06
Dec
11

the fake lay-down

I didn’t mean to lay them down, only to take them up again. That certainly wasn’t my intention. And I honestly thought I laid them down. I thought they gone for good…lack of trust, fear, anger, blame.

For some reason, they seem to vanish when my circumstances change and things don’t look quite so grim, when the bills are paid and there’s money in the bank and groceries in the fridge.  I’m overwhelmed when God provides and applaud Him for His amazing miraculous provision, but what happens right before the provision comes? When the bills aren’t paid and there’s no provision in sight? Then things get a little desperate, and I go a little nuts with worry and fear, and the things I thought I laid down are staring me right in the face again.

The fear and the doubt take over, and everything in me screams for relief, praying like crazy that He would provide once again, even though I’ve seen Him provide again and again. And begging Him for my circumstances to change. But if they did, I know I wouldn’t need Him quite so desperately anymore. So I’m still here, circling around again, and the same stuff is being revealed. Big surprise.

I look at the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness year after year after year, and they didn’t get it either. And I know I wouldn’t have been any better; I haven’t been any better.

They were people in dire circumstances…out in the desert for three days with no water. They complained. Of course they did. I would have thought I was dying.

Then, the Israelites didn’t have food. I can imagine their little ones with their parched mouths and hungry stomachs and their cries of “Give us food before we die.” They complained and blamed Moses. And I complain because I have to eat the same food.

They constantly begged to go back to Egypt, where they built things up as being better than they were. This too sounds familiar.

I’ve had my 40 years in the desert, and I don’t want to keep wandering around here for another 40. This time, I really, honestly want to lay this stuff down. I don’t want to continue this pattern of circling around and around, while I try to learn the same lessons over and over again.

I want to be different. I want to trust and look above my circumstances at Him, knowing He is the Giver of all good things, including circumstances that make us grow and change. And yet, sometimes, my eyes just fall back to my circumstances and my need only. And I become fearful and angry and start pointing fingers because things aren’t different, like I think they should be.

I’m officially eliminating the word “should” from my vocabulary. Because unfortunately it has taken on a life of its own. I have used “should” to put expectations on God and other people for what they “should” have done for me. And “should” was never good when I used it for myself either, as in I “should” have done this or that…heaping on guilt and shame.

So with “should” gone, I feel freedom from my past as well as lowered expectations (let’s be honest, they probably haven’t completely vanished with a speech change). But maybe this time, I will lay these things down, and I will have victory.

I want to do it better this time. And if I have to continue to wander here, I want to wander better. I want to complain less and not be so stinking fearful but to hope in Him, not for what He can provide but because of Who He is.

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1 Response to “the fake lay-down”


  1. December 7, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Hello Kim,

    This really speaks to me as I also struggle with the terrible downturn in the housing related economy….. Thank you so much for writing it…

    Love & Peace,

    John Cooper


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