaknesses and my humanness is where the mask comes off and the façade fades and where Abba reveals Himself to me in my need. Having it all together is overrated and a lot of hard work to keep up…quite frankly I don’t have that much energy to expend on presenting something that’s false…so here it is…the good, the bad, and the ugly…but thank goodness today’s a new day, and Jesus is alive and working in me, whether I feel like it or not.



6 Responses to “On Being Vulnerable”

  1. 1 bethany
    May 29, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    You, my friend, are so loved! Please, please don’t stop writing. I am the one you write of. Me and all of your friends. Aren’t we are all so vulnerable, yet loved. So overwhelmed, yet sensitive. Aren’t we just glad there’s Daddy?! The one who knows us completely and loves us anyway. I may not know you completely, but I do love you anyway!! I think you rock.

  2. May 29, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    I think you rock too, Bethany, and am so thankful for this long distance relationship!!:)

  3. May 29, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    So true Kim. I believe that 99% of us Christians walk around as though we we are so good and we have it all together. There was a time when it seemed to me I was the only one who didn’t. But as time goes on, i can see that it really is just a facade or they have themselves totally fooled. When in fact, we are all so filthy. And I say better to just admit that we stuggle with SO many things. It takes a whole lot less energy,

  4. May 29, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    I wholeheartedly agree, Phyllis. I think confessing to each other is huge and keeps us from putting each other up on pedestals that are so quickly knocked out from under us.

  5. 5 LeeAnne
    May 31, 2008 at 8:38 am

    You are such a God-send Kim, please don’t stop writing. You are my words when I can’t put my voice into them so easily! You share my heart and our history, especially the heart part, draws me to your thoughts and feelings: all of them – the good, the bad and the ugly. We just are! These words aren’t our excuses, they make us “just me” and I love you girl! I think we were twins separated at birth for real! We are so real and that’s why we mesh so well. Don’t change that about you. Your Father loves that about you. I do too!

  6. June 1, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    I like that…twins separated at birth 🙂 Love you too, girl!

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