Love and Forgiveness…Again?

I found out that someone mistook what I said and let other people know about her misunderstanding of me. I was enraged. I hate being misunderstood…being judged. I found myself wanting to scratch her eyeballs out. Why did I let this affect me so badly? In part, because once a month for about a week, some crazy lunatic woman comes to live at my house, sleep in my bed, wear my clothes, and take my children to school. But, I have to admit, even though I would like to totally blame it on “crazy lunatic woman” who has only really shown up in the last few years, it’s more than just this…it’s my pride and my attitude of “How dare this woman offend me and judge me…” So, at three in the morning I was beginning to wonder where Abba was in all this hormone dysfunction and anger and pride and injustice. And how do I get His peace and refrain from letting the air out of this woman’s car tires?

I was teaching my 5th graders Bible the very next morning, and I was reciting this verse with my students… “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood…” The light bulb suddenly came on for me…my fight is not against other people, even those that misjudge me and talk about me in negative ways.

In Bible, we’ve also been talking about the Passion of Jesus. I had just taught my students that Jesus was in the midst of His false accusers, and He didn’t speak a word, not one word in defense of Himself. And that’s when I realized how agonizingly difficult this must have been…to just keep His mouth shut when these people were lying about Him. I suddenly realized how quick I am to defend myself over something stupid. Here, Jesus was on trial for His life, and people were saying things that were clearly untrue, and He didn’t stand up for Himself…didn’t defend His honor…He just stood there and took it…the God of the universe took it.

And if that wasn’t enough, as He was hanging on the cross, He says, “Father, forgive them (the ones who were in the process of crucifying Him) for they know not what they do.” He clearly knew His struggle wasn’t with the people around Him and didn’t hold it to their account. But this is not me…I hear one small word against me, and I am quick to defend myself and even quicker to lash out in anger and frustration.

So, I have to come back to the fact that my struggle is not with the people around me…at least it shouldn’t be, but that seems to be one of Satan’s biggest lies for me…to get me fighting with some of the people around me…to get me to really believe that my struggle is with other people…especially other believers. I look like the biggest idiot to a world of non-believers, when I’m supposed to have The Answer (Jesus) and cannot even get along with other believers. Why would the world possibly want what I have when I’m so busy taking offense over stupid things because my pride gets wounded?

Jesus says, “Love one another.” And it’s clearly not supposed to be conditional, based on the other person’s actions…what she did, what she said. But, then again, forgiveness is stinking hard, because I want to be right…I want justice. But I also want mercy…I also want love and grace and peace, and I cannot truly feel (I have them…I just won’t feel) these things if I hang on to my pride and my anger. I still have to release and forgive and love regardless of whether “lunatic woman” is in the midst of her visit or not. And it doesn’t really matter whether the one who has offended me gets it or doesn’t ever get it…whether the light bulb comes on for her or not. Jesus loves everyone…even her…just as much as He loves me.

Sometimes, forgiveness comes in an instant, and sometimes it takes quite a bit longer and sometimes even the words have to be repeated and wrestled with again and again, “I forgive her…I forgive her…I forgive her…Abba, please, please help me forgive her.” I noticed this particular time that it was one of those in between things…I didn’t have to ask 100 times, but it also didn’t come in an instant either. But, when forgiveness did eventually come, compassion came shortly thereafter…and I was grateful because both were a gift.