When I was in college and dating Jeff, I remember how hard it was to be away from him. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to talk with him, hang out with him, just sit and stare at him. I could not get enough. Ever. Jeff graduated before me, so during my senior year of college, he came back to visit me on campus a lot. The hardest times for me were saying goodbye and having him leave me there. As he drove off one day, I almost ran after his car, but my dignity kept me from publicly making an idiot of myself. Although I resisted the urge to run after his car like a dog, I still sobbed as he drove away.
I could not wait to marry him. I could not wait to be able to be with him all the time; I was ready for us to start our lives together. And at the time, it seemed like it was forever away. It was painful…that expectation, that longing of wanting to be with someone so badly. It felt like it almost caused me physical pain. And, even still, thinking about it, almost twenty-one years and five kids later, it makes my chest tighten to think of that intense longing. Waiting was the hardest thing.
I still think waiting is the hardest thing. I’m not used to it. I’m no longer waiting to get engaged or to get married or waiting on kids to be born. But now, I’m waiting for different things. I find myself waiting for God to show up, to lead me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m holding my breath as I wait, seeing if He really is going to do what He says. And sometimes, I feel anxious as I wait because I say I trust Him, but my actions of making stuff happen on my own reveal that I don’t really trust as much as I say I do. And yet, as I walk through different trials and situations, I’m learning to entrust myself to a faithful Creator.
It takes strength and courage to wait and not just run ahead, and sometimes it looks stupid to wait. But He is teaching me to listen to His voice…to listen to His Word and obey Him. I’ve had to get rid of my busyness and learn how to be still. I’ve also had to get rid of the voices, including my own, that threaten to drown out His still, small voice. I’ve found that it’s much harder to be still and wait on Him than it is to do things that don’t amount to much in His kingdom, His economy. But He reminds me daily to continually fix my eyes on Him; it’s the only way waiting is possible.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord. Psalm 27
Right here, right now, I feel like I’m in the process of learning the bigness of waiting on Him. I’m waiting for His kingdom to break in and His power to be seen. I see glimpses of it here and there, and I want it so badly that it’s almost hard to breathe at times. In this wait, there is intense longing, not unlike the longing I felt as I waited to marry my husband. More than anything, I long for God to make Himself known to me and the people around me.
I long for You in expectation and hope…whenever you’re ready, Abba…
Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him. Psalm 37
enjoying the ride... 