Something to Talk About

Jeff’s had a temporary job for the last couple of months. And I had been anxiously hoping and planning for him to be able to get on full-time with this company. After being unemployed for almost a year, I was tired of being in that insecure spot of not knowing if we were going to be able to pay our bills. For a long time, I think I was really angry with God for putting us there for so long and not providing in the way that I thought He should provide.

And so security  became my idol. It’s probably been my idol for a very long time…but it definitely surfaced when we had none, and I was grasping to get back what security I thought I had.  I think I masked my desire for security by becoming obsessed with making money and with a good paying job. Allender says in Cry of the Soul,  “Shame arises because I am an idolater and I feel foolish when my idol topples.”

Recently, a friend told me I seemed to be caught up in thinking that money and Jeff’s job was where I thought the answer was…was where I was putting my hope. And she made me angry for saying that, but she was right, and in beginning to admit this to myself, my idol began to wobble and shake. God, in his graciousness and love, wants all of me…wants all of my idols ripped away…even if He has to do it in crazy ways.

On Tuesday, when the FBI and IRS raided the company where Jeff was working and made everyone go into the conference room and give up their work phones and computers and passwords, and the company was on the  6 ‘oclock news for tax issues, all the plans and hopes I’d had in Jeff providing security for me toppled in a very absurd manner. 

It toppled further when we thought we’d be okay financially for the next month since the company owes Jeff two week’s pay. But,  since the company owes over 2 million dollars to the government, it’s not likely that we’ll get our money, since I have a feeling that the government will get theirs before we get ours. So any money that I thought we might be able to hold onto and “make it” with was gone. Done.

I get it…Abba’s trying to teach me to trust Him and Him alone…not money, not a job, not my own feeble ability to procure security for myself.

I remember praying a couple of weeks ago for rescue…I don’t even really remember what I was praying for rescue about…probably rescue from myself….that would be nice. But, He definitely answered my cry for rescue… He’s in the process of rescuing me from the idol that had me by the throat.

Surprisingly, I’m okay…or maybe I’m just still in shock. At any rate, if someone had told me about the job thing a couple weeks ago, I would have been angry and beside myself with worry because God was not doing what I had already planned out. But I’m in the process of really learning to trust and let go.  I mean, really, what other options do I have?

I would love to say that trust was something I did, something I prayed for more of, but it wasn’t. I didn’t strive…I didn’t read a bunch of Bible verses…I didn’t even have some huge revelation.

Last weekend, we sang “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms,” a song I had not sung for some time. But the part of the song that really got to me were these words,

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,

Leaning on the everlasting arms?…

Leaning, leaning,

Safe and secure from all alarms… 

So, now, today, I’m “leaning”  into Jesus with everything that I have…and for me, that means my palms are held out,  letting everything else go…but Him.

I am definitely waiting to see what’s around the next bend, but I STILL find myself making plans and struggling with the urge to hang on to everything BUT Him, but that would be crazy.  I know His plan is going to be good…because He is GOOD…and this isn’t some simple, stoic platitude. I don’t do platitudes, and I’m not stoic. And I’ve been here before.

But at least for today, in this moment, I am trusting Him to provide what HE thinks I need. And He’s already said that I don’t have to worry about tomorrow.

God uses absurdity to mock our arrogant demand for control–He knows that trust reveals a glory wilder than anything we can conceive.  -Dan Allender


4 Responses to “Something to Talk About”

  1. 1 Marilyn Beck
    July 10, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    I love you Kim….

  2. July 15, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Sending Darnell love to you all the way from Georgia!

    Have you heard the song “You are Able” by Christy Nockels? It is my motto lately. He is able!

    Love, Laura Susan

  3. 3 LeeAnne
    July 16, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    Oh dear, sweet Kim, I see me when I look in your mirror, so to speak….the tears are pouring out for you, not feeling sorry but just knowing first hand, where you are, how you feel, what you want and strive for right this very minute, while down on your knees, and remaining to lean on His everlasting arms….you are not alone….you, too, will come out on the other side….hold on tight to our Abba! I wish I were there to give you a hug but feel God’s arms of love instead, His are so much stronger than mine! Let Him hold you up girl! Take one minute at a time….in the midst of these excruciating minutes, there is still hope and that doesn’t come easy to say, but i’ve seen God work again and again, He remains faithful! I’ll shut up now, know that my heart goes out for you and your wonderful family! I love you little sis!

  4. July 22, 2010 at 5:49 am

    Wow, I just read this for the first time and I can so relate. I have come to the conclusion that “getting a little ahead” is just not something God has in his plan for us. And to be honest, I’m a little angry about it. It just seems to always be the “elephant in the room” when it come to my relationship with the Lord. I’st always there but I’m trying to ignore it. Excepting it and moving on is so hard to do but I’m determined.
    I can’t give you any comforting words because I don’t know any. But just know that there are some out there, though hundreds of miles away, that face that same struggle. I hope that is at least some comfort to you.

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