Posts Tagged ‘marriage

19
Sep
13

cry of my heart

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden, God cursed both Adam and Eve in very particular ways. Man’s curse was to have a hard time working the ground. There were going to be thorns and thistles, and he would have a difficult time earning a living. It was going to be by the sweat of his brow. And then, after he spent his entire life working hard, he went back to the same dust that he worked.

Part of Eve’s curse was to have pain in childbirth, which I can attest to after having five children. During those five births, I had 11 epidurals. I finally got it right and felt absolutely no pain with my last child, Jeremiah, but I couldn’t move for almost twelve hours after he was born…part of the price of trying to fight the curse, but, in my opinion, well worth it.

However, the second part of the woman’s curse continues to haunt me. God stated that the woman would need her husband, that her desire would be for him, and that he would use that desire to rule over her. This can happen in a multitude of ways, hence the power struggle in marriage where both parties try to “win” at getting their own needs and wants met through manipulation and control.

As a woman, I want to be loved and cared for, but sometimes it turns into this demanding, selfish neediness that is unquenchable and unstoppable. And my husband, as good and as godly as he is, is still going to, at times, lord it over me or use it against me because he wants his needs met too. We all do. Anyone who’s been married any length of time knows this, has felt this, has experienced this. It’s part of the curse, and, unfortunately, there is no epidural to take that kind of “heart” pain away.

Tim Keller talks about this in his book The Meaning of Marriage.  The woman remains dependent and desirous of her husband, but it turns into an idolatrous desire, and his protection and love become a selfish lust and exploitation. (174)

I find the passage in Colossians interesting because it commands husbands to love their wives and not be bitter toward them. Ultimately, women can make their husbands bitter against them. We can be so needy that not only will they rule over us but become bitter against us in the process. And all we wanted was love. But apparently, it becomes more than most men can bear at times.

So where do I go with my neediness? my sometimes unquenchable loneliness? my thirst for attention? my quest for love?

If I can take my need to be loved to a God who loves me way more than my husband ever could, I can allow my husband the spaciousness of being who he is and not demanding that he try to meet my every need. If I can view Jeff as my partner and not try to make him everything as so many songs try to portray human love, then the curse no longer has quite the hold on me that it had before. And I’m all about fighting the curse. 🙂

I’m not saying this is easy or simple; it’s not. But I do know the Someone Who walks with me when my own neediness threatens to strangle me and when my heart is overwhelmed. I know this God Who never leaves and Who never fails and Who never gets tired of my coming to Him with everything. He alone can handle me, all of me…

(I want to clarify…I’m not talking about any kind of abuse here…that is not what the Bible talks about when it says a man will rule over a woman. A man should NEVER be abusive to a woman. If that is happening, you need to tell someone and get help.)

Advertisements
30
Mar
13

whenever you’re ready

When I was in college and dating Jeff, I remember how hard it was to be away from him. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to talk with him, hang out with him, just sit and stare at him. I could not get enough. Ever. Jeff graduated before me, so during my senior year of college, he came back to visit me on campus a lot. The hardest times for me were saying goodbye and having him leave me there. As he drove off one day, I almost ran after his car, but my dignity kept me from publicly making an idiot of myself. Although I resisted the urge to run after his car like a dog, I still sobbed as he drove away.

I could not wait to marry him. I could not wait to be able to be with him all the time; I was ready for us to start our lives together. And at the time, it seemed like it was forever away. It was painful…that expectation, that longing of wanting to be with someone so badly. It felt like it almost caused me physical pain. And, even still, thinking about it, almost twenty-one years and five kids later, it makes my chest tighten to think of that intense longing. Waiting was the hardest thing.

I still think waiting is the hardest thing. I’m not used to it. I’m no longer waiting to get engaged or to get married or waiting on kids to be born. But now, I’m waiting for different things. I find myself waiting for God to show up, to lead me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m holding my breath as I wait, seeing if He really is going to do what He says. And sometimes, I feel anxious as I wait because I say I trust Him, but my actions of making stuff happen on my own reveal that I don’t really trust as much as I say I do. And yet, as I walk through different trials and situations, I’m learning to entrust myself to a faithful Creator.

It takes strength and courage to wait and not just run ahead, and sometimes it looks stupid to wait. But He is teaching me to listen to His voice…to listen to His Word and obey Him. I’ve had to get rid of my busyness and learn how to be still. I’ve also had to get rid of the voices, including my own, that threaten to drown out His still, small voice. I’ve found that it’s much harder to be still and wait on Him than it is to do things that don’t amount to much in His kingdom, His economy. But He reminds me daily to continually fix my eyes on Him;  it’s the only way waiting is possible.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord. Psalm 27

Right here, right now, I feel like I’m in the process of learning the bigness of waiting on Him. I’m waiting for His kingdom to break in and His power to be seen. I see glimpses of it here and there, and I want it so badly that it’s almost hard to breathe at times. In this wait, there is intense longing, not unlike the longing I felt as I waited to marry my husband. More than anything, I long for God to make Himself known to me and the people around me.

I long for You in expectation and hope…whenever you’re ready, Abba…

Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him. Psalm 37

20
Aug
12

Marriage: Being All In

A few months ago, we had a friend visit us. It was a timely visit for me because our friend was a huge encouragement.  One of the things that he told Jeff was that at some point in marriage, when the attraction and the passion and the romance may not necessarily be what they used to be, you just have to decide to be “all in.” You have to say at some point, “okay, I’m with this person.” It doesn’t matter how fat or sick or bald or whatever this person gets, you’re there. Period.

I have not always been emotionally present in my marriage or in my family. I’ve been physically present, but not emotionally there. For a very long time, I told myself the lie that there was something better out there for me; that there was another person who would fit me better;  that there was that ever elusive “soul mate” who could meet all my needs, and that I had somehow missed this dream of a man. For a very long time, I honestly believed that I had chosen the wrong person.  I was deceived, and I deceived myself.

It’s hard to be all in when you think the grass is greener elsewhere. And so I struggled with emotional affairs for many years. It was a form of escape for me. Emotionally, I didn’t have to be where I was if I always had a fantasy of a different life in my head. But a few years ago, Abba gave me much needed victory in this area. And I am grateful beyond belief.

But victory in this area didn’t resolve all my issues or the issues in my marriage. Because marriage is still supposed to be about two people covenanting together to sacrifice for the greater good of the other. And that’s just hard. Because I want my own way; I want my needs met. And Abba has had to strip away many things for me to see my own selfishness and greed.

Jeff and I just had our 20 year anniversary. And, I think, this year, by far, has been the hardest year yet.  Financially, we have really struggled. Jeff has had off and on work for three years, and I was just sick of this being our life. I wanted to be provided for; I wanted my children to be provided for. I didn’t want to have to worry about whether we were going to be able to pay the bills or lose our house or eat rice and beans forever.

But I think my real issue was with God. I was mad at God for giving me this man who couldn’t provide for me in the way I felt I needed to be provided for. And then questions and doubts about whether I was even worth providing for kept screaming in my head. Those were lies too. But it’s really hard to see the lies when you’re wallowing around in self-pity.

Honestly, in the last year, there were many times that I questioned whether or not this marriage thing was even worth it. I tried to convince myself that this wasn’t the best thing for my children either. More lies, because I had had enough of my needs not being met. This was more than I could handle and instead of supporting and loving my husband, who is in a tough situation, I threatened him and made demands and put pressure on him that only made things worse.

For me over the last three years,  Jeff’s main value became whether or not he was able to provide for our family. And so, what happens when the person you’re relying on doesn’t provide what you think they should provide? When the relatively “normal” no longer exists, what does the relationship look like then?  These difficult circumstances that were beyond my control really cut to the heart of what my relationship was all about.

I thought marriage was about having a companion who could meet my needs and who could  help me figure out who I am. I thought marriage was supposed to be this sentimental, exciting  romantic in love feeling forever. I wanted Jeff’s theme song to be “Everything I Do I Do It For You.”

Recently, I read Tim Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage. In it, he wrote “self-centeredness is a havoc-wreaking problem in many marriages, and it is the ever-present enemy of every marriage. Self-centeredness is easily seen in the signs Paul lists: impatience, irritability, a lack of graciousness and kindness in speech, envious brooding on the better situations of others, and holding past injuries and hurts against others.” (56-57)

After reading Keller’s book, my paradigm of marriage shifted dramatically. I finally came to the realization that I don’t really know how to love and that I haven’t really understood marriage. It struck me that I bought into our culture’s view about marriage. I bought the movie version of what love and marriage look like, instead of the biblical view that Tim Keller describes by saying that “marriage was designed to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ.” (15)

What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse’s holiness. You’re committed to his or her beauty. You’re committed to his greatness and perfection.  You’re committed to her honesty and passion for the things of God. That’s your job as a spouse. Any lesser goal than that, any smaller purpose, and you’re just playing at being married. (123)

I was just playing at being married. Because, honestly, it just feels good to have someone around, someone there, until it doesn’t.  And then I had to ask myself, Do I really love this person? And not for what he can provide, whether it be financial security, romantic passion, a great father-figure for my children, a person to keep me from being lonely, but do I really love Jeff, in a Jesus kind of way? And I’m not talking about the “in love” feeling that quickly fades away when a few tough years come crashing into a marriage. But having Holy Spirit power to love and keep committing  to him when I want to scream and run away…run for higher ground, run for something better,  just run.

Because what happens when you realize you’ve made a vow but don’t want to do it anymore?

“This means we must say to ourselves something like this: Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn’t think, ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’ No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us–denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him–and in the greatest act of love in history, he stayed. (109)

Because He stayed, I now have His power to love when I don’t feel it.  It’s because of Him and His love for me that this vow that I made 20 years ago before God and family and friends makes sense. It’s not about me. In a marriage, it’s about pointing each other to Christ…spurring each other on to love and good works…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness , in health…till death parts us.

We’ve hit the “for worse” part and the “for poorer” part pretty hard at times. When Jeff said his “for poorer” part twenty years ago, he kind of laughed and winked at me as he said it…I think he knew something I didn’t. When you’re in your wedding dress on your wedding day and you’re happy and you’re young, and you say the words, but you don’t honestly think that that’s ever going to be you. And when it is you; when the poorer or the sicker or worse part becomes part of your life, what in the world do you do?

In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love seem to dry up.  And when that happens you must remember that the essence of a marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. (104)

I have to realize that my feelings will be all over the place at times. There will be hard days. And then, there will be even harder days. But I’m with Jeff. He is the man for me. I’m all in. I’m all here. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m beginning to get really excited about our future and the amazing person Jeff is becoming. And even though our financial circumstances haven’t changed, it doesn’t matter. I’m just humbled and grateful that Jeff”s all in too, even on my “for worse” days.

So, 20 years. Some good, some way, way less than good, but still good because all of them have brought us to this point in our journey. They’ve brought us to this road that I wouldn’t have been on any other way. It’s a long road sometimes, but it’s a road worth traveling; it’s a story worth seeing through. It’s my story. It’s Jeff’s story. It’s our story. But it’s also bigger than us too. And I’m grateful that  it’s a story that is being redeemed.

And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. (1 Cor. 7:17, MSG)




time flies

November 2018
S M T W T F S
« Mar    
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930  
Follow enjoying the ride… on WordPress.com

enter your email

Join 1,208 other followers

when I wrote my stuff

Stuff others seem interested in

Advertisements