overflowing

I cannot believe where God has brought me. I cannot believe He’s using me. I don’t bring gifts and talents to the table. I don’t sing, lead, counsel, yet in my weakness He’s strong. I’m humbled and beyond grateful that God IS. And I just can’t even fathom this at times. In my wildest dreams, I had no idea that this, this community life centered solely on Jesus is what it’s all about. I mean, people say these words, but I’ve never really seen it walked out.

All around me, every day I see His kingdom breaking open and shaking loose. It’s beyond exciting. Last night at midnight after spending the entire day with people who desire Him and are seeking Him, I had this crazy desire to gallop around my yard shouting praise to His name. I’m serious.  But I imagined myself twisting an ankle in the dark, so I settled for the three hours of sleep I got and awoke to think and pray and laugh and sigh and cry and hardly contain myself over the things, kingdom things, that are happening in front of my very eyes.

As a former teacher of fourth and fifth grade students, many times I watched the light bulb click on in some of my students’ eyes as they grasped what a verb was or learned how to do long division. But this, this is way better than long division or English. This is a shot of pure joy to watch people in my community latch on to Jesus and not because of anything I did or said. It’s Him; it’s all Him. He is doing this work in us and through us. And I’m able to share in this…His kingdom stuff, and I’m overjoyed. If words could jump off the page in praise and joy, my own would be flying at every person reading this.

Jesus is real. And as we lay our stuff down in front of each other and ask for prayer and seek a Father who loves and understands us, I see some beginning to hold hands open to the things He has, and words cannot describe this. I’m beginning to see why His disciples laid down their lives for Him. Unspeakable, indescribable joy to be His.

I’ve never really been driven to do stuff, like have a career. I enjoyed teaching, but it wasn’t like it was my purpose in life. Teaching was available, so I just kind of fell into it. I enjoyed my students. But if you asked me what my dreams were, I couldn’t really answer that. I knew I wanted to have a family which is a calling in itself and one of the most important things,  but I didn’t have other dreams, as such.

And it’s God’s kindness that after 41 years, I realize I am walking in exactly what God has called me to with my family and also with other people. And I cannot even express the utter peace and joy and overwhelming desire I have to walk with others toward Jesus. This is it. This is my calling, to walk this out with Jeff, with my children, with women, with families.

Jesus said, come and die. I get it…following Him is worth my one wild and crazy life.

Do you feel the darkness tremble
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokenness

And here we see that, God, You’re moving
A time of jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide, you heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord

-Matt Redman

act two: on the other side of this wild ride

Last year, my story was the age-old story of walking around and around the wilderness, like the children of Israel, bemoaning the fact that I couldn’t leave but trying my best to get out, sort of.  I couldn’t stop wallowing around in my own brokenness and believing the lie that Jesus wasn’t enough.  I couldn’t release the idols that I had begun to think were part of me. And I was thirsty but refused to come to the well. And then, I couldn’t even find it anymore and complained that it had been moved. I felt numb and unable to pray or really even care.

But, enough with the clichés about where I was…

This is act two of my continuing story, and this is the story of freedom and grace. This is a story of the love of God and His marvelous work. This is a story of being set free.

I can’t tell exactly when this happened.  I can’t give a prescribed treatment of how this all started or how to get here. It’s not like I did something. I certainly didn’t earn my way here.  It’s God who led me back to the well. And I can’t get enough. I think God just started breaking me apart little by little. And because of His great love, I slowly began to lean in again.

I’ve been in this spot before. I’ve tasted His goodness. I’ve had my hands open to what He has. But this time, I realized I had people to lean in with. And I think that’s what made the difference. I have this little bitty community covenanting with me to love and good works. Other believers are so very, very important to what we our called to do. We need each other so desperately in the Body of Christ, and yet we don’t act like we do. We’re called to encourage each other daily so that we won’t succumb to the enemy’s lies and sin’s hardness. And as long as I’m grounded in the things of God, others can lean in too, because He cannot be shaken.

For we have received the good news just as they did; but the message they heard did not benefit them, since they were not united with those who heard it in faith. (Hebrews 4:2)

So, the  isolation that I assigned and resigned myself to for the last year was not a God-thing. It was my own selfishness, refusing to reach to God and to others for help. I was the one who was needy and struggling, and I was disobedient  and threw a whopping big pity party. I believed the lies. But, I believe, everything can be redeemed.

A month ago, I got on my face, and I repented of my sin of isolation and lack of trust. I trust God, and I’m in process of letting go of everything but Him. It’s uncomfortable at times, but He is making all things new and absolutely beautiful. I’m so thankful for this God, my Abba,  who loves me this much to draw me back  to Himself and to His people.

Go in peace to love and to serve…And take to the world this love, this hope and faith; Take to the world this rare, relentless grace; Go, and go far; Take light deep in the dark; Believe what’s true; He uses all, even you. May the bread on your tongue Leave a trail of crumbs To lead the hungry back to the place that you are from.  -Derek Webb

But we can’t give away what we don’t even possess. So, I’m here. Ready to receive once again from His hands what He has…no matter what. It’s His burden, His yoke, and I’m having the time of my life walking in that, but this time I’m not walking this thing out alone…welcome to act 2.

Living on a Prayer

Jehovah Jireh…the Lord Will Provide.

This has been our story for over a year now. Actually, it’s been our story our whole lives, but we haven’t recognized it, not really, until this past year.

I honestly didn’t think that this kind of living was possible, where you pray and God provides either the money or the means. I mean, I always knew He provided little things along the way, but not like this.

I wouldn’t call it living by faith so much, because truly at times I had none. I feel like I spent much of the year walking around in angry confusion. I fought hard against being truly dependent on Him.

A year ago, If  I had been told that we would still be living like this, I would have laughed and cried and maybe thrown a fit or something. Believe me, I’ve thrown many along the way…fits, that is. Many have been aimed at Jeff, but the One I’m really fighting with is God.

That’s what it comes down to. I don’t really want to admit that, but there it is. If I really believe that He is in control of everything, He could have fixed this for me, and He’s done the opposite. He’s gone after the very idols I clung to and has ripped them away. Greed. Security. Safety.

I recently read a book about George Muller, and I was astounded at the way Muller lived His life, praying about everything and allowing God to lead him.

Muller ran an orphanage for the children in England in the 1800’s and trusted that God would provide for his needs and also the children’s needs (some 10,000 children over the course of his life). One lady in England said that praying and trusting God to supply all their needs wasn’t the way that they did things in England.

Muller never had an income, and he never asked anyone for money. Sometimes, they were barely scraping a meal together, and sometimes they didn’t have anything at all, but Muller prayed, and God always showed up.

I read his story, and his story spurs me on to replace all my worries and all my fears with prayer.

This year, our own bank account would be at nothing, and we wouldn’t have any way of paying the next bill or buying food, and someone would show up at our door with money or food that Abba had told them to give us. We would pray for specific amounts of money, and that amount of money would be supplied. This didn’t just happen once or twice but many times over the last year.

We fought this way of life (depending solely on God)  for a long time, but around October, we decided that we would stop with the strategies of trying to figure out how to earn our own way and just listen to the Holy Spirit and that we would walk through whatever doors He opened…kind of like surrender…kind of like allowing Him to lead….

“The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him.  Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you.”

Resistance has come when I don’t want to follow Him, because I don’t know where He’ll take me…and that’s been the scary part. Still is.

But the more I read in the New Testament about following Jesus, it seems to be about being dependent on Him and allowing Him to work through me…through all of us.

I guess He knows that I become too dependent on things and paychecks that come in regularly, rather than Him. This is a lesson that has been hard for me to learn and one that I’m still learning daily.

Along the course of this year,  He’s brought odd jobs and ministry stuff for Jeff and then has taken some things away and has brought other things along to take their places.  Sometimes these things pay; sometimes they don’t. It doesn’t really matter though. He has always provided what we needed at the time.

One morning as I was lying in bed, I was stressing out about the opportunities my children might be missing out on because of the way we’re living. And then I was reminded, that Abba is also supplying for them what they need as well.

The coolest thing is that our kids are seeing our prayers answered. Real, tangible prayers that acknowledge our complete dependence on Him and Him alone.

Even with everything that Abba has supplied,  I find that I often come back to the children of Israel in the wilderness because I feel like I am so similar to them…whooping it up when God provides and then quickly turning  around and whining, “I need, I need.” 

They all ate and drank identical food and drink, meals provided daily by God. They drank from the Rock, God’s fountain for them that stayed with them wherever they were. And the Rock was Christ. But just experiencing God’s wonder and grace didn’t seem to mean much—most of them were defeated by temptation during the hard times in the desert, and God was not pleased. The same thing could happen to us. We must be on guard so that we never get caught up in wanting our own way as they did. (I Cor. 10)

Depending solely on Abba hasn’t been easy. Far from it. It has been wilderness living for sure, and I have been defeated time and time again, but I don’t want that to be the story of my life. I want my life to point to Him and His goodness…His faithfulness.

***

Jeff said to me just the other day, “What if we never run out? What if we always have enough?“

That being said, we’ve seen how God truly provides what we need, maybe not what we think we need, but what we actually need.

A while back, my fourteen year old said, “I really like living this way.”

My response, “Whoa. I wish I could say that all the time.”

Living on a prayer…

This goes against what our culture tells us we have to do in order to live the good life. But I think, in all honesty, I am living the good life, and it’s not what I thought it was…

The One-Talent Girl

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey.  (Matthew 25)

I was recently reading this passage, and it struck me that I’m the girl with the one talent. My husband is the five-talent guy. He’s been really blessed with God-given abilities. He’s a gifted speaker and musician. He’s a great small group leader, knowing just how to cut off the talker without them getting upset. He’s quick on his feet. And to top it all off, he’s smart. And he’s athletic. And the list goes on.

Seriously, I have none of these gifts…these talents. I get up in front of people and “deer in headlights” phrase comes to mind.  I won’t even talk about my musical ability because there is none. I’m not quick on my feet either…I beat myself up over what I should have said.  And I’m certainly not athletic (a stick rolled underneath my foot the other day at the soccer field, and I fell to the ground).  And I don’t have the smarts or the common sense either that I feel might be very beneficial to me at times. I’m not cutting myself down here, nor feeling sorry for myself; I’m just stating the facts. 

I’m not jealous of Jeff.  Because I know that to whom much is given much is required. So I can breathe a sigh of relief…but not really.

Just the other day,  it occurred to me that I’ve been kind of hiding behind my lack of talents and gifts…kind of hiding behind the five-talent dude that I’m blessed to share a life with, realizing that Abba is calling him to do something and supporting him in that, but thinking that it’s his thing because I don’t happen to be the one with the abundance of gifts.

In Matthew 25, Jesus goes on to say that the lord came back, and he wanted to find out what each of his servants had done with their talents. And whether or not you view the gifts as talents or money, it doesn’t really matter. The point is that the man who was given the one talent did nothing with his talent. In fact, he tells his master that he hid the talent because he was afraid.

What was the one-talent guy’s problem? Fear. And it’s the same with me. I’m called to love those around me. But sometimes, I’m just worried that I’ll reach out in love and be rejected, that I’ll get my hand slapped as I reach out to touch others. I find that I often hide behind my messy house or my lack of organization or my shy awkwardness that seems to come out of nowhere sometimes. But it all stems from fear.

I ask for courage. But still I struggle.

The old song “Trust and Obey” says, “Never fear, only trust and obey.” And I’m not talking about obeying a bunch of rules here. I’m talking about trusting and obeying the Father. And there’s a big difference.

These days, I’m just tuning my ears into my Abba and trying to listen and obey. Sometimes I obey. Sometimes fear gets the best of me, and I refuse to submit. Obedience isn’t easy. It means losing my life…It means taking up my cross daily. But the benefits? Jesus states that when you lose your life, that’s when you get it back…abundantly…because it’s His life.

Distracted With Stuff

I deserve nothing, and yet I have everything.

And I’m not even sitting here comparing myself to people who live in third world countries. I’m just saying that I have everything I need and then some. Alot, actually…I have alot. And I’m still not comparing. I’m just stating the obvious.

I recently read a fiction book called Demon: A Memoir where a demon is recounting his story to a human being. It really got me to thinking about how distracted and “stuffed” my life is.

In the book, the demon says to the man, “You can’t see clearly. It’s why you wonder why bad things happen to so-called good people, why there is violence, disease, the senseless things on the news. You’re short-sighted, focused only on your immediate surrounding, your immediate time frame… your life transpires in a blink.  You’re driven by the things you see, that you can touch and smell. By what you feel. Things as temporal as you are.” (183)

“We (Lucifer and demons) have other methods of distraction as well, palatable, innocuous distraction condoned by your social mores. Gratification. Success. The striving for everything your culture says is important and worthwhile.  Everyone thinks they deserve happiness, after all. It’s practically written into your Constitution. What a great country. (267-268)

In essence, what he means is what an easy target we all are. Satan is out to distract us from the Way, the Truth, and the Life and destroy us in the process.

I’m grateful for my life.  But what if, like Job, all the extra stuff was stripped away and I had nothing, none of the blessings that I think I deserve? What if it were all gone in a day and none of it was left? My stuff, my family, my health?  Would I curse God and die? In reality, I really deserve none of these things. But would I still curse God and die?  I was formed out of dust and to dust I’ll return. And, yet, I forget this.

In our striving to make ourselves happy and comfortable, we’ve sort of  become like Nebuchadnezzar in all his apathy toward the people around him. Nebuchadnezzar had just declared God’s miracles and sovreignty, and then he says,  “I, Nebuchadnezzar, was at home taking it easy in my palace, without a care in the world.”  He has a dream, and Daniel comes in and tells him that God is going to make him crazy unless he changes his ways and starts showing mercy to the poor. A year goes by, and Nebudchadnezzar still  had not changed his ways. And God did what He said He was going to do. He makes him crazy like a loon and the great, mighty king starts acting like a cow, eating grass in the field.

I doubt very much that we’re all going to start eating grass in the fields, but this one hits a little close to my own materialism and apathy.

“The seed cast in the weeds is the person who hears the kingdom news, but weeds of worry and illusions about getting more and wanting everything under the sun strangle what was heard, and nothing comes of it. (Matthew 13:22)

It seems so easy. All Satan has to do is get us distracted by stuff  (power, fame money),  because Jesus says we cannot serve two masters at once. So Satan doesn’t even have to steal the seed away, our distractions make us unfruitful and unconcerned about Jesus and the people around us.

In the last year, our neighborhood and surrounding area have been burglarized a lot.  No one has been hurt in all of these robberies,  but I’ve talked to several neighbors since, and I’ve come to realize that some of our neighbors really want to physically hurt these thieves, like shoot and kill them. I get it that we want to protect our families. But some want to take away other people’s lives for stealing their stuff. There’s a reason that Jesus says not to lay up our treasures here on earth, where moth and rust corrupt and thieves break in and steal. Jesus knew our hearts would soon follow our treasure.

What is Abba calling me to do? What is Abba calling you to do? It’s probably going to have similarities but also look completely different at the same time.

I know we’re all called to follow and to love. The actual obedience part in the following and loving will probably look different for each one of us, because I’m dealing with different weaknesses, and I have different gifts. It makes sense that He’ll call us to do different things.  But we’re still part of the same body.  If I’m called to sell all that I have and give to the poor, that may not be what you’re called to do. Someone’s calling is not lesser than someone else’s. So let’s not compare.

I have no agenda here. I’ve just been taking a good, hard look at the life that Jesus led and the life that I now lead, and I’m questioning whether or not this is what it’s supposed to look like or if I’ve gotten distracted along the way with the things I have and the things I think I deserve.

Julia (who’s seven) said to me this morning, “We don’t need a whole lot. We need a little bit of food, and we need Jesus.”

No wonder Jesus loves the little children so much and said,  “For of such is the kingdom of heaven…”

 

Expectations or Expectancy?

“If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’–spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend….expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgment, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value.” (205-206)

Expectations destroy…they can destroy friendships, marriage, families…sometimes all in one fell swoop. I want to enjoy my relationships.  I don’t want my relationships to be riddled with expectations, and I have to be honest, they have been at times. It’s been my loss in the past that I cannot just love and enjoy the people around me, rather than demand that my needs be met by them.

I’ve had friends who have tried to fix me…seriously, good luck with that. It seems that when people try to fix each other, there is an expectation for that person to act a certain way, because that person is just not measuring up to their expectations, and this seems to happen for a variety of reasons…power, control…maybe even wanting that person to perform in the same way that they themselves might feel like they have to perform for others.

Sadly, people who don’t have freedom don’t want others to have it either. Look at the Pharisees…they were angry that Jesus and His disciples had freedom and actually helped people on the Sabbath. The Pharisees desperately tried to make everyone, even the Son of God, live up to their rules…their laws…their expectations of who they thought God was and wanted Him to be.

It’s hard being in relationships where I know I’m not measuring up…where I know I should be doing something, maybe I don’t even know what that something is, but there’s this expectation there, this pressure to perform…to be something I’m not, to act a certain way, to fulfil a demand that someone has put upon me, whether stated or unstated.  

 “Perform in a way that meets my expectations…” and then when I get those expectations met, I’ll give you ten more…that’s just how expectations work; the bar just gets raised higher and higher. I’ve done that before in my friendships but a whole lot more in my marriage, as Jeff can certainly attest to.

There were certain expectations that I had of Jeff in the past… to make me secure, to make me happy, to meet all my needs…and that’s not fair…not fair to him…not fair to me, if he chooses to comply with my needy demands…Talk about frustration on all levels. Jeff could not possibly do the things I was requiring of him, not for any length of time anyway. He simply wasn’t meant to meet all my needs.

Now, I really try to look to Jesus (my All in All) to meet my needs, not all the time for sure, but more than I ever have. I think one of the most freeing things about my relationship with Him is that He doesn’t have expectations on me; I mean, what could I possibly do for Him anyway? How could I possibly benefit the God of the universe?

For so long, I thought of God as a demanding tyrant who could never be pleased with anything that I did, much less be pleased with me. I don’t see Him that way anymore. When He looks at me, He sees Christ.

I think I’ve grown hopeful of seeing my Abba soon…I am expectantly excited…I cannot wait until I can see Him and just be with Him, and I think He feels the same way about me. Sara Groves has a song that she wrote called “Going Home.”  What if all our relationships looked like this?

Going home, I’ll meet you at the table. Going home, I’ll meet you in the air… Oh, I cannot wait to be home.

I’m confined by my senses to really know what you are like. You are more than I can fathom, more than I can guess, and more than I can see with human sight. But I have felt you with my spirit. I have felt you fill this room. This is just an invitation, a sample of the whole, and I cannot wait to be going home. Face to face how can it be?

I have a neighbor, who is also a good friend. We walk together almost every morning, and I really look forward to hanging out with her. We talk; we’ve prayed before; sometimes we just laugh. We don’t really put expectations on each other. But there is an expectancy there. I cannot wait to see her, to find out how her previous day has gone, what struggles she’s had to deal with, just friend kind of stuff. But I don’t try to fix her. What freedom for both of us to be who we are without condemnation and judgment, even when we spread our junk out for each other to see!

I have other friends like this, for which I’m very grateful. I don’t take those friendships for granted. I just look forward to seeing them again and hanging out with them. Just this past weekend, I had friends that came for a visit; and before they left, I was already looking forward to the next time they would come. No expectations…just expectancy.

But even when we’re not trying to, sometimes expectations do come to the surface, so how do we get rid of them?  How do we get back to that expectancy, that excitement of just being with the ones we love, instead of looking for something more from them?  

For me, it’s allowing Jesus  to change me and the people around me and not trying to fix them. Let’s work at just being together. Sound like fun?

No expectations.

No agenda.

No performance.

No shoes required.

Manna in the Wilderness

In my post “Something to Talk About, ” I told the story about the crazy way in which Jeff lost his temporary job and how he didn’t get paid for the last two weeks he worked. Many people would be in a really tough spot if they didn’t get their last paycheck, and we weren’t any different. 

But I found that Abba really got my attention through Jeff losing his job, because I thought I had everything mapped out. I had really wanted for Jeff to get on full-time, so that we would have a little security. I should really know better by now.

But I began to trust, because, really, what other options do I have? I know Abba’s going to take care of us. He’s always done so before. It may not be in the way that I think that it will be, or maybe not even in the way I would like for it to be, but He knows the way that’s best for me.  Always.

So, I have thrown up my hands and am like, “Ok, Abba, this is you; it’s all you! ‘Cause I got nothing.”

I’m just wondering how long He’s been waiting to hear those words come out of my mouth.

Before word had even gotten around that Jeff had lost his job, a friend of mine messaged me on facebook about wanting to bring us some food. Other friends and family gave us a few hundred dollars. And I knew He was providing.  But, in the back of my mind, I knew His provision, so far, wasn’t going to be enough to cover future bills, like the mortgage. But He said to not worry about tomorrow.

But, practically speaking, I was beginning to think about what items we could sell in our house that would bring in some cash flow. Jeff and I came to the conclusion that most of our stuff isn’t worth much (we bought most of our stuff pretty cheap, and we’ve been given a lot of hand-me-downs, so it wasn’t “nice” to start with), and after having 5 kids bouncing around on furniture and spilling stuff all over the place, well, we don’t have anything that would bring in more than $50, and I might be delusional in even thinking that.

But I began cleaning out closets because I’m going to have a yard sale.  I didn’t make a whole lot from my last yard sale…maybe enough to pay our phone bill, but it was something.   But amazingly, I really wasn’t worried about it. There comes a point when you have to laugh (guffaw and snort a little, actually) because the situation seems so desperate.

In the meantime, we’ve realized that He is opening the door for Jeff to start his own business where he wants to go in and help non-profits, which we would never have been open to him doing if he had been given a full-time job with the company he was working for.  But starting a business takes some time to start bringing in income.

I kept thinking that if Abba wanted us to pursue this business, then He was going to have to make it happen. He was going to have to provide enough money for us to be able to live.

I prayed for a very specific amount of money ($2,000), thinking that for me to ask for so much was absurd, and that maybe,if He answered my prayer, that it would come in a little bit at a time.  A few days later, we got a check for $2,000 from family members. This family member said, “You know, we always talk about how God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and we just wanted you to have at least one cow!”

This has now happened twice. The exact amount I was praying for coming in within a few days. But it has nothing to do with me…it’s all Him, and I’m just so grateful that it doesn’t depend on me.  Just like He provided manna for the children of Israel in the wilderness, He’s doing the same for us and throwing in a few quail every now and then.

I’ll hear Jeremiah, who is almost 6, walk around singing or whistling this song that one of Jeff’s aunts have all the kids sing at family reunions right before we eat. “Here we stand like birds in the wilderness waiting to be fed.” That’s what I feel like…like I’m standing there like a baby bird with my mouth wide open waiting for Abba to fill it. And what a great place to be!

I heard yesterday that one of Jeff’s cousins got a job after being out of work for a few months, and they were down to the wire as well. I’m praying specifically for others who don’t have jobs and are almost beside themselves not knowing what they are going to do. I pray that Abba will make it very clear and will bring provision but most importantly that they know who who holds their hand in the middle of their path.

I don’t know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I’m covered with His blood.
Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I’m very grateful for the gifts that He gives, but I don’t want to become so enamored with the gifts and the blessings that I lose sight of the Giver of those gifts. Jesus says in John 6 that He is the Bread of Life. Not only does He provide our daily bread, but He is our Bread…He Himself is the One who sustains us by His own life. 

I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.  Psalm 81:10

Not There Yet

I’ve felt  like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately…even more than usual, knowing that I’m called to do something and yet being unable and unwilling to do what God’s called me to do. So in the midst of my confusion and angst and hard-heartedness, I’ve also been running…trying to escape…kind of like Jonah in the Bible.

Except I’m not called to go save the Ninevites, but yet in a way I am…because Jonah was called to love, and just like me, he failed miserably. And so in a sense that’s exactly what I’m struggling with…the call to love someone impossible to love…someone in my life who has hurt a lot of people and has left a mess everywhere she’s gone. You know this type of person.

Sara Groves has a song called “Tornado” talking about this impossible person to love.

You live your life like a tornado/Destruction follows everywhere you go/And you have no plans to stop or slow

And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love/When everything you touch is rubble and dust/And it gets so hard to know how to trust

This is Jonah’s story too. I’ve heard so many pastors preach sermons on Jonah, and Jonah isn’t usually portrayed as a person most people would want  to emulate. But I get Jonah…I understand him. God was calling him to do something that he could NOT and would not do.  In fact, he hopped on a boat and tried to go as far away as he could possibly get. Me too. I don’t want to be anywhere near this person right now.

Jonah didn’t want God to rescue the Ninevites, and I can understand that. The Ninevites were evil people…killing Jonah’s own people.  As far as Jonah was concerned, these people were monsters. And yet, God had called Jonah to be the messenger to try to get these people to repent, so that God wouldn’t wipe them off the face of the earth. Jonah struggled with God for 3 days in the nasty belly of a fish before he decided God is God and is the one in charge of salvation.

Jonah preaches, and the Ninevites repent, and God shows mercy and doesn’t rain down fire on their city. This act of salvation makes Jonah angry with God, even though, days before,  he had just confessed that God was sovereign.  He sulks and climbs the hill overlooking the city, just in case God would change his mind and wipe these people out anyway, and God in his mercy grows a plant for Jonah to shade him from the sun.

But then, God takes the plant away, and Jonah’s anger and despair come out again at this point, and Jonah asks God to kill him twice. His plant (God’s blessing) is more important than the people of Ninevah. I find myself there too. Some days excited that God is a God of forgiveness and salvation because this includes me…but other days, not so excited that He would choose to be merciful to this one person who has done so much damage to people I love.

Jonah says, I knew this was going to happen! That’s why I ran off to Tarshish! I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!

And Jonah was right. God saved them. And I fear that God is going to merciful to my own enemy.  So, instead of praying for this person’s repentance, I want her to suffer in the way she’s made those around her suffer. I want her to reap some of what she’s sown. I want her to pay for what she’s done. Let’s face it, I just want her to be miserable.

We see that in Psalms…the imprecatory psalms…where the psalmist is asking God to smash his enemies to smithereens, not asking God to love them and save them.  In Psalms 55, the psalmist asks that his betrayers be hauled off to hell, and his betrayer happens to be a person he thought was his friend. And then in Psalm 58, he asks God to smash the teeth of his enemies.

But we tend to skip over those Psalms. We’re not comfortable going there…talking about the psalmist who is not loving and forgiving…because we’re not supposed to have those kind of emotions. We’re supposed to bottle them up and pretend that everything is fine.  

I certainly don’t remember any sermons being preached on the imprecatory Psalms, because Jesus says to love your enemies and pray for them which despitefully use you, right? And isn’t that what we tell our kids? And not only that, but What Would Jesus Do (WWJD)?  We have Jesus’ example on the cross, where He’s putting up with all kind of evil done to Him, and He still loves and forgives those who are doing it.

But I think God gives us those Psalms because those Psalms too are part of what we feel at times,  and I think Abba uses them to tell us that it’s all right to have emotions…even ugly ones at times….and that’s really where I am. There is anger and unforgivenness in my heart.

Recently, we were driving with the kids and just talking about stuff. I don’t even remember what we were talking about really, but Julia spoke up and said, “Sometimes I just get so angry on the inside.” My response: “Me too, baby.” And I could have gone on to say how we shouldn’t be angry, or the more spiritual answer of needing to give it over to God, but I didn’t.  Because I’m not there yet either. I’m still really mad.

And yet I realize when I’m like this…that I don’t really understand God’s grace…I don’t really get it.  I want His love and grace to wash over me but not over this person who has done so much damage to the people around her. But Jesus loves her just as much as He loves me. He died for her too. But the injustice of the situation just doesn’t seem fair. But then, who am I to determine what’s fair? All of a sudden, I’ve placed myself as one who deserves God’s grace, and I’ve become the “elder brother,” who is wallowing around in self-righteousness as well anger and unforgiveness.  Not pretty. (Tim Keller’s Prodigal God) 

In the chorus of “Tornado,” Sara Groves goes on to say

Every time I find healing you’re making a new mess/And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.

What if she never changes?  Never repents?  Never admits that she’s sorry for what’s she’s done?  And she might not…ever.  What do I do with that?  Forgive? 

I’m just not there yet. I sort of want to be. But then, at times. I just want to hold my anger and unforgiveness close. Sometimes, I think I like being angry.

I don’t know if forgiveness comes a little at a time like a wave that just gently washes over you, or if it’s like a huge wave in the ocean, where it just knocks you off your feet and it’s hard to catch your breath.  Or maybe it’s different each time. I have a feeling, in my case, it’s going to be the one where I can’t catch my breath, and that it’s going to have to happen again and again.

Jonah realized He just didn’t have the capacity  to love those unlovable people. Because the call to love is impossible…especially the call to love people who are destroying your own people. The call to REALLY love…love like Jesus…it truly is impossible. There is no amount of boot-strapping or striving to get to that point. 

But I think in realizing we cannot love like Jesus (no matter how many bracelets we wear that remind us what Jesus would do and that we should be able to do it too)…that that’s when Abba can step in and do it through me…through you.  And honestly, I don’t even know how that works. I just know it does because I’ve seen it before in my own life. It’s part of that grace thing.

And that’s where brokenness seems to come in…that’s where Jonah’s brokenness comes in…in writing his own book, he showed his willingness to reveal his unforgiveness and hatred before the world…he didn’t try to clean it up. He told his own messy story. 

The book of Jonah ends with God saying to Jonah that Jonah was more concerned with God’s blessing (the plant) than with the 120,000 people in the city of Ninevah.  God asks, “Should I not be concerned about that great city?” And that’s it. The book’s done. But it doesn’t really end there.

Why are we not shown Jonah’s response in the book? It is as if God aimed an arrow of loving rebuke at Jonah’s heart, set it a-fly, and suddenly Jonah vanishes, leaving US in its path.  The question is coming right at us, because you are Jonah and I am Jonah.  We are so enslaved to our idols that we don’t care about people who are Different, who live in the big cities, or who are just in our own families but very hard to love.  Are we, like Jonah, willing to change?  If we are, then we must look to the Ultimate Jonah, and to his sign, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (Counterfeit Gods 154-155)

I was sitting outside the other day, and I was watching this bug go around in circles as fast as it could go…around and around and around, and I realize that’s where I’ve been lately…chasing my own tail…I can’t do this love thing. It’s impossible for me. But I know The One who it’s not impossible for. Because it’s really all about Him and His love, and letting go and realizing that Abba is taking care of every situation, even the most seemingly hopeless, infuriating situations.

 I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God–created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty.

So I’ve been reading these imprecatory Psalms, and this is the part that stands out from Psalm 55.

Haul my betrayers off to hell–let them experience the horror, let them feel every desolate detail of a damned life.

I call to God: God will help me.  At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh deep sighs–he hears, he rescues. 

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you: he will never let the righteous fall.  But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days.

But as for me, I trust in you.

“It is hard to make your adversaries real people unless you recognize yourself in them–in which case, if you don’t watch out, they cease to be adversaries.”–Augustine

All Over the Map

I’ve been gone lately. I haven’t wanted to write. Honestly, it’s been too hard to share where I am and where I’ve been. I’ve felt pressure from all sides to do stuff…stuff that supposedly gets me closer to God, and I’ve run the other way. At first, I thought I was running from God, but I think I’m running from the religious Bible thumpers who say I have to do certain things in order to be “good” with God.

Read your Bible, pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, grow.

Neglect your Bible, forget to pray, and you’ll shrink, shrink, shrink.

Really? Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. We all know people who read their Bibles, and that’s about as far as it gets. There’s no real relationship. It’s all a façade…an act…a performance to prove that they’re “good” in God’s eyes…that Jesus loves them because they’ve pleased Him with all their lists of things to do for Him.  They’re usually the ones who are trying to push their “methods” on everyone else around them and making everyone tired in the process. It’s all about control and manipulation. They’re posers…pretenders…hypocrites, and deep down their lives are a mess, and they know it. I’m a mess too, but I want to expose my mess so that others know that they are not alone and to find healing in the process.

I’ve been reading a lot of different things lately. And one of the books I picked up is called Families Where Grace Is In Place. Awesome book, by the way. But one thing VanVonderen points out about the passage in Matthew 18 which talks about causing “the little ones who believe in me to stumble” is that Jesus is not teaching this message to the drug dealers or the child abusers, although I’m sure they would be included, but  He’s teaching this to His own disciples, and He’s telling them to not make the children stumble by having them try to measure up…to try to earn God’s approval.  This passage comes right after the disciples were arguing about who was going to be the greatest in the kingdom. Coincidence? Probably not.   VanVonderen says, “I think Jesus was very concerned that His disciples were concerned about earning points in a kingdom where there are no points to earn.” (124)

Lately, I’ve been confused about who God is. Up until about five years ago, for me God was a God of judgment and condemnation. I didn’t know the loving, merciful, compassionate God who is NOT all-consumed with every sin that I commit. If He was concerned and kept record of every sin I committed, then Jesus died needlessly. All my sin was placed on Jesus at the cross…past, present, future. It’s gone, taken care of.  But that’s not what the legalists want people to believe, because they would no longer have control over other believers if everyone knew they were FREE from their laws…free to be who they are in Christ. Many pastors would be without congregations if believers realized they no longer have to be under the tyrannical hierarchy and rules that so many churches are built upon.

I’m angry and frustrated with the people who are posers, pretending to be bringing a message of God, when in fact, they’re using God to promote their own self-serving agenda. I’m surrounded by those who are afraid of God because they really think they can earn and lose points with Him and also by those who only use God for their own purpose to get noticed or to even become “blessed” and wealthy. In another book I read, the author said, I don’t believe Jesus became poor so that we could become rich.  I’m sick of being around religious people who are purposely trying to look full on the outside and are empty on the inside. Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” According to the ESV notes, “the poor in spirit are those who recognize they are in need of God’s help. The kingdom of heaven belongs to those who confess their spiritual bankruptcy.”

I have so many bad feelings toward the God that I grew up with…feelings of fear and anger and distance because my view of Him was so distorted. So many leaders I knew would take God and use Him like a weapon, to bash around at will to keep me and others in line.  But a few years back, at a very difficult point in my life, I met the part of God who was my Abba, my Father, and I put the other aspects of God out of my mind. Until now. And right now, I’m trying to reconcile the other aspects of God with my Abba. That’s been hard. I know my Abba is with me and loves me, but Almighty God still seems a little distant.

When Jeff was without work for close to a year, I knew God was providing, and it was amazing to see, but it was difficult. Friends and family were paying our bills and buying our food. But it became hard to receive because there was no end in sight.  And so I grew a little tired of waiting until we could become self-sufficient again.  Dan Allender in his book Cry of the Soul says, “They (the Psalms) expose the essence of our emotional turmoil—the commitment to finding life apart from trusting God.” (33)

Sara Groves has a song that reminds me that it’s ok to struggle…that it’s ok to wrestle…even if I’m having a crisis of faith…a lack of trust.  Because, remember, we’re not on a point-earning system with God, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief, especially for those of us who aren’t good at to-do lists, or get easily bored, or simply forget what it’s all about at times. That’s where I’ve been lately…a little lost, a little confused, a little forgetful, a little tired.

There is a love that never fails

There is a healing that always prevails

There is a hope that whispers a vow

A promise to wait while we’re working it out

So come with your love and wash over us.

This Year

It’s been a hard year
But I’m climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it’s

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It’s less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn’t feel the power or the hope
I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you’re here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

And more like
Character

“Less Like Scars” by Sara Groves