Confessions from the Valley

 

This past week I have been living in what I would call a self-inflicted valley. Those are the worst kinds because those are the ones I throw myself into, and I have only myself to blame. What sent me back to this spot again? I believe I went back there because I’ve chosen to hold onto my anger and my hurts and my disappointment.  I began licking these wounds once again, and I went into a tailspin that sent me down fast. But times like these aren’t wasted, and this was no exception. This time, I’ve spent asking Abba lots of questions. And He’s been answering, sometimes in ways I don’t necessarily want to hear. But I wrestled with Him, and He wrestled back. He reminded me He’s been on this journey with me all along…and that He will never leave me or forsake me.

 

There are three questions that I wrestled with.

 

Do I really believe Abba can heal me? 

Can I let go of my victim status?

Can I forgive?

 

When I come to a place of painful memories, I can either try to numb my pain by self-medicating, which can come in many forms or I can embrace the pain I have and cry out to the one who can heal, Jehovah Rapha. I spent a lot of time sleeping (my form of self-medication this particular time), but I also cried out, only half-believing that Abba can really heal me. I continued to walk and talk with Abba because deep down inside I know He has to be the answer. But many times I don’t really want Him as the answer. I enjoy wallowing in my anger and my hurt because there’s a certain satisfaction in hanging onto my self-righteous victim status.

 

For a long time now, I’ve held onto bits and pieces of my anger and unforgiveness because if I forgive, then that seems to let the people who wronged me off the hook…I won’t be able to be the judge or the victim anymore, and I think I like playing these roles. I found this quote, “Forgiveness does not excuse anything…forgiveness is about letting go of another person’s throat.” (224) In the middle of my valley,  Abba revealed once again that these people are loved by Him as much as I am and have just as many hurts as I do, which invokes in me mercy and compassion for fellow sufferers.     

 

I can’t change what happened in the past, and some things may continue to make me sad, but all I can do is continue to cry out to the One who gives “the healing and grace my heart always hungers for.” Yeah, I still have forgiveness and healing that need to take place, but I’m trusting that Abba can do the healing, that He can do the forgiving through me.  I don’t think releasing these things is a one-time thing but is actually a slow, gradual process. And just like I haven’t walked through my valley alone, I’m not alone in this either.

 

Henri Nouwen said, “One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may

be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.” This weekend was about despair, but right now, I’m standing out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting praise (Rom. 5) because Abba’s in the process of changing a heart…and surprisingly it’s my own.